Monday, January 21, 2013

Has the fight left this fighter?

So here's this Gym Class Heroes song called The Fighter. I absolutely love it. It actually chokes me up. It's about a boxer, (even though the video features an Olympic gymnast) but man, most of the lyrics are talking about me the last few years. Have a listen.






It's great isn't it? It makes me realize that whether people acknowledge it or not, I'm a fighter. I've been fighting daily for years. Even now, post colectomy, my fight continues. It's exhausting. I'm seriously beginning to think my fight is gone. Is that even possible. It's the night before my classes start up and I'm anxious. I need A's, no exceptions or else I retake Anatomy and Physiology to try again or don't move forward in the program. I'm afraid I don't have it anymore. In my brain I have a lot of things I want to accomplish, but it stops there. I should be happy and relieved that life is on a much healthier scale than it's been in years. I know that. I'm not taking it for granted. I still have issues that disrupt my days, my sleep, my eating. I have pain. But it's a different ball game now. Even so, I want to lie in bed. Just because I want to. Because I don't have to be there because I'm malnourished and anemic. I want to lay in bed and be lazy. By choice. But then I feel guilty because I'm pretty sure I told myself when I was balled up in the hospital in pain, a PICC line in my arm because all my veins were shot, that if I ever got healthy and beat this shit, I would never waste another day in bed again. In fact, I know I did. Yet here I am. My lazy ass slugging along. I have this idea that I want to run the CCFA Team Challenge marathon. Of course this depending on my foot healing but for arguments sake let's say it does.... I don't know if I have it in me to push myself anymore. When I was sick I had no choice but to force myself to go on. I somehow made it through days of seeing spots and almost blacking out, being in so much pain it takes your breath away, being too weak to lift a spoon to my mouth, or step up onto a curb. It's amazing the strength we have when THERE IS NO CHOICE. You just do it. Smile through pain and fear. Joke with the nurses when you are scared out of your mind. Take a deep breath as you are about to undergo another invasive test. Or 6 hours of IV infusion for a medicine that shuts your immune system down. And you joke when they can't get a vein, or it blows, or they hit a valve, or they just can't get it and they are rooting under your skin until you tell them to stop. You put your nose in the air when you see people looking at the bruises on your arms, and see how underweight you are and you know exactly what they assume. You keep going. The tears running down your face into your ears because you are lying there listening as they tell you that you need 2 more units of blood because the first two weren't enough.
Maybe that's all I had. I had a certain amount of fight and now my bank's empty. I don't know. Maybe I'm just tapped out for now. The surgeries this year were a lot. They shook me more than I let on day to day. It's not easy getting gutted. Now, when I have pain or discomfort it's just exhausting. Like, come on body... ENOUGH. <Sigh>.  Some days I just don't have it in me to deal. It's heartbreaking after so long. Maybe I just need a fight refill? Recharge... Let's hope there's still some in there somewhere.

Friday, January 11, 2013

So great!!!

I got featured on another blog!!! It's so cool to see yourself and your story on another person's blog! I'm honored Sarah Kay Hoffman asked me! Check it out!!

http://www.sarahkayhoffman.com/2013/01/11/lisa-polley-a-gutsy-girl-with-ulcerative-colitis/

Monday, January 7, 2013

Sleep deprivation and the accompanied fun.

I'm exhausted. I've been exhausted since the summer of 2008. Seriously. Between my divorce, my move and work transfer, the custody battle my ex initiated, my illness, hospitalizations, meds and surgery,  I am a walking tired hag.  I don't mean mentally, although that happens from time to time, just physically exhausted. Where the *thought* of showering is overwhelming. I sleep like hell. My insides always seem to decide that starting at 9/10pm to be obnoxious. That carries through off and on until about 430. So that 7am alarm is brutal. Mentally, and emotionally I want to go back to work. I do. I miss it. Then I think about how I feel 90% of the time and wonder how I can pull that off. My prescription is at the WalMart that sits across the street from my neighborhood. I can't even get my act together to get it. So I'm suffering with spasms. Bad. I don't know the last time I slept through the night. I don't even want 8 hours. A solid 5 would be a dream. I've tried Ambien and I fall asleep like a dream. Too bad it's not strong enough to override my guts. It's not fun stumbling in the dark, half asleep on Ambien, trying to get to the bathroom. And trying not to wake Hubs up in the process. Ugh- I could scream. I will waste the day on the couch or in bed, dozing on and off. Today is the perfect example. I felt queasy all night. Finally went into a sleep maybe around 2. Up at 330a. Alarm at 7a to get DD #1 out the door. I was back in bed by 730a. Slept until after 10a. Wow... and I'm still tired. The queasiness remains. I'm sicker than usual today. Feeling lightheaded and seeing spots. Sticking with my saltine diet. It's almost 4p and I have no dinner plan. Nothing is defrosted. Even if it was, I would have no ambition to cook it. Somehow I will get it together. I never really know where it comes from or how I do it. Sometimes I look back on my day and I'm either disgusted or in awe of myself. My classes start in 2 weeks. I'm already wondering how I'll do it. And the wonder, is making me even more exhausted. Happy slumbers everyone. Don't ever take a well rested morning for granted. XO