Questions, comments, and concerns are useless.

I've been having some anxiety driven days. A lot of self doubt and maybe a little mourning for the time I've lost. I have been sick for over three years. I'll never get that time back. I know there are many who have been sick much longer but for me this has been enough. It was enough a year ago. I can't imagine letting this shit drag on for 10+ years and not putting my foot down and surgically doing something about it. Even with the minor issues I have dealing with post OP stuff, it beats the hell out of active UC every single day of my life. The worst part about severe UC wasn't the pain. It wasn't the blood loss. It wasn't the lightheadedness or the meds or hundreds of dollars in copays. It wasn't even my hospitalizations or the urgency to go so intensely that you are running to the bathroom, pants half off almost in tears, begging the universe to hold off until you sit down. Nope. The worst part is the ignorance. The uninformed, the lack of understanding and the assumptions.
For instance, I applied for disability and was denied because the government says I should be able to work in a medical office as a receptionist. Well, I don't know what doctor who would keep a receptionist who is always in the bathroom multiple times a day in pain, for up to 45 minutes at a time. Hard to answer phones and interact with patients from the shitter. When I say I used to be in the bathroom all day, I'm not exaggerating. People hear and make mention of IBD and it's dismissed as a tummy ache and some diarrhea. No one gets how disabling this effing disease is. I've missed years of working, travel, and normal life.
As nice as having no agenda is, I miss the financial independence and freedom I had when I worked. I decided to go back to school for nursing because I wanted to impact people who are in unfortunate circumstances. I want to help people with new ostomies feel OK and move forward in a positive manner. I can be an ostomy nurse better than anyone and I have the scars to prove it. My doubts are filtering in. School will be a few years. This coming semester is dead because of another surgery. Is it realistic to pursue it? Do you ever feel you are supposed to be doing something amazing and impactful but you don't know how to get there? I'm going to be 35 in just over a month. What have I done with my blank slate of life? I don't know anymore. I'm beginning to wonder what the hell I'm supposed to do. What am I contributing. What strengths do I have that I can really put to use? So many things feel just beyond my reach. Life gets in the way. My illness gets in the way. I have big things I want to do but not sure what they are. Vague dreams perhaps. It's hard to fine tune and make things happen through pain and weakness and illness. I guess I'm pissed off about it. There is no comment box in life. No one will get back to me to resolve the problem. Sometimes it isn't fair. I have grown a bit stronger but at the same time more doubtful and hesitant. I keep waiting for some complication or setback. Something to once more, derail my life. Who can I email about all this? I need tech support for my life.

I've been having some anxiety driven days. A lot of self doubt and maybe a little mourning for the time I've lost. I have been sick for over three years. I'll never get that time back. I know there are many who have been sick much longer but for me this has been enough. It was enough a year ago. I can't imagine letting this shit drag on for 10+ years and not putting my foot down and surgically doing something about it. Even with the minor issues I have dealing with post OP stuff, it beats the hell out of active UC every single day of my life. The worst part about severe UC wasn't the pain. It wasn't the blood loss. It wasn't the lightheadedness or the meds or hundreds of dollars in copays. It wasn't even my hospitalizations or the urgency to go so intensely that you are running to the bathroom, pants half off almost in tears, begging the universe to hold off until you sit down. Nope. The worst part is the ignorance. The uninformed, the lack of understanding and the assumptions.
For instance, I applied for disability and was denied because the government says I should be able to work in a medical office as a receptionist. Well, I don't know what doctor who would keep a receptionist who is always in the bathroom multiple times a day in pain, for up to 45 minutes at a time. Hard to answer phones and interact with patients from the shitter. When I say I used to be in the bathroom all day, I'm not exaggerating. People hear and make mention of IBD and it's dismissed as a tummy ache and some diarrhea. No one gets how disabling this effing disease is. I've missed years of working, travel, and normal life.
As nice as having no agenda is, I miss the financial independence and freedom I had when I worked. I decided to go back to school for nursing because I wanted to impact people who are in unfortunate circumstances. I want to help people with new ostomies feel OK and move forward in a positive manner. I can be an ostomy nurse better than anyone and I have the scars to prove it. My doubts are filtering in. School will be a few years. This coming semester is dead because of another surgery. Is it realistic to pursue it? Do you ever feel you are supposed to be doing something amazing and impactful but you don't know how to get there? I'm going to be 35 in just over a month. What have I done with my blank slate of life? I don't know anymore. I'm beginning to wonder what the hell I'm supposed to do. What am I contributing. What strengths do I have that I can really put to use? So many things feel just beyond my reach. Life gets in the way. My illness gets in the way. I have big things I want to do but not sure what they are. Vague dreams perhaps. It's hard to fine tune and make things happen through pain and weakness and illness. I guess I'm pissed off about it. There is no comment box in life. No one will get back to me to resolve the problem. Sometimes it isn't fair. I have grown a bit stronger but at the same time more doubtful and hesitant. I keep waiting for some complication or setback. Something to once more, derail my life. Who can I email about all this? I need tech support for my life.