Time disappears. Faster the less you use to live.

**I started this in midSeptember and never came back.  I just didn't want to put it out there. I have since turned 40. I don’t feel much different. But I have to speak my truth and let it fall. I obviously never finished this. I’ve done a few vlogs since and find it’s easier even though they can be longer. For World IBD day I'll finally post.   GutsyLisa919** https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCoG5ntpAUYkK_YyceAdgBcQ

So I've been meaning to write since the spring. I don't know why I never came back. It's been almost a year. Does anyone give a shit? Notice I haven't written? Probably not. Let's be real. I don't exactly keep quiet. Not much has changed but seems everything. I feel overwhelmed by this feeling of time lately. What I've missed. What I didn't do with so much of it. Maybe it's this looming 40. Anyone who knows me knows my birthday is basically a holiday and should be a week. I always imagined this one would be something amazing. I feel like I'm due. I lost a decade so quickly. It almost doesn't seem fair for this to be a thing. I try not to compare my life to others but, when I see what people are making happen and experiencing while I take 4 hour naps and see my surgeon or am not up to leaving the house, it's hard to not feel disappointed. No jealously. I'm happy for people. Amazed. I dislike myself. I dislike my inability to be who I was. I am disappointed that my internal drive and personality is no longer reflected in my life. I've become complacent and I suppose too accepting. And yet it's heartbreaking despite the realistic way I see myself. I feel very lonely. That's probably not the word. I guess I feel invisible. After years of inability I know I'm not considered. I don't have my tribe, as people like to say. And that's contrary to the first 31 years of my life. It's this thing I can't come to grips with. So it just makes me feel empty. Which makes me less ambitious if that is even possible.
In the current situation I've been home w the girls alone for 2 weeks bc husband is in NY handling family things. So I'm planning what I can do alone Tuesday. A great lunch? Somewhere I've been meaning to try or see. It is a fact that is upsetting. More than I can describe. This will be posted after to avoid possible sympathy plans etc... Me saying this isn't looking for pity or attention. If someone hasn't asked or planned something then that's authentic. And hey, I suppose that's fine. Out of sight out of mind. Not a person in people's lives enough to plan anything. It just makes me sad. The stark reality of what my life really is. What it might not be. My thoughts and goals just wrecked.
I've started journaling again when I can remember. I hesitate to really empty out like I used to Bc I had someone in the past decide to read all of them one day(going back to Middle School) and creating drama so I got rid of them all. I regret that. At this age I'd love to be able and read what was in my head at 14. But I can't. Nothing like an adult being jealous of me and what I did at 16 when they didn't even know me. And attempt to make me feel guilty for life already done that has zero impact. I’ll never trust my thoughts on paper completely unfiltered anymore.  But I digress.
I'm still fatigued. I'm less than 100# daily(Bc I'm nuts and weigh myself every morning.) Usually 97# in the morning. I'm just not healthy. Pain still. Definitely adhesions and muscle spasms. There are just certain places a muscle spasm should  NEVER happen. But I'm lucky like that.
It’s been really hard to hear people’s complaints lately. I’m not in a good place for sympathy. Especially when it comes in response to me trying to vent my disappointment and sadness. I don’t know. Maybe that’s selfish or bitchy. But it is. It's hard to here people's lives "suck" when they have no clue what an ideal situation they are in. Big picture. But it's all relative. I get it.

**I started this in midSeptember and never came back.  I just didn't want to put it out there. I have since turned 40. I don’t feel much different. But I have to speak my truth and let it fall. I obviously never finished this. I’ve done a few vlogs since and find it’s easier even though they can be longer. For World IBD day I'll finally post.   GutsyLisa919** https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCoG5ntpAUYkK_YyceAdgBcQ

So I've been meaning to write since the spring. I don't know why I never came back. It's been almost a year. Does anyone give a shit? Notice I haven't written? Probably not. Let's be real. I don't exactly keep quiet. Not much has changed but seems everything. I feel overwhelmed by this feeling of time lately. What I've missed. What I didn't do with so much of it. Maybe it's this looming 40. Anyone who knows me knows my birthday is basically a holiday and should be a week. I always imagined this one would be something amazing. I feel like I'm due. I lost a decade so quickly. It almost doesn't seem fair for this to be a thing. I try not to compare my life to others but, when I see what people are making happen and experiencing while I take 4 hour naps and see my surgeon or am not up to leaving the house, it's hard to not feel disappointed. No jealously. I'm happy for people. Amazed. I dislike myself. I dislike my inability to be who I was. I am disappointed that my internal drive and personality is no longer reflected in my life. I've become complacent and I suppose too accepting. And yet it's heartbreaking despite the realistic way I see myself. I feel very lonely. That's probably not the word. I guess I feel invisible. After years of inability I know I'm not considered. I don't have my tribe, as people like to say. And that's contrary to the first 31 years of my life. It's this thing I can't come to grips with. So it just makes me feel empty. Which makes me less ambitious if that is even possible.
In the current situation I've been home w the girls alone for 2 weeks bc husband is in NY handling family things. So I'm planning what I can do alone Tuesday. A great lunch? Somewhere I've been meaning to try or see. It is a fact that is upsetting. More than I can describe. This will be posted after to avoid possible sympathy plans etc... Me saying this isn't looking for pity or attention. If someone hasn't asked or planned something then that's authentic. And hey, I suppose that's fine. Out of sight out of mind. Not a person in people's lives enough to plan anything. It just makes me sad. The stark reality of what my life really is. What it might not be. My thoughts and goals just wrecked.
I've started journaling again when I can remember. I hesitate to really empty out like I used to Bc I had someone in the past decide to read all of them one day(going back to Middle School) and creating drama so I got rid of them all. I regret that. At this age I'd love to be able and read what was in my head at 14. But I can't. Nothing like an adult being jealous of me and what I did at 16 when they didn't even know me. And attempt to make me feel guilty for life already done that has zero impact. I’ll never trust my thoughts on paper completely unfiltered anymore.  But I digress.
I'm still fatigued. I'm less than 100# daily(Bc I'm nuts and weigh myself every morning.) Usually 97# in the morning. I'm just not healthy. Pain still. Definitely adhesions and muscle spasms. There are just certain places a muscle spasm should  NEVER happen. But I'm lucky like that.
It’s been really hard to hear people’s complaints lately. I’m not in a good place for sympathy. Especially when it comes in response to me trying to vent my disappointment and sadness. I don’t know. Maybe that’s selfish or bitchy. But it is. It's hard to here people's lives "suck" when they have no clue what an ideal situation they are in. Big picture. But it's all relative. I get it.