Spring Break of Yuck

PHEW!! Here I am.. so completely late with a post but after I got back from our Spring Break trip to Florida, school went into overdrive and I had no time at all. School has been a killer. Rethinking my options and coming up with a Plan B. I am just not intuitively a "science person". I am struggling. Big time. What I want to do and what I'm cut out to do don't seem to be meshing very well. It is such a vigorous and competitive program, it's unreal. Lots of frustration. It's making me crazy!
I had load of work due right before break that was just overwhelming. I was so happy to have class end that Thursday and was looking forward to flying to Florida for a few days and have no stress, no agenda. Sounds perfect, right? Too good to be true? Well, duh. Naturally!!
Me with the girls on the plane----->

We got into Daytona Beach on Friday and had a great weekend. It was a bit colder than I like but we got to the beach and everything was going great. I rocked a bikini with my scars and my near death skin tone. Exhibit A--->

Then Monday hit. The 19 month old was exploding out of both ends. No fever. Super clingy and barfing so I was in luck and she was puking all over me. After being covered in crap and poop for about 24 hours, I basically was just waiting for me to get it. How could I avoid a virus that I was essentially covered in? I hoped it would pass quickly for Daughter #2 and skip me so we could have the last day or so of a nice vacay. Hahahahahahahaah, YEAH RIGHT!!! I got it. Bad. D #2's had stopped by Tuesday morning for the most part. I was still feeling A-OK Tuesday evening. Then 1am hit and the queasiness started. Awesome. I laid there just hoping it would pass. Maybe I ate too much. Anything. Nope. By 2am I was a wreck. Violently throwing up and running for the john. Sometimes simultaneously. I know. Isn't that a great visual. You're welcome. =)
By 7am I found out my mom had it too. By 730am I was seeing spots and could barely stand up. Let's keep in mind I have no colon, which is your water, salt and electrolyte absorber. So I'm already prone to dehydration on a good day. The Norovirus explosions were killing me. If I took one sip of Gatorade, I would throw it right up. It wasn't looking good. After years of being malnourished, dehydrated and anemic, I know when I need medical attention and when I'm within seconds of blacking out. It's not even a scary feeling anymore. Being a chronically ill person makes you weird. But I digress. Let's keep in mind that I was supposed to fly out at 230p. Doubtful. So a plan was made for me to get IV fluids and my Hubs back in TX was calling Delta to find out how to change my flight due to medical reasons. I was so out of it I couldn't form a comprehensive thought. HORRIBLE. Luckily my mom works for a primary care doctor who does IVs at the office so they awesomely fit me in during their lunch hour to top off my fluids. My BP was 84/62 and resting HR 119. None of which is a good thing combined. So yeah- and naturally my crap ass veins coupled with the dehydration made it so it took 5 sticks and an hour to even get the IV in. I was hurting. Those of you with good veins should feel lucky. Having someone dig around in a vein to get it hurts like a BITCH. Not to mention the sweet junkie bruises that get left behind. I had some tears of frustration, not going to lie. I get so pissed off at times like that. The simplest thing like getting an IV threaded turns into a hour long nightmare.
I was having horrible cramps and spasms which led my brain into a spiral of fear because it felt like I was flaring again. Freaked me out. I was really upset. Laying there that day does nothing but solidify the fact that I'll never be "NORMAL". I will always be fighting and battling something because my body is down one major organ. My anatomy is forever altered which brings on it's own set of bullshit problems.  Anyone looking at me would never guess my internal issues. I'm sure people rolled their eyes that I needed fluids that easily. Whatever. I'm over what people think. That 24 hour Norovirus knocked me down for easily a week. Even going on two weeks later, my spasms are continuing worse than before and I am hurting. I've upped my muscle relaxers and got more pain pills from my surgeon who I happened to see the day after I got back. All from that stupid virus. I joked that I didn't even puke that much on Spring Break in college. Seriously. Nasty business. If you don't know much about it, I'm including a link my Hubs found. It's a very smart virus. Too smart. My oldest daughter never got sick, but Hubs did a few days after I got home. Misery.
Here's the link--->>>>   http://phenomena.nationalgeographic.com/2013/01/02/the-norovirus-a-study-in-puked-perfection/
It's a very interesting read and scary all at once. These tiny little bastards could wipe us out if they wanted to.

Here are some pics from the trip before everyone started hurling. Enjoy and thanks for reading! XO

PHEW!! Here I am.. so completely late with a post but after I got back from our Spring Break trip to Florida, school went into overdrive and I had no time at all. School has been a killer. Rethinking my options and coming up with a Plan B. I am just not intuitively a "science person". I am struggling. Big time. What I want to do and what I'm cut out to do don't seem to be meshing very well. It is such a vigorous and competitive program, it's unreal. Lots of frustration. It's making me crazy!
I had load of work due right before break that was just overwhelming. I was so happy to have class end that Thursday and was looking forward to flying to Florida for a few days and have no stress, no agenda. Sounds perfect, right? Too good to be true? Well, duh. Naturally!!
Me with the girls on the plane----->

We got into Daytona Beach on Friday and had a great weekend. It was a bit colder than I like but we got to the beach and everything was going great. I rocked a bikini with my scars and my near death skin tone. Exhibit A--->

Then Monday hit. The 19 month old was exploding out of both ends. No fever. Super clingy and barfing so I was in luck and she was puking all over me. After being covered in crap and poop for about 24 hours, I basically was just waiting for me to get it. How could I avoid a virus that I was essentially covered in? I hoped it would pass quickly for Daughter #2 and skip me so we could have the last day or so of a nice vacay. Hahahahahahahaah, YEAH RIGHT!!! I got it. Bad. D #2's had stopped by Tuesday morning for the most part. I was still feeling A-OK Tuesday evening. Then 1am hit and the queasiness started. Awesome. I laid there just hoping it would pass. Maybe I ate too much. Anything. Nope. By 2am I was a wreck. Violently throwing up and running for the john. Sometimes simultaneously. I know. Isn't that a great visual. You're welcome. =)
By 7am I found out my mom had it too. By 730am I was seeing spots and could barely stand up. Let's keep in mind I have no colon, which is your water, salt and electrolyte absorber. So I'm already prone to dehydration on a good day. The Norovirus explosions were killing me. If I took one sip of Gatorade, I would throw it right up. It wasn't looking good. After years of being malnourished, dehydrated and anemic, I know when I need medical attention and when I'm within seconds of blacking out. It's not even a scary feeling anymore. Being a chronically ill person makes you weird. But I digress. Let's keep in mind that I was supposed to fly out at 230p. Doubtful. So a plan was made for me to get IV fluids and my Hubs back in TX was calling Delta to find out how to change my flight due to medical reasons. I was so out of it I couldn't form a comprehensive thought. HORRIBLE. Luckily my mom works for a primary care doctor who does IVs at the office so they awesomely fit me in during their lunch hour to top off my fluids. My BP was 84/62 and resting HR 119. None of which is a good thing combined. So yeah- and naturally my crap ass veins coupled with the dehydration made it so it took 5 sticks and an hour to even get the IV in. I was hurting. Those of you with good veins should feel lucky. Having someone dig around in a vein to get it hurts like a BITCH. Not to mention the sweet junkie bruises that get left behind. I had some tears of frustration, not going to lie. I get so pissed off at times like that. The simplest thing like getting an IV threaded turns into a hour long nightmare.
I was having horrible cramps and spasms which led my brain into a spiral of fear because it felt like I was flaring again. Freaked me out. I was really upset. Laying there that day does nothing but solidify the fact that I'll never be "NORMAL". I will always be fighting and battling something because my body is down one major organ. My anatomy is forever altered which brings on it's own set of bullshit problems.  Anyone looking at me would never guess my internal issues. I'm sure people rolled their eyes that I needed fluids that easily. Whatever. I'm over what people think. That 24 hour Norovirus knocked me down for easily a week. Even going on two weeks later, my spasms are continuing worse than before and I am hurting. I've upped my muscle relaxers and got more pain pills from my surgeon who I happened to see the day after I got back. All from that stupid virus. I joked that I didn't even puke that much on Spring Break in college. Seriously. Nasty business. If you don't know much about it, I'm including a link my Hubs found. It's a very smart virus. Too smart. My oldest daughter never got sick, but Hubs did a few days after I got home. Misery.
Here's the link--->>>>   http://phenomena.nationalgeographic.com/2013/01/02/the-norovirus-a-study-in-puked-perfection/
It's a very interesting read and scary all at once. These tiny little bastards could wipe us out if they wanted to.

Here are some pics from the trip before everyone started hurling. Enjoy and thanks for reading! XO

Challenging myself (if I can make time)!

Going to take the WEGO Health challenge for April and blog daily for the activist challenge. Yikes! I'm still trying to sit down and type up my adventures over Spring Break. After my quizzes at school tomorrow I definitely will.
But in the meantime, check it out and see if it's a challenge you are up to!!

Click http://info.wegohealth.com/hawmc  to check it out!
To tweet along, use #HAWMC @wegohealth!!
Happy blogging. Happy Hump Day! Be back soon!

Going to take the WEGO Health challenge for April and blog daily for the activist challenge. Yikes! I'm still trying to sit down and type up my adventures over Spring Break. After my quizzes at school tomorrow I definitely will.
But in the meantime, check it out and see if it's a challenge you are up to!!

Click http://info.wegohealth.com/hawmc  to check it out!
To tweet along, use #HAWMC @wegohealth!!
Happy blogging. Happy Hump Day! Be back soon!

How awesome!!!!

Hey everyone.
Just settling back in from Spring Break...story and drama to follow but until then, check out my guest blog post for The Great Bowel Movement!! I was so excited they asked me to contribute!! Enjoy!

http://thegreatbowelmovement.org/telling-my-ibd-and-ostomy-awareness-story/

Hey everyone.
Just settling back in from Spring Break...story and drama to follow but until then, check out my guest blog post for The Great Bowel Movement!! I was so excited they asked me to contribute!! Enjoy!

http://thegreatbowelmovement.org/telling-my-ibd-and-ostomy-awareness-story/

curves, swerves, and milestones.

Hey everyone... I have been a bad blog mommy. It has been way too long and it's because I'm back in school and the last few weeks most of my free time has been studying for my A&P exam, practical and writing a lab report. This weekend I need to do some reviewing but I can't make myself pick my book up yet.
Hubs was organizing and getting some of the taxes done earlier today and I had to give him all the miles I had driven for medical reasons. As I was going through the list, todays date from last year popped up and it was the day I had my last Remicade infusion!! It wasn't supposed to be my last but after the debacle the new hospital put me through and how long it took I never rescheduled the one more I should have gotten before I had my colectomy. I survived, even though I took a chance that my flare would get worse and cause issues going into surgery. I just couldn't bring myself to go back another time and pump myself full of chemicals that weren't even doing their job. Not to mention the pneumonia I was fighting (not fighting) to no avail because I had zero immune system from the Remi. Choosing to skip that last infusion was a toss up for me because it meant chancing my flare getting worse, but on the flip side, prolonging my pneumonia and possible postponing my surgery because I couldn't get better. So I decided to give my immune system a go when by March, I still had pneumonia from the end of January and had been on roughly four rounds of antibiotic and two steroid shots. I could not get rid of it and as April approached I was getting really nervous that my colectomy would have to be rescheduled because I couldn't fight stupid pneumonia.
It all worked out in the end after a few more rounds of antibiotic, another steroid shot, a set of chest x rays and two CT scans. I'm pretty sure the outcome would have been different had I bombarded my body with more Remi at the end of April.
Needless to say, I haven't been sick since. Stuffed up a few days here and there but not sick! Finally... after constantly being rundown, feverish, achy, and coughing for a year at a time, I've got nothing even close. AMAZING!! So, I felt the need to write a little something commemorating this first milestone of a few more that will come this year.
School has been crazy, trying to handle it the best I can with everything else that goes on day to day. Every day there's something with kids...there are days I have to choose what to make a priority and obviously it's my kids. I'm not too happy with my first test score but I made the class average so I guess it could be worse. A lot worse.
My 18 month old is basically out of control. Everyday I think she's going to bounce her way out of her crib a la Tigger. It's nuts. No sitting still. Unless she's asleep. And she really doesn't like me studying. She prefers to take my pens and pencils and attempt to make graffiti on my $180 lab book. AWESOME.
Oh and I'm blonde again. So many exciting things. My head's swimming with all the activity around here. =)
I'm really excited that the girls and I are heading to Florida for a few days over spring break.  Daytona bound! Whenever I go back it's like I go home a bit. I loved living down there. I had the best time. I miss the beach. I miss the salt air. I can't wait. It'll be nice. My sister will be going down too and I'll get to meet my little niece. Can't wait. I have roughly two weeks to get my body bikini ready... totally possible, right??!! Right..... ;-) Ok good. I'll start on that tomorrow. Or maybe Monday. We'll see. I don't know. Maybe some self tanner will hide everything. Kinda like photoshop. Sounds perfect.
My oldest turns 8 a week from today. I can't even believe it. Too much to process. An 8 year old. Holy crap. How am I old enough to have an 8 year old??? No birthday plans yet because school has been consuming my life, but as the song says... "Life throws you curves. You learn to swerve". Thanks, Rascal Flatts. That sums up the last few years perfectly.
Have a great weekend everyone. Thanks for reading. XO

Hey everyone... I have been a bad blog mommy. It has been way too long and it's because I'm back in school and the last few weeks most of my free time has been studying for my A&P exam, practical and writing a lab report. This weekend I need to do some reviewing but I can't make myself pick my book up yet.
Hubs was organizing and getting some of the taxes done earlier today and I had to give him all the miles I had driven for medical reasons. As I was going through the list, todays date from last year popped up and it was the day I had my last Remicade infusion!! It wasn't supposed to be my last but after the debacle the new hospital put me through and how long it took I never rescheduled the one more I should have gotten before I had my colectomy. I survived, even though I took a chance that my flare would get worse and cause issues going into surgery. I just couldn't bring myself to go back another time and pump myself full of chemicals that weren't even doing their job. Not to mention the pneumonia I was fighting (not fighting) to no avail because I had zero immune system from the Remi. Choosing to skip that last infusion was a toss up for me because it meant chancing my flare getting worse, but on the flip side, prolonging my pneumonia and possible postponing my surgery because I couldn't get better. So I decided to give my immune system a go when by March, I still had pneumonia from the end of January and had been on roughly four rounds of antibiotic and two steroid shots. I could not get rid of it and as April approached I was getting really nervous that my colectomy would have to be rescheduled because I couldn't fight stupid pneumonia.
It all worked out in the end after a few more rounds of antibiotic, another steroid shot, a set of chest x rays and two CT scans. I'm pretty sure the outcome would have been different had I bombarded my body with more Remi at the end of April.
Needless to say, I haven't been sick since. Stuffed up a few days here and there but not sick! Finally... after constantly being rundown, feverish, achy, and coughing for a year at a time, I've got nothing even close. AMAZING!! So, I felt the need to write a little something commemorating this first milestone of a few more that will come this year.
School has been crazy, trying to handle it the best I can with everything else that goes on day to day. Every day there's something with kids...there are days I have to choose what to make a priority and obviously it's my kids. I'm not too happy with my first test score but I made the class average so I guess it could be worse. A lot worse.
My 18 month old is basically out of control. Everyday I think she's going to bounce her way out of her crib a la Tigger. It's nuts. No sitting still. Unless she's asleep. And she really doesn't like me studying. She prefers to take my pens and pencils and attempt to make graffiti on my $180 lab book. AWESOME.
Oh and I'm blonde again. So many exciting things. My head's swimming with all the activity around here. =)
I'm really excited that the girls and I are heading to Florida for a few days over spring break.  Daytona bound! Whenever I go back it's like I go home a bit. I loved living down there. I had the best time. I miss the beach. I miss the salt air. I can't wait. It'll be nice. My sister will be going down too and I'll get to meet my little niece. Can't wait. I have roughly two weeks to get my body bikini ready... totally possible, right??!! Right..... ;-) Ok good. I'll start on that tomorrow. Or maybe Monday. We'll see. I don't know. Maybe some self tanner will hide everything. Kinda like photoshop. Sounds perfect.
My oldest turns 8 a week from today. I can't even believe it. Too much to process. An 8 year old. Holy crap. How am I old enough to have an 8 year old??? No birthday plans yet because school has been consuming my life, but as the song says... "Life throws you curves. You learn to swerve". Thanks, Rascal Flatts. That sums up the last few years perfectly.
Have a great weekend everyone. Thanks for reading. XO

Nonstop, little sleep, lots of meds, repeat.

It has been some time!!! Sorry it's been so long... Following my last blog post I was miserable and dealing with some JPouch issues and was in the worst mood for a few days and then life got in the way. I saw my surgeon last week and was basically a wreck. I wasn't sleeping because my skin was so raw and was weeping. NOTHING I did was working. The pain and the spasms kept me up or woke me up multiple times per night. I had lost a very small amount of blood a few times, and after everything I've been through, one drop and I am in an internal panic. I was near a breaking point from exhaustion. My surgeon comes in the room and I just started crying. He didn't know what to do. I launched into my tirade about my misery and exhaustion and just kept crying. He looks at me after I stopped for a second, and says, "Lisa, I don't know how to handle this with you. You are one of the strongest people I have ever treated, with one of the worst cases of UC, and you always have humor and a joke. I can't handle this side of you. I'm going to fix it". Well, naturally that made me cry harder and then lucky me....... I got to have an internal exam. It was my lucky day. Whoop whoop. Once again I will reiterate, I have no shame, dignity or modesty left... LONG GONE!!
So, he prescribes me Valium, more Flexeril(yeah, who knew digestive diseases would get you the good stuff), lidocaine gel(use your imagination) and a topical cream. I'm seriously a walking pharmacy. Want to know how often I fill prescriptions? They don't even glance at my license for a controlled substance anymore because THEY KNOW ME. Crazy. But I digress....
I felt better after leaving the office because my surgeon is great. He will listen, and keep trying to fix whatever the problem is. So many doctors dismiss their patients and are arrogant. I get none of that with mine and it's wonderful.
In the meantime I started classes and it is kicking my ass. A lot of work. A lot of material. It's scary. I am having my moments of being overwhelmed especially when my 18 month old is going nuts, tearing through the house and I'm trying to study tissues samples!! Yikes. No bueno. On top of it, my sleep is very broken which makes the mornings feel like torture. I'm trying to adjust. One thing that is so awesome that most will find weird is that Hubs installed a retro fit Bidet on our master bathroom toilet. OMG seriously, it is amazing!! Everyone should have one. Seriously. Go Bidet. It has changed my life now that I have a JPouch and the skin issues that go along with it as I've explained before.
Anyway- that's been my big exciting news. So great.
Oh, another awesome thing is I am going to be a guest blogger for http://thegreatbowelmovement.org/. I am so excited. They are a great little thing with awesome Tshirts like the one I have that says, "Ask me about my Ostomy". Awareness, awareness and conversation. So important to us IBD activists. As soon as it's up and posted I will link it! So cool.
It's things like that that make me so happy I started blogging.

Well, I am going back to some studying before bed. Test on Monday and I never maximize my weekend as much as I'd like. Have a great night everyone. Thanks for reading. XO

It has been some time!!! Sorry it's been so long... Following my last blog post I was miserable and dealing with some JPouch issues and was in the worst mood for a few days and then life got in the way. I saw my surgeon last week and was basically a wreck. I wasn't sleeping because my skin was so raw and was weeping. NOTHING I did was working. The pain and the spasms kept me up or woke me up multiple times per night. I had lost a very small amount of blood a few times, and after everything I've been through, one drop and I am in an internal panic. I was near a breaking point from exhaustion. My surgeon comes in the room and I just started crying. He didn't know what to do. I launched into my tirade about my misery and exhaustion and just kept crying. He looks at me after I stopped for a second, and says, "Lisa, I don't know how to handle this with you. You are one of the strongest people I have ever treated, with one of the worst cases of UC, and you always have humor and a joke. I can't handle this side of you. I'm going to fix it". Well, naturally that made me cry harder and then lucky me....... I got to have an internal exam. It was my lucky day. Whoop whoop. Once again I will reiterate, I have no shame, dignity or modesty left... LONG GONE!!
So, he prescribes me Valium, more Flexeril(yeah, who knew digestive diseases would get you the good stuff), lidocaine gel(use your imagination) and a topical cream. I'm seriously a walking pharmacy. Want to know how often I fill prescriptions? They don't even glance at my license for a controlled substance anymore because THEY KNOW ME. Crazy. But I digress....
I felt better after leaving the office because my surgeon is great. He will listen, and keep trying to fix whatever the problem is. So many doctors dismiss their patients and are arrogant. I get none of that with mine and it's wonderful.
In the meantime I started classes and it is kicking my ass. A lot of work. A lot of material. It's scary. I am having my moments of being overwhelmed especially when my 18 month old is going nuts, tearing through the house and I'm trying to study tissues samples!! Yikes. No bueno. On top of it, my sleep is very broken which makes the mornings feel like torture. I'm trying to adjust. One thing that is so awesome that most will find weird is that Hubs installed a retro fit Bidet on our master bathroom toilet. OMG seriously, it is amazing!! Everyone should have one. Seriously. Go Bidet. It has changed my life now that I have a JPouch and the skin issues that go along with it as I've explained before.
Anyway- that's been my big exciting news. So great.
Oh, another awesome thing is I am going to be a guest blogger for http://thegreatbowelmovement.org/. I am so excited. They are a great little thing with awesome Tshirts like the one I have that says, "Ask me about my Ostomy". Awareness, awareness and conversation. So important to us IBD activists. As soon as it's up and posted I will link it! So cool.
It's things like that that make me so happy I started blogging.

Well, I am going back to some studying before bed. Test on Monday and I never maximize my weekend as much as I'd like. Have a great night everyone. Thanks for reading. XO

Has the fight left this fighter?

So here's this Gym Class Heroes song called The Fighter. I absolutely love it. It actually chokes me up. It's about a boxer, (even though the video features an Olympic gymnast) but man, most of the lyrics are talking about me the last few years. Have a listen.






It's great isn't it? It makes me realize that whether people acknowledge it or not, I'm a fighter. I've been fighting daily for years. Even now, post colectomy, my fight continues. It's exhausting. I'm seriously beginning to think my fight is gone. Is that even possible. It's the night before my classes start up and I'm anxious. I need A's, no exceptions or else I retake Anatomy and Physiology to try again or don't move forward in the program. I'm afraid I don't have it anymore. In my brain I have a lot of things I want to accomplish, but it stops there. I should be happy and relieved that life is on a much healthier scale than it's been in years. I know that. I'm not taking it for granted. I still have issues that disrupt my days, my sleep, my eating. I have pain. But it's a different ball game now. Even so, I want to lie in bed. Just because I want to. Because I don't have to be there because I'm malnourished and anemic. I want to lay in bed and be lazy. By choice. But then I feel guilty because I'm pretty sure I told myself when I was balled up in the hospital in pain, a PICC line in my arm because all my veins were shot, that if I ever got healthy and beat this shit, I would never waste another day in bed again. In fact, I know I did. Yet here I am. My lazy ass slugging along. I have this idea that I want to run the CCFA Team Challenge marathon. Of course this depending on my foot healing but for arguments sake let's say it does.... I don't know if I have it in me to push myself anymore. When I was sick I had no choice but to force myself to go on. I somehow made it through days of seeing spots and almost blacking out, being in so much pain it takes your breath away, being too weak to lift a spoon to my mouth, or step up onto a curb. It's amazing the strength we have when THERE IS NO CHOICE. You just do it. Smile through pain and fear. Joke with the nurses when you are scared out of your mind. Take a deep breath as you are about to undergo another invasive test. Or 6 hours of IV infusion for a medicine that shuts your immune system down. And you joke when they can't get a vein, or it blows, or they hit a valve, or they just can't get it and they are rooting under your skin until you tell them to stop. You put your nose in the air when you see people looking at the bruises on your arms, and see how underweight you are and you know exactly what they assume. You keep going. The tears running down your face into your ears because you are lying there listening as they tell you that you need 2 more units of blood because the first two weren't enough.
Maybe that's all I had. I had a certain amount of fight and now my bank's empty. I don't know. Maybe I'm just tapped out for now. The surgeries this year were a lot. They shook me more than I let on day to day. It's not easy getting gutted. Now, when I have pain or discomfort it's just exhausting. Like, come on body... ENOUGH. <Sigh>.  Some days I just don't have it in me to deal. It's heartbreaking after so long. Maybe I just need a fight refill? Recharge... Let's hope there's still some in there somewhere.

So here's this Gym Class Heroes song called The Fighter. I absolutely love it. It actually chokes me up. It's about a boxer, (even though the video features an Olympic gymnast) but man, most of the lyrics are talking about me the last few years. Have a listen.






It's great isn't it? It makes me realize that whether people acknowledge it or not, I'm a fighter. I've been fighting daily for years. Even now, post colectomy, my fight continues. It's exhausting. I'm seriously beginning to think my fight is gone. Is that even possible. It's the night before my classes start up and I'm anxious. I need A's, no exceptions or else I retake Anatomy and Physiology to try again or don't move forward in the program. I'm afraid I don't have it anymore. In my brain I have a lot of things I want to accomplish, but it stops there. I should be happy and relieved that life is on a much healthier scale than it's been in years. I know that. I'm not taking it for granted. I still have issues that disrupt my days, my sleep, my eating. I have pain. But it's a different ball game now. Even so, I want to lie in bed. Just because I want to. Because I don't have to be there because I'm malnourished and anemic. I want to lay in bed and be lazy. By choice. But then I feel guilty because I'm pretty sure I told myself when I was balled up in the hospital in pain, a PICC line in my arm because all my veins were shot, that if I ever got healthy and beat this shit, I would never waste another day in bed again. In fact, I know I did. Yet here I am. My lazy ass slugging along. I have this idea that I want to run the CCFA Team Challenge marathon. Of course this depending on my foot healing but for arguments sake let's say it does.... I don't know if I have it in me to push myself anymore. When I was sick I had no choice but to force myself to go on. I somehow made it through days of seeing spots and almost blacking out, being in so much pain it takes your breath away, being too weak to lift a spoon to my mouth, or step up onto a curb. It's amazing the strength we have when THERE IS NO CHOICE. You just do it. Smile through pain and fear. Joke with the nurses when you are scared out of your mind. Take a deep breath as you are about to undergo another invasive test. Or 6 hours of IV infusion for a medicine that shuts your immune system down. And you joke when they can't get a vein, or it blows, or they hit a valve, or they just can't get it and they are rooting under your skin until you tell them to stop. You put your nose in the air when you see people looking at the bruises on your arms, and see how underweight you are and you know exactly what they assume. You keep going. The tears running down your face into your ears because you are lying there listening as they tell you that you need 2 more units of blood because the first two weren't enough.
Maybe that's all I had. I had a certain amount of fight and now my bank's empty. I don't know. Maybe I'm just tapped out for now. The surgeries this year were a lot. They shook me more than I let on day to day. It's not easy getting gutted. Now, when I have pain or discomfort it's just exhausting. Like, come on body... ENOUGH. <Sigh>.  Some days I just don't have it in me to deal. It's heartbreaking after so long. Maybe I just need a fight refill? Recharge... Let's hope there's still some in there somewhere.

So great!!!

I got featured on another blog!!! It's so cool to see yourself and your story on another person's blog! I'm honored Sarah Kay Hoffman asked me! Check it out!!

http://www.sarahkayhoffman.com/2013/01/11/lisa-polley-a-gutsy-girl-with-ulcerative-colitis/

I got featured on another blog!!! It's so cool to see yourself and your story on another person's blog! I'm honored Sarah Kay Hoffman asked me! Check it out!!

http://www.sarahkayhoffman.com/2013/01/11/lisa-polley-a-gutsy-girl-with-ulcerative-colitis/