It's been a long time coming...

Hello out there. I haven't written since January. Too long. I have thought about it so many times but what I wanted to say was not enough or felt too repetitive, to bother. So here I am. Stuff has happened that I could have written about but this post is 100% influenced by a friend's message I got last week on Facebook. Someone I have not seen in years. And by years I mean 20 which is odd bc I'm TOTALLY only 29 still. ;-) Anyway...

I could attempt to outline the shittiness(according to auto correct- NOT a word) that is IBD but I'm exhausted trying to recall the nonsense from almost an entire year. Let's just say, and so it goes. Pain, meds, pain management, more meds, feeling like shit, fatigue, pain, fatigue...rinse, repeat. The latest was a failed attempt at an epidural with my pain management doctor to try and "break the pain cycle" to give some relief. Not 100% but at least not have it constant. Not for nothing with this failed procedure, it was absolutely blissful to have zero abdominal pain for about four-ish days. Blissful and miserable because, as most people who are chronically ill will tell you, you get to a point where you forget the before. The old you. The normal. So you begin to have a "new" normal life. And it generally is not an upgrade. Well, this four day relief was a bit bittersweet. Getting that time of relief and suddenly remembering how I felt to be a person not in pain pissed me off a bit.
The chance I took for it to work was unknown. Everyone is different and abdominal pain is difficult to treat.
Part of me wishes I hadn't had those four days because now it's fresh. The pain free me isn't this different life fading into the past. It was last fucking month and now it's almost tangible. It is bullshit. But... it didn't work. So now I'm back to where I was before with fresh knowledge of, "Oh yeah I used to not be miserable.". I had basically gotten to the point where the comparison didn't exist because I couldn't remember. And now I can and I'm pissed about it. But it was the chance I took for it to actually work to feel that way pretty regularly. Ignorance can be bliss. That is no lie.

One amazing thing about IBD is this amazing sisterhood that has come about almost entirely online. People you tell anything to, who get you 100% and who you've never met. But they need no explanations. They just know. Some you meet and you know how much the relationship impacts all areas of life. In September I was lucky enough to be the officiant at the wedding of one of my Gutsy Girls. Her husband is amazing and she is someone I know I will always have a connection with. This is me w my hot mic for the ceremony. In true Lisa fashion, at the end, I totally forgot I was miked and started bullshitting with the Bride's sister. No one seemed to notice. Poor Trump. Heehee.

But I digress... I started this discussing a message. This friend had a friend with Crohns, my age, who didn't care for herself and had passed away. I hate reading that because while IBD is not trivial, and can be a bitch, for the most part you will not die if you do it right. Life can suck but you'll be alive. Living is a matter of opinion.
I went months not doing it right in 2009-10 and my first ER visit my Hemoglobin was a 5(they usually transfuse at a 7) and I needed 4 units. Almost half. Yes people, it takes me almost bleeding to death to go to the ER. Stupid or tough-not sure. Anyway it was too close to home. I had responded and in it mentioned how many people think it's trivial which is why I blog and post and am generally annoying about my struggles.

This was her reply: You're never annoying when you bring awareness to such a serious disease. In fact, I credit you with saving my mom's life. I read one of your blog posts a few years ago, when my mom was chronically ill. I sent it to her, which prompted her to question her doctor. She had diverticulitis, and was bleeding internally! Soooo, no, it's never annoying.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Yes people, I bawled. How can you not. It was just this moment of, wow. So maybe I annoy 200 people with my "whining" or doctor check ins, or hospital pictures, but hell yes if what I have to say and what I go through can do this ONE thing??!!! Than I am fine. I'm more than fine. I do have a reason and a voice that can be impactful. Even if it's to a person I've never met who is the mom of a friend I haven't seen since we were drunk in Canada in 1999. 

That message was on October 11th. I haven't stopped thinking about it and what I wanted to say. 

So this is all of it. I feel like I need to come back to this because not only was it therapuetic for me, but apparently more helpful than I thought. People still find their way to my old posts but I hate that it basically stopped. Because it is still a journey. Still a lesson. Still a struggle. Still a life hiding more than I show to everyone. 

Love your guts, everyone. Love your health and the fact that you can! Because nothing matters when your health deteriorates. Nothing. In a month it changes. Day to day. Enjoy it. 

Thanks for reading. XOXO

Hello out there. I haven't written since January. Too long. I have thought about it so many times but what I wanted to say was not enough or felt too repetitive, to bother. So here I am. Stuff has happened that I could have written about but this post is 100% influenced by a friend's message I got last week on Facebook. Someone I have not seen in years. And by years I mean 20 which is odd bc I'm TOTALLY only 29 still. ;-) Anyway...

I could attempt to outline the shittiness(according to auto correct- NOT a word) that is IBD but I'm exhausted trying to recall the nonsense from almost an entire year. Let's just say, and so it goes. Pain, meds, pain management, more meds, feeling like shit, fatigue, pain, fatigue...rinse, repeat. The latest was a failed attempt at an epidural with my pain management doctor to try and "break the pain cycle" to give some relief. Not 100% but at least not have it constant. Not for nothing with this failed procedure, it was absolutely blissful to have zero abdominal pain for about four-ish days. Blissful and miserable because, as most people who are chronically ill will tell you, you get to a point where you forget the before. The old you. The normal. So you begin to have a "new" normal life. And it generally is not an upgrade. Well, this four day relief was a bit bittersweet. Getting that time of relief and suddenly remembering how I felt to be a person not in pain pissed me off a bit.
The chance I took for it to work was unknown. Everyone is different and abdominal pain is difficult to treat.
Part of me wishes I hadn't had those four days because now it's fresh. The pain free me isn't this different life fading into the past. It was last fucking month and now it's almost tangible. It is bullshit. But... it didn't work. So now I'm back to where I was before with fresh knowledge of, "Oh yeah I used to not be miserable.". I had basically gotten to the point where the comparison didn't exist because I couldn't remember. And now I can and I'm pissed about it. But it was the chance I took for it to actually work to feel that way pretty regularly. Ignorance can be bliss. That is no lie.

One amazing thing about IBD is this amazing sisterhood that has come about almost entirely online. People you tell anything to, who get you 100% and who you've never met. But they need no explanations. They just know. Some you meet and you know how much the relationship impacts all areas of life. In September I was lucky enough to be the officiant at the wedding of one of my Gutsy Girls. Her husband is amazing and she is someone I know I will always have a connection with. This is me w my hot mic for the ceremony. In true Lisa fashion, at the end, I totally forgot I was miked and started bullshitting with the Bride's sister. No one seemed to notice. Poor Trump. Heehee.

But I digress... I started this discussing a message. This friend had a friend with Crohns, my age, who didn't care for herself and had passed away. I hate reading that because while IBD is not trivial, and can be a bitch, for the most part you will not die if you do it right. Life can suck but you'll be alive. Living is a matter of opinion.
I went months not doing it right in 2009-10 and my first ER visit my Hemoglobin was a 5(they usually transfuse at a 7) and I needed 4 units. Almost half. Yes people, it takes me almost bleeding to death to go to the ER. Stupid or tough-not sure. Anyway it was too close to home. I had responded and in it mentioned how many people think it's trivial which is why I blog and post and am generally annoying about my struggles.

This was her reply: You're never annoying when you bring awareness to such a serious disease. In fact, I credit you with saving my mom's life. I read one of your blog posts a few years ago, when my mom was chronically ill. I sent it to her, which prompted her to question her doctor. She had diverticulitis, and was bleeding internally! Soooo, no, it's never annoying.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Yes people, I bawled. How can you not. It was just this moment of, wow. So maybe I annoy 200 people with my "whining" or doctor check ins, or hospital pictures, but hell yes if what I have to say and what I go through can do this ONE thing??!!! Than I am fine. I'm more than fine. I do have a reason and a voice that can be impactful. Even if it's to a person I've never met who is the mom of a friend I haven't seen since we were drunk in Canada in 1999. 

That message was on October 11th. I haven't stopped thinking about it and what I wanted to say. 

So this is all of it. I feel like I need to come back to this because not only was it therapuetic for me, but apparently more helpful than I thought. People still find their way to my old posts but I hate that it basically stopped. Because it is still a journey. Still a lesson. Still a struggle. Still a life hiding more than I show to everyone. 

Love your guts, everyone. Love your health and the fact that you can! Because nothing matters when your health deteriorates. Nothing. In a month it changes. Day to day. Enjoy it. 

Thanks for reading. XOXO

More Hurdles.

****** I started this entry about a week ago and just couldn't get my mind around it. There was a lot more to my hospital stay but I'm so mentally exhausted I can't recall details and all of it. I'm just too tired. So here's the gist of it anyway. ******


Hello all. I haven't written since my surgery on the 23rd. Recovery while in the hospital was brutal and since being home I just haven't had it in me. I'm hurting. I'm tired. Everything I do wipes me out for two days. My incision is hot pain. I'm sure the scar tissue adds to that. But I'll back the story up.
I went home to NY and ate like a pig the week before surgery and it was glorious. Pizza, Greek food, more pizza, chicken finger subs, oh my!! I had the best time with my cousins and seeing my Gram and a bunch of girls I miss a lot.
I came home Sunday and needed to be on liquids all day. I cheated and had breakfast Sunday morning b/c by now I know it was safe and I had time for it to be a nonissue. So let's just reference my meal at about 1130am Sunday.
My surgery was Monday morning. I arrived and got my IV and everything ready to go. All my Hossie flair and "fall risk" bracelet which is my personal fave.

Hospitals are cold. Yes, that's a scarf. I know it's summer.

Apparently they used some new pain blocking situation( the name escapes me) and has been shown to reduce use of opiates after surgery as it dulls/hinders pain receptors for 72 hours after surgery. If that's the case, I don't want to know what it would have felt like without it. I woke from surgery hurting and groggy. I had my PCA that allowed me to use it for a mini amount of Dilaudid every 8 minutes. It's such a low amount it's practically useless. Something like 1/100th of a milligram. I was allowed a push of .5mg of Dilaudid every 4 hours which would have been great except for lucky me, my blood pressure was way too low for them to give it to me. So for the most part I was suffering the first 3 days post Op. BP being 88/56 isn't gonna fly. Nope. So yeah. Just total shit. It didn't matter that my normal BP is like 90/70 on a good day. They wouldn't give me anything. So it wasn't until I was about 3-4 post OP when I finally got some relief. And they had me up and moving already. And was still nothing by mouth(NPO). Not even ice. Yeah. So fun. My first attempt at liquids with a bunch of Zofran was a disaster so that redid the clock in terms of me eating. The popsicle didn't make it and neither did the 3 tablespoons of broth. By then I was 5 days with nothing to eat. So I was pissed. And once again facing the possibility of an NG shoved down my nose and throat. Oh did I mention my hemoglobin level dropped to 7. Yeah that's transfusion level low. So all this was happening at once. IT NEVER GETS EASIER. Ever. NO matter how many times I've gone through this and am mentally prepared for starving for 4-5 days easily and then the pain of your guts working and/or NOT working, it is never easy. It is just horrible every time. Being attached to an IV pole and having no choice but to drop to the hospital floor and barf in the garbage can is insane. Because hospital floors #1 are so clean. I hit the call button and basically jumped. They raced in because they answered the call and I didn't respond.  #2 Meeting your next RN for the next 12 hours while face first in the trash is swell.
Luckily I didn't need a transfusion although I wouldn't have minded getting topped off because it makes me feel so great!
Finally-- 4 days after surgery I could handle liquids. Well, a sip here and there. GI surgery is just so brutal. Your guts don't have to work for months, the surgery shuts them down even more and then trying to get them to work again and not get sick is such a slow road. I've done it way too many times. So on day 5 post OP I got FULL liquids which is still slop but better than unidentifiable broth.
It's all just so exhausting. Being hungry and thirsty makes you nuts. I can't even remember how many times now I've gone 4,5,6 days with nothing to eat or drink. An ice chip here or there. It breaks you. It continually amazes me what I have gone through. I know I'm different now. I try hard not to let it happen but when so many days you have the shit end of a situation you get bitter. No matter how hard you try sometimes, it creeps in. You see things differently and react differently. You resent what you can't do normally anymore. You hate yourself. You feel betrayed by your own body. I have always lived my life in the moment. Ok, today I'm flaring. Ok right now I need surgery etc... but it's always been with a given idea that the funk will pass and things will be good again. After THIS surgery. AFTER this gets better. After 5 years of thinking things will be good after yet another issue, I don't know if I have IT anymore. I don't know how to explain it other than I've defeated myself. Kinda. I'm not done yet but I'm 3 weeks post Op and it's not like everything is perfect. I'm happier without the ostomy but I can't lie. I have moments where I definitely weigh the pros of having one. There are cons even with the best case scenario it would seem. Bummer.

But I'm pushing on. Dealing with being wiped out after doing something normal for a few hours. I have to. Being normal is costly. 1-2 days afterwards are useless. I'm a slug. I just need to get through THIS recovery and everything will be ok... right???

Thanks for reading. XO

****** I started this entry about a week ago and just couldn't get my mind around it. There was a lot more to my hospital stay but I'm so mentally exhausted I can't recall details and all of it. I'm just too tired. So here's the gist of it anyway. ******


Hello all. I haven't written since my surgery on the 23rd. Recovery while in the hospital was brutal and since being home I just haven't had it in me. I'm hurting. I'm tired. Everything I do wipes me out for two days. My incision is hot pain. I'm sure the scar tissue adds to that. But I'll back the story up.
I went home to NY and ate like a pig the week before surgery and it was glorious. Pizza, Greek food, more pizza, chicken finger subs, oh my!! I had the best time with my cousins and seeing my Gram and a bunch of girls I miss a lot.
I came home Sunday and needed to be on liquids all day. I cheated and had breakfast Sunday morning b/c by now I know it was safe and I had time for it to be a nonissue. So let's just reference my meal at about 1130am Sunday.
My surgery was Monday morning. I arrived and got my IV and everything ready to go. All my Hossie flair and "fall risk" bracelet which is my personal fave.

Hospitals are cold. Yes, that's a scarf. I know it's summer.

Apparently they used some new pain blocking situation( the name escapes me) and has been shown to reduce use of opiates after surgery as it dulls/hinders pain receptors for 72 hours after surgery. If that's the case, I don't want to know what it would have felt like without it. I woke from surgery hurting and groggy. I had my PCA that allowed me to use it for a mini amount of Dilaudid every 8 minutes. It's such a low amount it's practically useless. Something like 1/100th of a milligram. I was allowed a push of .5mg of Dilaudid every 4 hours which would have been great except for lucky me, my blood pressure was way too low for them to give it to me. So for the most part I was suffering the first 3 days post Op. BP being 88/56 isn't gonna fly. Nope. So yeah. Just total shit. It didn't matter that my normal BP is like 90/70 on a good day. They wouldn't give me anything. So it wasn't until I was about 3-4 post OP when I finally got some relief. And they had me up and moving already. And was still nothing by mouth(NPO). Not even ice. Yeah. So fun. My first attempt at liquids with a bunch of Zofran was a disaster so that redid the clock in terms of me eating. The popsicle didn't make it and neither did the 3 tablespoons of broth. By then I was 5 days with nothing to eat. So I was pissed. And once again facing the possibility of an NG shoved down my nose and throat. Oh did I mention my hemoglobin level dropped to 7. Yeah that's transfusion level low. So all this was happening at once. IT NEVER GETS EASIER. Ever. NO matter how many times I've gone through this and am mentally prepared for starving for 4-5 days easily and then the pain of your guts working and/or NOT working, it is never easy. It is just horrible every time. Being attached to an IV pole and having no choice but to drop to the hospital floor and barf in the garbage can is insane. Because hospital floors #1 are so clean. I hit the call button and basically jumped. They raced in because they answered the call and I didn't respond.  #2 Meeting your next RN for the next 12 hours while face first in the trash is swell.
Luckily I didn't need a transfusion although I wouldn't have minded getting topped off because it makes me feel so great!
Finally-- 4 days after surgery I could handle liquids. Well, a sip here and there. GI surgery is just so brutal. Your guts don't have to work for months, the surgery shuts them down even more and then trying to get them to work again and not get sick is such a slow road. I've done it way too many times. So on day 5 post OP I got FULL liquids which is still slop but better than unidentifiable broth.
It's all just so exhausting. Being hungry and thirsty makes you nuts. I can't even remember how many times now I've gone 4,5,6 days with nothing to eat or drink. An ice chip here or there. It breaks you. It continually amazes me what I have gone through. I know I'm different now. I try hard not to let it happen but when so many days you have the shit end of a situation you get bitter. No matter how hard you try sometimes, it creeps in. You see things differently and react differently. You resent what you can't do normally anymore. You hate yourself. You feel betrayed by your own body. I have always lived my life in the moment. Ok, today I'm flaring. Ok right now I need surgery etc... but it's always been with a given idea that the funk will pass and things will be good again. After THIS surgery. AFTER this gets better. After 5 years of thinking things will be good after yet another issue, I don't know if I have IT anymore. I don't know how to explain it other than I've defeated myself. Kinda. I'm not done yet but I'm 3 weeks post Op and it's not like everything is perfect. I'm happier without the ostomy but I can't lie. I have moments where I definitely weigh the pros of having one. There are cons even with the best case scenario it would seem. Bummer.

But I'm pushing on. Dealing with being wiped out after doing something normal for a few hours. I have to. Being normal is costly. 1-2 days afterwards are useless. I'm a slug. I just need to get through THIS recovery and everything will be ok... right???

Thanks for reading. XO

"Perseverance, secret of all triumphs."

Hey everyone,
I wanted to write within a month of the last one but, well, honestly it's the same shit. I'M TIRED of hearing it so it seemed ridiculous for me to put it out into the universe. But hey, here I am. Since I last wrote my skin has gotten worse. I'm blowing wafers left and right and they aren't cheap. I'm talking a box of 10 over a weekend and wafers are made to last upwards of a week. I've requested some new products and hoping they work better. Something is off this time where the right wafers are NOT working with my body this time. I know after so many weight fluctuations and surgeries, my abdominal landscape is very deformed. Nothing is flat. So my wafers aren't sealing properly. It blows. I have what feels like the worst sunburn you can imagine, then will adhesive and wax that bonds to the skin that you continually have to tear off sometimes multiple times a day. And it itches. I want to tear into it but I can't. I won't post a pic because it is just awful. It makes a person extremely assholey to be that uncomfortable all the time, 24/7. Yes, no typo. Assholey.
So because of the assholey feeling I'm stuck in, I didn't want to write. I want to hide. Well, I don't truly but I do because of this crap.
My classes started. I'm taking 2 on campus and one online. I feel overextended most days. I could sleep til noon everyday. I sleep like shit. I look like shit. I'm run down and listless. Walking up the stairs hurts. From the amount of output from my ostomy, and the consistency, food is blowing through me and I'm probably absorbing nothing. I've had labs and they all show electrolytes are god but I don't feel right. I don't feel healthy. Aside from skin issues, that's my main issue. If I had energy and slept well the skin issues wouldn't impact me the way they do. I'll take my Jpouch over this. That's saying something because if you've been reading, I was really having issues with my colitis. But they way I see it now, my body HATES ostomies. My skin hates them. My ostomy is like a turtle head. It recesses back into my body and with that, behind the wafer hence mucho leakage and mucho acid eating at my skin. So because I'm a jackass, if I'm going to have discomfort, I want my vanity. I want convenience. I want my JPouch. Yes. I said vanity. I have little for the most part which is evident in me voluntarily getting an ostomy. I will bet 99% off people would not take that route for vanity. But whatever. I did because sometimes I can be a bad ass bitch and I bit the bullet. Well, surgeon says it looks like I'm healing well internally. He'll knock me out and scope me in 2 months and figure out my reversal back to JPouch. Another week in the hospital. Another chance of ileus. Can't wait.
But I'll do it and hopefully PREVENTING the inflammation will prove to be a better option from trying to get rid of it. Because that didn't work. AT ALL. Hence my situation.
I'm thankful for my husband that puts up with all this nonsense from me. I love him. I'm lucky I have him in my life. I'm sure many days he wants to slap the bitchiness right out of me. Many days. MANY.
So patiently waiting for new supplies. I will update on if they work, and hopefully they will. We are going away in March and I'd like to travel somewhat comfortably and not have the trip ruined by blowing ostomy wafers. Springing a leak and having to change in an airplane bathroom sounds like the least fun thing to do on vacation. Nah, I can think of a few more but regardless no fun for Lisa.
Ok everyone, it's time to go lights out. I have an early class that goes long and mornings and me are not besties.
Hope everyone is staying warm. This winter is just dragging. XO

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Hey everyone,
I wanted to write within a month of the last one but, well, honestly it's the same shit. I'M TIRED of hearing it so it seemed ridiculous for me to put it out into the universe. But hey, here I am. Since I last wrote my skin has gotten worse. I'm blowing wafers left and right and they aren't cheap. I'm talking a box of 10 over a weekend and wafers are made to last upwards of a week. I've requested some new products and hoping they work better. Something is off this time where the right wafers are NOT working with my body this time. I know after so many weight fluctuations and surgeries, my abdominal landscape is very deformed. Nothing is flat. So my wafers aren't sealing properly. It blows. I have what feels like the worst sunburn you can imagine, then will adhesive and wax that bonds to the skin that you continually have to tear off sometimes multiple times a day. And it itches. I want to tear into it but I can't. I won't post a pic because it is just awful. It makes a person extremely assholey to be that uncomfortable all the time, 24/7. Yes, no typo. Assholey.
So because of the assholey feeling I'm stuck in, I didn't want to write. I want to hide. Well, I don't truly but I do because of this crap.
My classes started. I'm taking 2 on campus and one online. I feel overextended most days. I could sleep til noon everyday. I sleep like shit. I look like shit. I'm run down and listless. Walking up the stairs hurts. From the amount of output from my ostomy, and the consistency, food is blowing through me and I'm probably absorbing nothing. I've had labs and they all show electrolytes are god but I don't feel right. I don't feel healthy. Aside from skin issues, that's my main issue. If I had energy and slept well the skin issues wouldn't impact me the way they do. I'll take my Jpouch over this. That's saying something because if you've been reading, I was really having issues with my colitis. But they way I see it now, my body HATES ostomies. My skin hates them. My ostomy is like a turtle head. It recesses back into my body and with that, behind the wafer hence mucho leakage and mucho acid eating at my skin. So because I'm a jackass, if I'm going to have discomfort, I want my vanity. I want convenience. I want my JPouch. Yes. I said vanity. I have little for the most part which is evident in me voluntarily getting an ostomy. I will bet 99% off people would not take that route for vanity. But whatever. I did because sometimes I can be a bad ass bitch and I bit the bullet. Well, surgeon says it looks like I'm healing well internally. He'll knock me out and scope me in 2 months and figure out my reversal back to JPouch. Another week in the hospital. Another chance of ileus. Can't wait.
But I'll do it and hopefully PREVENTING the inflammation will prove to be a better option from trying to get rid of it. Because that didn't work. AT ALL. Hence my situation.
I'm thankful for my husband that puts up with all this nonsense from me. I love him. I'm lucky I have him in my life. I'm sure many days he wants to slap the bitchiness right out of me. Many days. MANY.
So patiently waiting for new supplies. I will update on if they work, and hopefully they will. We are going away in March and I'd like to travel somewhat comfortably and not have the trip ruined by blowing ostomy wafers. Springing a leak and having to change in an airplane bathroom sounds like the least fun thing to do on vacation. Nah, I can think of a few more but regardless no fun for Lisa.
Ok everyone, it's time to go lights out. I have an early class that goes long and mornings and me are not besties.
Hope everyone is staying warm. This winter is just dragging. XO

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Broken. Just broken. For now.

I guess my goal lately is to go at least a month in between posts. Not intentionally but it keeps happening. Pretty much health wise things are chugging along. Got another scope by a different doc to tell me the same thing as last time. Severe ulceration still. Some nasty fissures causing pain. Muscle spasms are back to piss me off. Couple that with the abdominal pain from my engorged fallopian tube and I'm just in pain daily. Basically nonstop. Discomfort in so many areas. There are days I'm not leaving the house unless necessary. My pain pills dull it and I'm content to be under my electric blanket and zoning out. Some days it takes everything out of me to go to class. Running errands wipes me out for the day. It's just so pathetic and ridiculous. I had to take Daughter #1 to the doctor and it struck me how much time in the last four years has been eaten up by my medical issues. I've put in some solid time. Time I could be traveling. Reading. Hell, vacuuming would be better. Ok, maybe not, but it's just such bullshit. I was driving along thinking what do I have to show for four years? Let's not reduce the importance of having my child, naturally, but really. Not much. A lot of laying on my ass with zero drive or with too much pain to accomplish anything. I got pissed. Just that angry, upset pissed and the tears just come.
I'm 36. My time has slipped through my fingers. So much of it without any joy in it. Just days of pain. Hospitals. Doctors. Driving to doctors. Filling scripts. Getting tests. I've fucking had it. There's nothing I can do either but keep going and keep thinking that there will be a point where I'm just real and whole and healthy and not broken anymore.
As shitty as it's all been, that is still MY intention. I don't look at myself as this sickly, forever disabled person who will be trapped with this crap forever. My reality speaks to the contrary but maybe I'm an idiot. I do feel broken many, many days. It makes me sad. It's this weird feeling of losing life. Your 30s are FAR from old. This is prime time baby, and I don't have the body to make it happen. That pisses me off more than I can describe. You know when you get so drunk on Friday night and you sleep all day Saturday and all of a sudden it's Sunday and you are pissed that you basically missed your whole weekend? Well, that's my life. Saturday night I went out for a friend's birthday. I laid around all day to conserve energy so I would actually make it out(Yes, if I had so much as gone out to eat, run to the store etc... there would have been a good chance it just would have used my reserves and I would have bailed). We met for food(I didn't eat. Just not worth the risk) and then went to a bar with a DJ and a band for 80s night. We all had crimped hair and looked crazy and it was fun. We get there and the music was just so great. Those of you who know my drinking/partying/out all night/dance all night days know I loved it and it was my favorite thing to do. We would go dance for hours! Well, seriously two songs in and I'm lightheaded. I've got pain shooting through my abdomen. I'm just trying, trying to smother it and be ME and have fun. But I can only fake it so much. There were a couple points I thought I may hit the floor either from pain or exhaustion. In the middle of all those people smiling and dancing and drinking and LIVING, I was HATING myself. I just felt so broken. Like who the hell am I kidding? I almost left in that moment but I couldn't. I wanted to make it as long as I could because me being there was so rare. I don't go out and I don't even mean drinking or whatever. I don't really have many friends here or go to dinner or happy hour or yoga class or book club or whatever else normal, social people do.
Not too many years ago I had things to do every night. I was either out doing things with Dillan or out doing things with friends. I was rarely home. I have NEVER been a sit at home person. I was actually surprised I got invited because I had only met everyone once prior to being invited out. It felt nice. I didn't want to be lame and let my defective body win. So I milked my Captain and coke and danced as much as I could and had a lot of fun. I'm glad I went. I miss that part of me but indulging in the old me just casts resentment on the bullshit I deal with now.
Three years after filing for SSDI and being denied three times, I finally won at my hearing in August. So in two years my case will get reviewed to see if my heath has changed. It's a weird feeling. It felt good to win after fighting so long and them being so stupid in denying that IBD can affect a person's life so much. On the flip side, I don't think of myself as being so useless. Even though it's reality. I tried to work part time and I was in so much pain and it was so hard. To be this young and have the smallest things drain you is so difficult. <sigh>  But I guess it's nice to be justified in this way. I expect in two years at the review I'm going to be perfect, and healthy and as figured out and normal as possible and pick up my life where I left off a few years back. I have vacations to take and shit to do, people. Big time. I'm less than a month out from another surgery. I've got issues separate from that that I don't see resolving before then. So this should be interesting to say the least. Nothing I can do but meet it head on but it doesn't mean I have to like it. Thanks for listening to my boo-hooing. I've had over 10, 000 hits on my blog now. That amazes me, so thank you! XO

I guess my goal lately is to go at least a month in between posts. Not intentionally but it keeps happening. Pretty much health wise things are chugging along. Got another scope by a different doc to tell me the same thing as last time. Severe ulceration still. Some nasty fissures causing pain. Muscle spasms are back to piss me off. Couple that with the abdominal pain from my engorged fallopian tube and I'm just in pain daily. Basically nonstop. Discomfort in so many areas. There are days I'm not leaving the house unless necessary. My pain pills dull it and I'm content to be under my electric blanket and zoning out. Some days it takes everything out of me to go to class. Running errands wipes me out for the day. It's just so pathetic and ridiculous. I had to take Daughter #1 to the doctor and it struck me how much time in the last four years has been eaten up by my medical issues. I've put in some solid time. Time I could be traveling. Reading. Hell, vacuuming would be better. Ok, maybe not, but it's just such bullshit. I was driving along thinking what do I have to show for four years? Let's not reduce the importance of having my child, naturally, but really. Not much. A lot of laying on my ass with zero drive or with too much pain to accomplish anything. I got pissed. Just that angry, upset pissed and the tears just come.
I'm 36. My time has slipped through my fingers. So much of it without any joy in it. Just days of pain. Hospitals. Doctors. Driving to doctors. Filling scripts. Getting tests. I've fucking had it. There's nothing I can do either but keep going and keep thinking that there will be a point where I'm just real and whole and healthy and not broken anymore.
As shitty as it's all been, that is still MY intention. I don't look at myself as this sickly, forever disabled person who will be trapped with this crap forever. My reality speaks to the contrary but maybe I'm an idiot. I do feel broken many, many days. It makes me sad. It's this weird feeling of losing life. Your 30s are FAR from old. This is prime time baby, and I don't have the body to make it happen. That pisses me off more than I can describe. You know when you get so drunk on Friday night and you sleep all day Saturday and all of a sudden it's Sunday and you are pissed that you basically missed your whole weekend? Well, that's my life. Saturday night I went out for a friend's birthday. I laid around all day to conserve energy so I would actually make it out(Yes, if I had so much as gone out to eat, run to the store etc... there would have been a good chance it just would have used my reserves and I would have bailed). We met for food(I didn't eat. Just not worth the risk) and then went to a bar with a DJ and a band for 80s night. We all had crimped hair and looked crazy and it was fun. We get there and the music was just so great. Those of you who know my drinking/partying/out all night/dance all night days know I loved it and it was my favorite thing to do. We would go dance for hours! Well, seriously two songs in and I'm lightheaded. I've got pain shooting through my abdomen. I'm just trying, trying to smother it and be ME and have fun. But I can only fake it so much. There were a couple points I thought I may hit the floor either from pain or exhaustion. In the middle of all those people smiling and dancing and drinking and LIVING, I was HATING myself. I just felt so broken. Like who the hell am I kidding? I almost left in that moment but I couldn't. I wanted to make it as long as I could because me being there was so rare. I don't go out and I don't even mean drinking or whatever. I don't really have many friends here or go to dinner or happy hour or yoga class or book club or whatever else normal, social people do.
Not too many years ago I had things to do every night. I was either out doing things with Dillan or out doing things with friends. I was rarely home. I have NEVER been a sit at home person. I was actually surprised I got invited because I had only met everyone once prior to being invited out. It felt nice. I didn't want to be lame and let my defective body win. So I milked my Captain and coke and danced as much as I could and had a lot of fun. I'm glad I went. I miss that part of me but indulging in the old me just casts resentment on the bullshit I deal with now.
Three years after filing for SSDI and being denied three times, I finally won at my hearing in August. So in two years my case will get reviewed to see if my heath has changed. It's a weird feeling. It felt good to win after fighting so long and them being so stupid in denying that IBD can affect a person's life so much. On the flip side, I don't think of myself as being so useless. Even though it's reality. I tried to work part time and I was in so much pain and it was so hard. To be this young and have the smallest things drain you is so difficult. <sigh>  But I guess it's nice to be justified in this way. I expect in two years at the review I'm going to be perfect, and healthy and as figured out and normal as possible and pick up my life where I left off a few years back. I have vacations to take and shit to do, people. Big time. I'm less than a month out from another surgery. I've got issues separate from that that I don't see resolving before then. So this should be interesting to say the least. Nothing I can do but meet it head on but it doesn't mean I have to like it. Thanks for listening to my boo-hooing. I've had over 10, 000 hits on my blog now. That amazes me, so thank you! XO

Long and winding road....

Hey there. It's been some time since I've written. To be honest I just didn't want to write the same old crap because nothing has been changing. Life is still going on while I am still in pain, on meds, struggling through my days and trying to participate in life when I generally want to stay in bed. I have felt numb the last few months. Fed up with my issues. Feeling inadequate and like a failure. Feeling depressed and like a burden to my family. My two year old knows to find me in bed a lot. She's already used to the reality of her sick mom.
 Aside from summer life ending(pretty uneventful), potty training with Daughter #2,  Daughter #1 starting swim and school again, it's just been the same bullshit with me. It's really brought out the NY bitch in me quite a bit. I'm definitely no southern belle.

 One big, outstanding thing is that I had my Social Security Disability hearing in August and I won! Yep. After being denied since 2010 and being told I'm not sick despite surgeries, daily meds that make me less than able to function and chronic issues, I finally got in front of a judge who very quickly put forth judgement in my favor. I cried. It was a big deal. I'll finally be able to get some income while I'm figuring out how to get myself back in working order. The added stress of not contributing to my household didn't help my already unstable self worth. I'm not built to be dependent financially on someone. I'm just not that girl. I like my money. I like financial confidence. So this will help.
I feel like the fight went on forever. Redundant paperwork and bureaucratic nonsense. So obnoxious.
I've been having horrible abdominal pain aside from my other issues with the cuffitis and pouchitis. I am going to see some specialist at Baylor in Dallas as the meds and steroids are not doing much. And I'm basically immune to antibiotics at this point. I couldn't begin to count how many rounds I've been on over the last 4 years. It's nuts. There has been talk of a temporary ileostomy again to let my pouch and cuffitis get a time out and heal. So that surgery is looming on the horizon.
I had a CT scan last month which showed a mass and according to my colorectal surgeon it is nothing gut related so referred me to my Gyno. I got an ultrasound with my Gyno and apparently my left fallopian tube is blown up like a sausage and needs to come out. Yippee-- more surgery! I know.. everyone is so surprised. I'm going to run out of organs. A fallopian tube is about the size around as a piece of uncooked spaghetti. Mine is blown up to almost 2cm. 3/4 of an inch. So since she was going in for one, she was just going to take both. Apparently there is a lot of info out now showing that ovarian cancer starts in the tubes anyway and since I've had a tubal there's no point finding out why this is happening so we are just eliminating the problem. We also discussed my autoimmune issues, my dysplasia history and the fact that many women with IBD also have related female issues as a result. If I end up having more GI surgery it will increase my chances of adhesions and could lead to more pelvic issues so in the end my Gyno and I decided to clean me out. Everything but the ovaries are going because I'm so pre menopausal and it would be silly to put me on Hormone Replacement while I'm dealing with all these other meds. So I'm getting opened up AGAIN. Is it weird it doesn't bother me? Doesn't even phase me in the slightest.
When my Gyno saw the ultrasound she just matter of fact said she had to go in and get the tube out. I shrugged and said, "I figured". That's how nonchalant surgery and hospitalization is now. It's not even rational but it's my life.
I've been saying for a while that I'm used to pain. Well, it's not that I'm used to it as it's just such a normal part of every single day. It's expected. I'm used to it's presence not the actual pain. That sucks no matter what.
Pain changes you. It really does break down your spirit. So much of being sick isn't in the physical as it's in the mental fight. The fight to maintain yourself despite hurting, giving up activities and just all in all having your life become almost unrecognizable. I am, at times, unrecognizable. My lack of energy and lack of involvement in things is not who I am. Well, not who I was. It's a struggle and a process to not let your head stay in the "old" you. It's a process to accept and adjust to who you have become. It's hard to come up with the right words to explain that but for a long time who I was in my head did not match what my body had become. I'm 35 years old and that depresses the shit out of me. I can't just take off running. Firstly, I have zero muscle strength from my daily fatigue and not using my body. I am chronically dehydrated from that whole no colon thing. Pushing myself through the pain is the easy part. You do what you have to but it's just different when your body CAN'T. I mentally prepare for the littlest things. Things most people take for granted. Getting in and out of the car hurts. My sleep sucks and I'm up for hours every night. Getting groceries will wipe me out until the next day. It's stupid. Just 100% stupid.
I have many days I just cry at the realization that life just carries on. It is not stopping until I am healthy again. I'll be 36 this week. I'm not kidding when I say I have lost the last few years of my life. Those years haven't been mine no matter how hard I battled to control it and live it. The last 4 years have belonged to my illness. Hey, I'm playing the hand I'm dealt because that's all I can do, but I don't have to like my shitty hand. I haven't lived. I've been going through the motions the best I can given the circumstances. It's very upsetting. What's more upsetting are the people who are healthy and go through life the same way. They have no limitations, nothing holding them back but themselves yet they are content to not fully embrace everything. I'd trade one day with them at this point because I'm just so fed up. I'm ready to become bionic and be done with it.
So that's my update from the last month and a half. Just more twists and turns and yet, it's all the same. I'm not sure how that can be but it is. I want more. I'm not satisfied with what's going on. I'm not satisfied with the turns my life has been taking. It is truly hard to fight for more, for extraordinary, when it takes everything you have to fight to be normal. To go to dinner, to do a load of laundry, to blow dry my damn hair. Touring Europe really isn't in the cards when a 45 minute car ride wipes me out.
As I'm getting older the famous "Bucket List" is getting longer but I'm feeling less confident any of it will happen. And not to be an asshole, but I deserve it. This shit has been long, and exhausting and excruciating and I deserve a fucking yacht vacation in Greece and unlimited wine in Italy. So help me.... my road keeps winding and if it's the last thing I do, I'm going to pave it EXACTLY where I WANT it to go.
Hope everyone is well. Thanks for reading.
Read, love, share.
XO

Hey there. It's been some time since I've written. To be honest I just didn't want to write the same old crap because nothing has been changing. Life is still going on while I am still in pain, on meds, struggling through my days and trying to participate in life when I generally want to stay in bed. I have felt numb the last few months. Fed up with my issues. Feeling inadequate and like a failure. Feeling depressed and like a burden to my family. My two year old knows to find me in bed a lot. She's already used to the reality of her sick mom.
 Aside from summer life ending(pretty uneventful), potty training with Daughter #2,  Daughter #1 starting swim and school again, it's just been the same bullshit with me. It's really brought out the NY bitch in me quite a bit. I'm definitely no southern belle.

 One big, outstanding thing is that I had my Social Security Disability hearing in August and I won! Yep. After being denied since 2010 and being told I'm not sick despite surgeries, daily meds that make me less than able to function and chronic issues, I finally got in front of a judge who very quickly put forth judgement in my favor. I cried. It was a big deal. I'll finally be able to get some income while I'm figuring out how to get myself back in working order. The added stress of not contributing to my household didn't help my already unstable self worth. I'm not built to be dependent financially on someone. I'm just not that girl. I like my money. I like financial confidence. So this will help.
I feel like the fight went on forever. Redundant paperwork and bureaucratic nonsense. So obnoxious.
I've been having horrible abdominal pain aside from my other issues with the cuffitis and pouchitis. I am going to see some specialist at Baylor in Dallas as the meds and steroids are not doing much. And I'm basically immune to antibiotics at this point. I couldn't begin to count how many rounds I've been on over the last 4 years. It's nuts. There has been talk of a temporary ileostomy again to let my pouch and cuffitis get a time out and heal. So that surgery is looming on the horizon.
I had a CT scan last month which showed a mass and according to my colorectal surgeon it is nothing gut related so referred me to my Gyno. I got an ultrasound with my Gyno and apparently my left fallopian tube is blown up like a sausage and needs to come out. Yippee-- more surgery! I know.. everyone is so surprised. I'm going to run out of organs. A fallopian tube is about the size around as a piece of uncooked spaghetti. Mine is blown up to almost 2cm. 3/4 of an inch. So since she was going in for one, she was just going to take both. Apparently there is a lot of info out now showing that ovarian cancer starts in the tubes anyway and since I've had a tubal there's no point finding out why this is happening so we are just eliminating the problem. We also discussed my autoimmune issues, my dysplasia history and the fact that many women with IBD also have related female issues as a result. If I end up having more GI surgery it will increase my chances of adhesions and could lead to more pelvic issues so in the end my Gyno and I decided to clean me out. Everything but the ovaries are going because I'm so pre menopausal and it would be silly to put me on Hormone Replacement while I'm dealing with all these other meds. So I'm getting opened up AGAIN. Is it weird it doesn't bother me? Doesn't even phase me in the slightest.
When my Gyno saw the ultrasound she just matter of fact said she had to go in and get the tube out. I shrugged and said, "I figured". That's how nonchalant surgery and hospitalization is now. It's not even rational but it's my life.
I've been saying for a while that I'm used to pain. Well, it's not that I'm used to it as it's just such a normal part of every single day. It's expected. I'm used to it's presence not the actual pain. That sucks no matter what.
Pain changes you. It really does break down your spirit. So much of being sick isn't in the physical as it's in the mental fight. The fight to maintain yourself despite hurting, giving up activities and just all in all having your life become almost unrecognizable. I am, at times, unrecognizable. My lack of energy and lack of involvement in things is not who I am. Well, not who I was. It's a struggle and a process to not let your head stay in the "old" you. It's a process to accept and adjust to who you have become. It's hard to come up with the right words to explain that but for a long time who I was in my head did not match what my body had become. I'm 35 years old and that depresses the shit out of me. I can't just take off running. Firstly, I have zero muscle strength from my daily fatigue and not using my body. I am chronically dehydrated from that whole no colon thing. Pushing myself through the pain is the easy part. You do what you have to but it's just different when your body CAN'T. I mentally prepare for the littlest things. Things most people take for granted. Getting in and out of the car hurts. My sleep sucks and I'm up for hours every night. Getting groceries will wipe me out until the next day. It's stupid. Just 100% stupid.
I have many days I just cry at the realization that life just carries on. It is not stopping until I am healthy again. I'll be 36 this week. I'm not kidding when I say I have lost the last few years of my life. Those years haven't been mine no matter how hard I battled to control it and live it. The last 4 years have belonged to my illness. Hey, I'm playing the hand I'm dealt because that's all I can do, but I don't have to like my shitty hand. I haven't lived. I've been going through the motions the best I can given the circumstances. It's very upsetting. What's more upsetting are the people who are healthy and go through life the same way. They have no limitations, nothing holding them back but themselves yet they are content to not fully embrace everything. I'd trade one day with them at this point because I'm just so fed up. I'm ready to become bionic and be done with it.
So that's my update from the last month and a half. Just more twists and turns and yet, it's all the same. I'm not sure how that can be but it is. I want more. I'm not satisfied with what's going on. I'm not satisfied with the turns my life has been taking. It is truly hard to fight for more, for extraordinary, when it takes everything you have to fight to be normal. To go to dinner, to do a load of laundry, to blow dry my damn hair. Touring Europe really isn't in the cards when a 45 minute car ride wipes me out.
As I'm getting older the famous "Bucket List" is getting longer but I'm feeling less confident any of it will happen. And not to be an asshole, but I deserve it. This shit has been long, and exhausting and excruciating and I deserve a fucking yacht vacation in Greece and unlimited wine in Italy. So help me.... my road keeps winding and if it's the last thing I do, I'm going to pave it EXACTLY where I WANT it to go.
Hope everyone is well. Thanks for reading.
Read, love, share.
XO

happy colonlessiversary...or something.

One year. About the same exact time I sit here typing I was waking up from anesthesia. It seems nearly dreamlike, but I can say it was the most intense pain I have ever experienced. There are no words to explain it. Naturally they wake you up, you feel pain and then they get you going with the good meds. But in the time they moved me from a gurney to my bed, I thought I was dying. Hubs said I made animal sounds. Just primal, hurting sounds. I remember them telling me to roll and shift so they could move me. I remember just crying and saying I couldn't. I had just been cut open from above my belly button to my pelvic bone. My guts were separated from the surrounding organs and tissue. He pulled out my small intestines and looked them over for signs of Crohn's. He then put all of that back in and proceeded to remove all five feet of my large intestines and almost all of my rectum. Just enough was left to attach my J Pouch later. The loose end of my small bowel was formed into a reservoir shaped like a "J" and that was attached to what was left of my rectum. A portion of my small intestines much closer to the stomach was then disconnected from the rest and rerouted out through my abdomen at a stoma site so nothing would pass to the J Pouch while it healed. I was then stapled shut. All that shit hurts. The incision hurt. The stoma site hurt. The internal pain hurt. I felt like I got run over. Getting gutted is no joke. I just looked through my post op pics. I remember thinking my scar was so intense. In one year I almost forget it's there. But I don't hide it.

From being stapled shut after surgery---->

40 staples

Early scar, about 2 weeks post op after staples came out --->

FrankenBelly

Two days ago on World IBD Day.

I remember wondering if it was going to look like train tracks forever.
One year ago was the end of one long battle that changed me, crushed a lot of my spirit, messed with my self esteem, altered my body image, made me fear food, and made me doubt what I can do. It has been a very different type of battle this year, especially my time with an ostomy. There were nights I struggled and cried and said I couldn't do it. Hubs would say, "Well, it's too late. You have to. They can't put your colon back in now". My post surgical pain only ever came close to my UC flare pain the first few days post op. By the time I was home my flare pain put my recovery to shame.'
I still struggle. I will never be normal. Some days are worse than others. Some days are so great I forget I'm missing a major organ. Other days I swear I don't know how I can live this way. In terms of having colitis, no I technically don't have it anymore since Ulcerative colitis is only in the colon. But I struggle. My life is impacted everyday by this change in my anatomy. There are some foods I'll never eat again. There are other foods I just can't say no to and I pay for it for almost two days. I may have issues forever. They will never compare to a flare but regardless, they are there. My scar tissue pain has finally started subsiding. My fear that I have Crohn's and not UC is slowly fading as time goes on. I still have symptoms I am dealing with daily that keep me on alert. I can dehydrate very quickly and some days I get lightheaded fast because of it. I spent my first day out in the heat the other day and it didn't go so well. It hit me fast. Summers will be a continuous effort to stay hydrated and keep myself from blacking out. My absorption probably isn't the best and when my levels drop I feel it pretty quickly. I don't want to say I may have limitations forever. I hope not. I hate that thought and I hate when my body holds me back and betrays me. I don't want to be afraid to go for a bike ride. Or wonder if my spasms will shackle me for the day, or keep me up all night. I can only take it and it comes and play the hand I'm dealt. Being back at work part time has already been impacted by it. I hate that. I don't like feeling like maybe I can't hold up my end because my stupid body has other plans. It's hard. It hurts. It frustrates me and creates a lot of self doubt. Hoping that will lessen as time goes by.
 Anyway- Happy one year to me being colonless and getting to tell my story. Thanks everyone for being supportive and reading and sharing. Love to all.
XO from one gutsy broad. =-)

One year. About the same exact time I sit here typing I was waking up from anesthesia. It seems nearly dreamlike, but I can say it was the most intense pain I have ever experienced. There are no words to explain it. Naturally they wake you up, you feel pain and then they get you going with the good meds. But in the time they moved me from a gurney to my bed, I thought I was dying. Hubs said I made animal sounds. Just primal, hurting sounds. I remember them telling me to roll and shift so they could move me. I remember just crying and saying I couldn't. I had just been cut open from above my belly button to my pelvic bone. My guts were separated from the surrounding organs and tissue. He pulled out my small intestines and looked them over for signs of Crohn's. He then put all of that back in and proceeded to remove all five feet of my large intestines and almost all of my rectum. Just enough was left to attach my J Pouch later. The loose end of my small bowel was formed into a reservoir shaped like a "J" and that was attached to what was left of my rectum. A portion of my small intestines much closer to the stomach was then disconnected from the rest and rerouted out through my abdomen at a stoma site so nothing would pass to the J Pouch while it healed. I was then stapled shut. All that shit hurts. The incision hurt. The stoma site hurt. The internal pain hurt. I felt like I got run over. Getting gutted is no joke. I just looked through my post op pics. I remember thinking my scar was so intense. In one year I almost forget it's there. But I don't hide it.

From being stapled shut after surgery---->

40 staples

Early scar, about 2 weeks post op after staples came out --->

FrankenBelly

Two days ago on World IBD Day.

I remember wondering if it was going to look like train tracks forever.
One year ago was the end of one long battle that changed me, crushed a lot of my spirit, messed with my self esteem, altered my body image, made me fear food, and made me doubt what I can do. It has been a very different type of battle this year, especially my time with an ostomy. There were nights I struggled and cried and said I couldn't do it. Hubs would say, "Well, it's too late. You have to. They can't put your colon back in now". My post surgical pain only ever came close to my UC flare pain the first few days post op. By the time I was home my flare pain put my recovery to shame.'
I still struggle. I will never be normal. Some days are worse than others. Some days are so great I forget I'm missing a major organ. Other days I swear I don't know how I can live this way. In terms of having colitis, no I technically don't have it anymore since Ulcerative colitis is only in the colon. But I struggle. My life is impacted everyday by this change in my anatomy. There are some foods I'll never eat again. There are other foods I just can't say no to and I pay for it for almost two days. I may have issues forever. They will never compare to a flare but regardless, they are there. My scar tissue pain has finally started subsiding. My fear that I have Crohn's and not UC is slowly fading as time goes on. I still have symptoms I am dealing with daily that keep me on alert. I can dehydrate very quickly and some days I get lightheaded fast because of it. I spent my first day out in the heat the other day and it didn't go so well. It hit me fast. Summers will be a continuous effort to stay hydrated and keep myself from blacking out. My absorption probably isn't the best and when my levels drop I feel it pretty quickly. I don't want to say I may have limitations forever. I hope not. I hate that thought and I hate when my body holds me back and betrays me. I don't want to be afraid to go for a bike ride. Or wonder if my spasms will shackle me for the day, or keep me up all night. I can only take it and it comes and play the hand I'm dealt. Being back at work part time has already been impacted by it. I hate that. I don't like feeling like maybe I can't hold up my end because my stupid body has other plans. It's hard. It hurts. It frustrates me and creates a lot of self doubt. Hoping that will lessen as time goes by.
 Anyway- Happy one year to me being colonless and getting to tell my story. Thanks everyone for being supportive and reading and sharing. Love to all.
XO from one gutsy broad. =-)

WEGO writing challenge day#23- hasta luego, social media.

Today's prompt--
Write about how your life would change if there was no social media.

Well, firstly I would no longer be able to play word games with high school friends who live across the country that I haven't seen in 18 years. That would lead to me having a lot more free time. Although, they say word games, crosswords etc... keep the mind active, and young and can prevent dementia in later years. So, I like to think of the time I put in to Words with Friends and Scramble with Friends as preventative measures against mental health decline. I am trying not to lose my marbles.  Candy Crush is it's own thing and I refuse to contemplate what it does to my brain. 
Without social media I would not have such an awesome network of IBDers that I know understand my deal. I'd be missing out on connections with old friends that I lost contact with. I may not be married to my husband.  
I love my blog outlet. I love writing it, even though I do tend to slack from time to time. If there was no blogging or tweeting I'd be missing out on other people's stories and may be feeling much more isolated with everything I have gone through. 
I like connecting with people who I would never know, and yet there they are, like friends I've always had. For as much bullshit that is on the internet there are so many more positives. Effortless connections are wonderful. 

Today's prompt--
Write about how your life would change if there was no social media.

Well, firstly I would no longer be able to play word games with high school friends who live across the country that I haven't seen in 18 years. That would lead to me having a lot more free time. Although, they say word games, crosswords etc... keep the mind active, and young and can prevent dementia in later years. So, I like to think of the time I put in to Words with Friends and Scramble with Friends as preventative measures against mental health decline. I am trying not to lose my marbles.  Candy Crush is it's own thing and I refuse to contemplate what it does to my brain. 
Without social media I would not have such an awesome network of IBDers that I know understand my deal. I'd be missing out on connections with old friends that I lost contact with. I may not be married to my husband.  
I love my blog outlet. I love writing it, even though I do tend to slack from time to time. If there was no blogging or tweeting I'd be missing out on other people's stories and may be feeling much more isolated with everything I have gone through. 
I like connecting with people who I would never know, and yet there they are, like friends I've always had. For as much bullshit that is on the internet there are so many more positives. Effortless connections are wonderful. 

WEGO challenge Day #11 -- social media, what, who, when, wow!

Today's prompt. 

Write about your favorite social network. Do you love Twitter? Facebook? Pinterest? Why?

I love the internet. I can not imagine what life would have been like in High School or college(the first time) with the 24/7 connection to the world. 

Those who know me, know I love them all. Facebook can be oh so annoying, but the positives of what I have gotten from it, make me hang in there. I have reconnected with people who I lost touch with. I get to see where their lives have gone, see their beautiful kids, faces that bring back great memories, and it's effortless to connect and share pics and info with many people at once. Plus, I have a built in IBD network of so many wonderful people that I have never met, and may never meet, who get it and understand and have been in my shoes and me in their's. My facebook IBD groups made me feel less scared and isolated and singular. It allowed me to own my struggle with IBD. It's brilliant!

I also love Twitter. I love getting all my news headlines, traffic issues, funny tidbits, my IBD community exchanges blurbs about their shitty days or their successes. I love the simplicity of the retweet. I love seeing the randomness that celebrities come up with on their accounts. 

On my old macbook. I'm sure my smartphone was with me too.

I'm much newer to Pinterest but I do enjoy it. It is unreal the ideas and recipes and home decor and outfits and picture scenarios can be in one place. It really seems endless and could take up an entire day. I like that everything is on it's own little boards and it becomes it's own little way of passing ideas and stories. 

I use all three to share my blog and share my journey and pass along details and stories of people that I admire or connect with and feel others should read about. 

I love it. I love that you can find out virtually anything in a matter of seconds. I love video chatting and think there should be more of that. I remember dial up with a phone cord stretched into the spare room of my parents house. I remember when AOL disks came in the mail every other day. Amazing how much has changed. I still write thank you cards though. You know, the ones you put a stamp on and mail?! =)

Today's prompt. 

Write about your favorite social network. Do you love Twitter? Facebook? Pinterest? Why?

I love the internet. I can not imagine what life would have been like in High School or college(the first time) with the 24/7 connection to the world. 

Those who know me, know I love them all. Facebook can be oh so annoying, but the positives of what I have gotten from it, make me hang in there. I have reconnected with people who I lost touch with. I get to see where their lives have gone, see their beautiful kids, faces that bring back great memories, and it's effortless to connect and share pics and info with many people at once. Plus, I have a built in IBD network of so many wonderful people that I have never met, and may never meet, who get it and understand and have been in my shoes and me in their's. My facebook IBD groups made me feel less scared and isolated and singular. It allowed me to own my struggle with IBD. It's brilliant!

I also love Twitter. I love getting all my news headlines, traffic issues, funny tidbits, my IBD community exchanges blurbs about their shitty days or their successes. I love the simplicity of the retweet. I love seeing the randomness that celebrities come up with on their accounts. 

On my old macbook. I'm sure my smartphone was with me too.

I'm much newer to Pinterest but I do enjoy it. It is unreal the ideas and recipes and home decor and outfits and picture scenarios can be in one place. It really seems endless and could take up an entire day. I like that everything is on it's own little boards and it becomes it's own little way of passing ideas and stories. 

I use all three to share my blog and share my journey and pass along details and stories of people that I admire or connect with and feel others should read about. 

I love it. I love that you can find out virtually anything in a matter of seconds. I love video chatting and think there should be more of that. I remember dial up with a phone cord stretched into the spare room of my parents house. I remember when AOL disks came in the mail every other day. Amazing how much has changed. I still write thank you cards though. You know, the ones you put a stamp on and mail?! =)

WEGO Health writer's challenge Day #8--- Tigress

Here is WEGO's prompt for Day #8--->
If your health condition (or the health condition of a loved one!) was an animal, what would it be? Is it a real animal or make believe?  

This one is a tough one. The days that are symptom free are few and far between. Almost nonexistent. 
For the most part, having UC has sucked big time. I'm going to have to say my UC was/is a Tiger. 

Meow- good kitty.

Sometimes Tigers just lay around all lazy soaking up some sun, doing a whole lot of nothing. And then out of no where it can attack quickly reaching up to 40mph to catch it's prey which it proceeds to strangle by locking it's jaws around it until it dies. I definitely felt UC strangling the life out of me. Out of nowhere. One minute I was just chilling, having some water and -BAM- Tiger ambush is complete. Then it proceeded to tear me apart. Being sick was always two extremes for me. The half asleep lazy sunbather and the wild attacking killer. No in between. Even now with my JPouch I have days it feels like I was never sick and then the next day I can feel horrible and there aren't enough muscle relaxers in the world that can help me. 

Here is WEGO's prompt for Day #8--->
If your health condition (or the health condition of a loved one!) was an animal, what would it be? Is it a real animal or make believe?  

This one is a tough one. The days that are symptom free are few and far between. Almost nonexistent. 
For the most part, having UC has sucked big time. I'm going to have to say my UC was/is a Tiger. 

Meow- good kitty.

Sometimes Tigers just lay around all lazy soaking up some sun, doing a whole lot of nothing. And then out of no where it can attack quickly reaching up to 40mph to catch it's prey which it proceeds to strangle by locking it's jaws around it until it dies. I definitely felt UC strangling the life out of me. Out of nowhere. One minute I was just chilling, having some water and -BAM- Tiger ambush is complete. Then it proceeded to tear me apart. Being sick was always two extremes for me. The half asleep lazy sunbather and the wild attacking killer. No in between. Even now with my JPouch I have days it feels like I was never sick and then the next day I can feel horrible and there aren't enough muscle relaxers in the world that can help me. 

Day #7 WEGO writer's challenge-- People have no filter.

So I was a bit negligent this weekend and missed a few days and here I am picking up on day #7.
Here are the challenge details---

HAWMC Day 7 – Sensationalize!

Say WHAT!? What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve heard about health or your condition? Where did you hear it and what did you think?

Do I really have to pick ONE ridiculous thing??? There's no way so I will just go ahead and throw a few out there. Note, my comments following would be written in a sarcasm font if available. 

* "Try eating more vegetables. If you eat healthier you'll have less digestive issues." Oh yes Obiwan. I should eat more fiber and ruffage and increase the activity in my ulcerated, bleeding and inflamed colon. Spot on!!! Why didn't my two GIs think of that? Hell, it could have been that easy!? It makes COMPLETE sense that my diseased guts would heal by sending rougher material through it. I feel like such a fool. :-/

* "Oh my god, THAT sucks. I would HATE to be that sick." Oh no, I freaking love it. Nothing like a week in the hospital for a good time. 

* "Try changing your diet." Yep. To what? Let me know what foods magically cure my immune system attacking my colon. 

* "You don't look sick."  This one is a classic among the IBD community. What does sick look like? Have you actually seen my colonoscopy pics? No? Well here, I'll show you what sick looks like from the inside. 

* "It's autoimmune? So you mean, like AIDS?"  That is a syndrome that develops from HIV. Nothing else is affiliated with your immune system besides AIDS. You guessed it. 

* "I wish I could not work and lay in bed all day." Oh do you? You wish you could have excruciating intestinal cramping where you can't stand up? You wish you had the arthritis that comes and goes where my knees feel like someone is stabbing them with a knife and my fingers hurt so bad I can't make a fist? Oh, you wish you were so anemic and malnourished that you can't stand up without blacking out and can't raise your arms over your head to wash your own hair? Really? You do? Hmmmm..that's an odd thing to wish for.

Those are just a few. People are ignorant and thoughtless. Do people really think that if something would work, we wouldn't TRY IT!!! If yoga could cure me, don't you think I'd be at a yoga studio 2 times a day, 7 days a week?? So frustrating. Even more reason to talk and tell my story and attempt to make people more familiar with IBD. 

I went out to a golf facility called Top Golf today. I used to golf a lot before I got sick. Afterward it was too painful to continuously twist and swing a club. It felt so great to do it and I felt so normal!!! Longest drive was only 103 but I'll take it!

Here's me! =)

Hope everyone had a great weekend!! Xo

So I was a bit negligent this weekend and missed a few days and here I am picking up on day #7.
Here are the challenge details---

HAWMC Day 7 – Sensationalize!

Say WHAT!? What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve heard about health or your condition? Where did you hear it and what did you think?

Do I really have to pick ONE ridiculous thing??? There's no way so I will just go ahead and throw a few out there. Note, my comments following would be written in a sarcasm font if available. 

* "Try eating more vegetables. If you eat healthier you'll have less digestive issues." Oh yes Obiwan. I should eat more fiber and ruffage and increase the activity in my ulcerated, bleeding and inflamed colon. Spot on!!! Why didn't my two GIs think of that? Hell, it could have been that easy!? It makes COMPLETE sense that my diseased guts would heal by sending rougher material through it. I feel like such a fool. :-/

* "Oh my god, THAT sucks. I would HATE to be that sick." Oh no, I freaking love it. Nothing like a week in the hospital for a good time. 

* "Try changing your diet." Yep. To what? Let me know what foods magically cure my immune system attacking my colon. 

* "You don't look sick."  This one is a classic among the IBD community. What does sick look like? Have you actually seen my colonoscopy pics? No? Well here, I'll show you what sick looks like from the inside. 

* "It's autoimmune? So you mean, like AIDS?"  That is a syndrome that develops from HIV. Nothing else is affiliated with your immune system besides AIDS. You guessed it. 

* "I wish I could not work and lay in bed all day." Oh do you? You wish you could have excruciating intestinal cramping where you can't stand up? You wish you had the arthritis that comes and goes where my knees feel like someone is stabbing them with a knife and my fingers hurt so bad I can't make a fist? Oh, you wish you were so anemic and malnourished that you can't stand up without blacking out and can't raise your arms over your head to wash your own hair? Really? You do? Hmmmm..that's an odd thing to wish for.

Those are just a few. People are ignorant and thoughtless. Do people really think that if something would work, we wouldn't TRY IT!!! If yoga could cure me, don't you think I'd be at a yoga studio 2 times a day, 7 days a week?? So frustrating. Even more reason to talk and tell my story and attempt to make people more familiar with IBD. 

I went out to a golf facility called Top Golf today. I used to golf a lot before I got sick. Afterward it was too painful to continuously twist and swing a club. It felt so great to do it and I felt so normal!!! Longest drive was only 103 but I'll take it!

Here's me! =)

Hope everyone had a great weekend!! Xo

My lips are Sealed. Day#3

Ciao!! Today's writing challenge is anything but. Here it is from WEGO.

---->>> It's Day 3 everyone, and it's our first "Wordless Wednesday"!

Post a picture that symbolizes your condition and your experiences.

I can not pick one picture to symbolize what my struggle has been as there have been many different ups and downs and phases. So I picked three that I felt had good visual impact for the varying degrees of status! Enjoy...

Smiling through excruciating pain. That was all I could do to cope with it all. 

Embracing my ostomy. I didn't slow my life down after my colectomy. Instead, it was very much the opposite.

Miss Semi-colon. Doing things confidently I haven't been able to do in years. Things 'normal' people take for granted. A 15 minute car ride for instance. That can be scary when you have no control over your malfunctioning and diseased colon. 

Ciao!! Today's writing challenge is anything but. Here it is from WEGO.

---->>> It's Day 3 everyone, and it's our first "Wordless Wednesday"!

Post a picture that symbolizes your condition and your experiences.

I can not pick one picture to symbolize what my struggle has been as there have been many different ups and downs and phases. So I picked three that I felt had good visual impact for the varying degrees of status! Enjoy...

Smiling through excruciating pain. That was all I could do to cope with it all. 

Embracing my ostomy. I didn't slow my life down after my colectomy. Instead, it was very much the opposite.

Miss Semi-colon. Doing things confidently I haven't been able to do in years. Things 'normal' people take for granted. A 15 minute car ride for instance. That can be scary when you have no control over your malfunctioning and diseased colon. 

Spring Break of Yuck

PHEW!! Here I am.. so completely late with a post but after I got back from our Spring Break trip to Florida, school went into overdrive and I had no time at all. School has been a killer. Rethinking my options and coming up with a Plan B. I am just not intuitively a "science person". I am struggling. Big time. What I want to do and what I'm cut out to do don't seem to be meshing very well. It is such a vigorous and competitive program, it's unreal. Lots of frustration. It's making me crazy!
I had load of work due right before break that was just overwhelming. I was so happy to have class end that Thursday and was looking forward to flying to Florida for a few days and have no stress, no agenda. Sounds perfect, right? Too good to be true? Well, duh. Naturally!!
Me with the girls on the plane----->

We got into Daytona Beach on Friday and had a great weekend. It was a bit colder than I like but we got to the beach and everything was going great. I rocked a bikini with my scars and my near death skin tone. Exhibit A--->

Then Monday hit. The 19 month old was exploding out of both ends. No fever. Super clingy and barfing so I was in luck and she was puking all over me. After being covered in crap and poop for about 24 hours, I basically was just waiting for me to get it. How could I avoid a virus that I was essentially covered in? I hoped it would pass quickly for Daughter #2 and skip me so we could have the last day or so of a nice vacay. Hahahahahahahaah, YEAH RIGHT!!! I got it. Bad. D #2's had stopped by Tuesday morning for the most part. I was still feeling A-OK Tuesday evening. Then 1am hit and the queasiness started. Awesome. I laid there just hoping it would pass. Maybe I ate too much. Anything. Nope. By 2am I was a wreck. Violently throwing up and running for the john. Sometimes simultaneously. I know. Isn't that a great visual. You're welcome. =)
By 7am I found out my mom had it too. By 730am I was seeing spots and could barely stand up. Let's keep in mind I have no colon, which is your water, salt and electrolyte absorber. So I'm already prone to dehydration on a good day. The Norovirus explosions were killing me. If I took one sip of Gatorade, I would throw it right up. It wasn't looking good. After years of being malnourished, dehydrated and anemic, I know when I need medical attention and when I'm within seconds of blacking out. It's not even a scary feeling anymore. Being a chronically ill person makes you weird. But I digress. Let's keep in mind that I was supposed to fly out at 230p. Doubtful. So a plan was made for me to get IV fluids and my Hubs back in TX was calling Delta to find out how to change my flight due to medical reasons. I was so out of it I couldn't form a comprehensive thought. HORRIBLE. Luckily my mom works for a primary care doctor who does IVs at the office so they awesomely fit me in during their lunch hour to top off my fluids. My BP was 84/62 and resting HR 119. None of which is a good thing combined. So yeah- and naturally my crap ass veins coupled with the dehydration made it so it took 5 sticks and an hour to even get the IV in. I was hurting. Those of you with good veins should feel lucky. Having someone dig around in a vein to get it hurts like a BITCH. Not to mention the sweet junkie bruises that get left behind. I had some tears of frustration, not going to lie. I get so pissed off at times like that. The simplest thing like getting an IV threaded turns into a hour long nightmare.
I was having horrible cramps and spasms which led my brain into a spiral of fear because it felt like I was flaring again. Freaked me out. I was really upset. Laying there that day does nothing but solidify the fact that I'll never be "NORMAL". I will always be fighting and battling something because my body is down one major organ. My anatomy is forever altered which brings on it's own set of bullshit problems.  Anyone looking at me would never guess my internal issues. I'm sure people rolled their eyes that I needed fluids that easily. Whatever. I'm over what people think. That 24 hour Norovirus knocked me down for easily a week. Even going on two weeks later, my spasms are continuing worse than before and I am hurting. I've upped my muscle relaxers and got more pain pills from my surgeon who I happened to see the day after I got back. All from that stupid virus. I joked that I didn't even puke that much on Spring Break in college. Seriously. Nasty business. If you don't know much about it, I'm including a link my Hubs found. It's a very smart virus. Too smart. My oldest daughter never got sick, but Hubs did a few days after I got home. Misery.
Here's the link--->>>>   http://phenomena.nationalgeographic.com/2013/01/02/the-norovirus-a-study-in-puked-perfection/
It's a very interesting read and scary all at once. These tiny little bastards could wipe us out if they wanted to.

Here are some pics from the trip before everyone started hurling. Enjoy and thanks for reading! XO

PHEW!! Here I am.. so completely late with a post but after I got back from our Spring Break trip to Florida, school went into overdrive and I had no time at all. School has been a killer. Rethinking my options and coming up with a Plan B. I am just not intuitively a "science person". I am struggling. Big time. What I want to do and what I'm cut out to do don't seem to be meshing very well. It is such a vigorous and competitive program, it's unreal. Lots of frustration. It's making me crazy!
I had load of work due right before break that was just overwhelming. I was so happy to have class end that Thursday and was looking forward to flying to Florida for a few days and have no stress, no agenda. Sounds perfect, right? Too good to be true? Well, duh. Naturally!!
Me with the girls on the plane----->

We got into Daytona Beach on Friday and had a great weekend. It was a bit colder than I like but we got to the beach and everything was going great. I rocked a bikini with my scars and my near death skin tone. Exhibit A--->

Then Monday hit. The 19 month old was exploding out of both ends. No fever. Super clingy and barfing so I was in luck and she was puking all over me. After being covered in crap and poop for about 24 hours, I basically was just waiting for me to get it. How could I avoid a virus that I was essentially covered in? I hoped it would pass quickly for Daughter #2 and skip me so we could have the last day or so of a nice vacay. Hahahahahahahaah, YEAH RIGHT!!! I got it. Bad. D #2's had stopped by Tuesday morning for the most part. I was still feeling A-OK Tuesday evening. Then 1am hit and the queasiness started. Awesome. I laid there just hoping it would pass. Maybe I ate too much. Anything. Nope. By 2am I was a wreck. Violently throwing up and running for the john. Sometimes simultaneously. I know. Isn't that a great visual. You're welcome. =)
By 7am I found out my mom had it too. By 730am I was seeing spots and could barely stand up. Let's keep in mind I have no colon, which is your water, salt and electrolyte absorber. So I'm already prone to dehydration on a good day. The Norovirus explosions were killing me. If I took one sip of Gatorade, I would throw it right up. It wasn't looking good. After years of being malnourished, dehydrated and anemic, I know when I need medical attention and when I'm within seconds of blacking out. It's not even a scary feeling anymore. Being a chronically ill person makes you weird. But I digress. Let's keep in mind that I was supposed to fly out at 230p. Doubtful. So a plan was made for me to get IV fluids and my Hubs back in TX was calling Delta to find out how to change my flight due to medical reasons. I was so out of it I couldn't form a comprehensive thought. HORRIBLE. Luckily my mom works for a primary care doctor who does IVs at the office so they awesomely fit me in during their lunch hour to top off my fluids. My BP was 84/62 and resting HR 119. None of which is a good thing combined. So yeah- and naturally my crap ass veins coupled with the dehydration made it so it took 5 sticks and an hour to even get the IV in. I was hurting. Those of you with good veins should feel lucky. Having someone dig around in a vein to get it hurts like a BITCH. Not to mention the sweet junkie bruises that get left behind. I had some tears of frustration, not going to lie. I get so pissed off at times like that. The simplest thing like getting an IV threaded turns into a hour long nightmare.
I was having horrible cramps and spasms which led my brain into a spiral of fear because it felt like I was flaring again. Freaked me out. I was really upset. Laying there that day does nothing but solidify the fact that I'll never be "NORMAL". I will always be fighting and battling something because my body is down one major organ. My anatomy is forever altered which brings on it's own set of bullshit problems.  Anyone looking at me would never guess my internal issues. I'm sure people rolled their eyes that I needed fluids that easily. Whatever. I'm over what people think. That 24 hour Norovirus knocked me down for easily a week. Even going on two weeks later, my spasms are continuing worse than before and I am hurting. I've upped my muscle relaxers and got more pain pills from my surgeon who I happened to see the day after I got back. All from that stupid virus. I joked that I didn't even puke that much on Spring Break in college. Seriously. Nasty business. If you don't know much about it, I'm including a link my Hubs found. It's a very smart virus. Too smart. My oldest daughter never got sick, but Hubs did a few days after I got home. Misery.
Here's the link--->>>>   http://phenomena.nationalgeographic.com/2013/01/02/the-norovirus-a-study-in-puked-perfection/
It's a very interesting read and scary all at once. These tiny little bastards could wipe us out if they wanted to.

Here are some pics from the trip before everyone started hurling. Enjoy and thanks for reading! XO

Nonstop, little sleep, lots of meds, repeat.

It has been some time!!! Sorry it's been so long... Following my last blog post I was miserable and dealing with some JPouch issues and was in the worst mood for a few days and then life got in the way. I saw my surgeon last week and was basically a wreck. I wasn't sleeping because my skin was so raw and was weeping. NOTHING I did was working. The pain and the spasms kept me up or woke me up multiple times per night. I had lost a very small amount of blood a few times, and after everything I've been through, one drop and I am in an internal panic. I was near a breaking point from exhaustion. My surgeon comes in the room and I just started crying. He didn't know what to do. I launched into my tirade about my misery and exhaustion and just kept crying. He looks at me after I stopped for a second, and says, "Lisa, I don't know how to handle this with you. You are one of the strongest people I have ever treated, with one of the worst cases of UC, and you always have humor and a joke. I can't handle this side of you. I'm going to fix it". Well, naturally that made me cry harder and then lucky me....... I got to have an internal exam. It was my lucky day. Whoop whoop. Once again I will reiterate, I have no shame, dignity or modesty left... LONG GONE!!
So, he prescribes me Valium, more Flexeril(yeah, who knew digestive diseases would get you the good stuff), lidocaine gel(use your imagination) and a topical cream. I'm seriously a walking pharmacy. Want to know how often I fill prescriptions? They don't even glance at my license for a controlled substance anymore because THEY KNOW ME. Crazy. But I digress....
I felt better after leaving the office because my surgeon is great. He will listen, and keep trying to fix whatever the problem is. So many doctors dismiss their patients and are arrogant. I get none of that with mine and it's wonderful.
In the meantime I started classes and it is kicking my ass. A lot of work. A lot of material. It's scary. I am having my moments of being overwhelmed especially when my 18 month old is going nuts, tearing through the house and I'm trying to study tissues samples!! Yikes. No bueno. On top of it, my sleep is very broken which makes the mornings feel like torture. I'm trying to adjust. One thing that is so awesome that most will find weird is that Hubs installed a retro fit Bidet on our master bathroom toilet. OMG seriously, it is amazing!! Everyone should have one. Seriously. Go Bidet. It has changed my life now that I have a JPouch and the skin issues that go along with it as I've explained before.
Anyway- that's been my big exciting news. So great.
Oh, another awesome thing is I am going to be a guest blogger for http://thegreatbowelmovement.org/. I am so excited. They are a great little thing with awesome Tshirts like the one I have that says, "Ask me about my Ostomy". Awareness, awareness and conversation. So important to us IBD activists. As soon as it's up and posted I will link it! So cool.
It's things like that that make me so happy I started blogging.

Well, I am going back to some studying before bed. Test on Monday and I never maximize my weekend as much as I'd like. Have a great night everyone. Thanks for reading. XO

It has been some time!!! Sorry it's been so long... Following my last blog post I was miserable and dealing with some JPouch issues and was in the worst mood for a few days and then life got in the way. I saw my surgeon last week and was basically a wreck. I wasn't sleeping because my skin was so raw and was weeping. NOTHING I did was working. The pain and the spasms kept me up or woke me up multiple times per night. I had lost a very small amount of blood a few times, and after everything I've been through, one drop and I am in an internal panic. I was near a breaking point from exhaustion. My surgeon comes in the room and I just started crying. He didn't know what to do. I launched into my tirade about my misery and exhaustion and just kept crying. He looks at me after I stopped for a second, and says, "Lisa, I don't know how to handle this with you. You are one of the strongest people I have ever treated, with one of the worst cases of UC, and you always have humor and a joke. I can't handle this side of you. I'm going to fix it". Well, naturally that made me cry harder and then lucky me....... I got to have an internal exam. It was my lucky day. Whoop whoop. Once again I will reiterate, I have no shame, dignity or modesty left... LONG GONE!!
So, he prescribes me Valium, more Flexeril(yeah, who knew digestive diseases would get you the good stuff), lidocaine gel(use your imagination) and a topical cream. I'm seriously a walking pharmacy. Want to know how often I fill prescriptions? They don't even glance at my license for a controlled substance anymore because THEY KNOW ME. Crazy. But I digress....
I felt better after leaving the office because my surgeon is great. He will listen, and keep trying to fix whatever the problem is. So many doctors dismiss their patients and are arrogant. I get none of that with mine and it's wonderful.
In the meantime I started classes and it is kicking my ass. A lot of work. A lot of material. It's scary. I am having my moments of being overwhelmed especially when my 18 month old is going nuts, tearing through the house and I'm trying to study tissues samples!! Yikes. No bueno. On top of it, my sleep is very broken which makes the mornings feel like torture. I'm trying to adjust. One thing that is so awesome that most will find weird is that Hubs installed a retro fit Bidet on our master bathroom toilet. OMG seriously, it is amazing!! Everyone should have one. Seriously. Go Bidet. It has changed my life now that I have a JPouch and the skin issues that go along with it as I've explained before.
Anyway- that's been my big exciting news. So great.
Oh, another awesome thing is I am going to be a guest blogger for http://thegreatbowelmovement.org/. I am so excited. They are a great little thing with awesome Tshirts like the one I have that says, "Ask me about my Ostomy". Awareness, awareness and conversation. So important to us IBD activists. As soon as it's up and posted I will link it! So cool.
It's things like that that make me so happy I started blogging.

Well, I am going back to some studying before bed. Test on Monday and I never maximize my weekend as much as I'd like. Have a great night everyone. Thanks for reading. XO

Crohn's & Colitis Awareness week.

Hello out there. Starting on the 1st, it's Crohn's and Colitis Awareness week. I'm pretty sure we need a month because it continually blows my mind how people have never heard of either disease. 1 in 200 Americans has IBD. That's nothing to ignore. That's a pretty solid number. This is the reason why I basically don't shut up about my life and I'm online and talking about my guts, and my aches and pains nonstop. We, the IBDers, can't shut up. We have to be a pain in the ass and keep telling our stories.
This week has been a pretty rough week. I'm 8 days out from foot surgery and it still hurts pretty bad so I'm still taking Vicodin for it. Well, how many narcotics can a 110lb girl take a day? My usual routine is Lomotil twice a day to slow my system down(narcotic as it is related to demerol), and Flexeril(muscle relaxer) for some continuing spasms in a delicate area that are very painful. Sooooo- yeah... Taking some Hydros on top of that is probably a recipe for disaster so I quit the Flexeril and the spasms came back. But if I take that with the Hydros I go into a coma. I also cut my Lomotil in half which has triggered me cramping and going to the bathroom nonstop. It has a been miserable but I think I finally got a combo figured out that is working. <sigh>
I'm only 9 weeks post Op and I guess I think I'm Wonder Woman and should be just recovered and normal and moving on. This week taught me I'm far from it. I know it generally takes a year for the Jpouch to get working correctly and adapt but here I am in 9 weeks getting pissed because I'm still having issues. I'm nuts. I'm slowly coming to realize I am never going to be "normal". All of you who have known me for years are laughing because you know I never was! But seriously, I guess I had a teeny tiny delusion that I'd get put back together, and the only way I'd know about all these issues were from my scars. Uhhh- yeah. Nice one Lisa. Dumbass. I will forever have issues with food. There will always be things that I will need to avoid, or will give me pain. I may always have scar tissue pain. I may develop adhesions later and they cause pain. I may develop pouchitis and be sick from that. These are all things I know. I do. I just have to remember it daily and be conscious of it. I have to stop myself from overdoing it. I have to avoid things I REALLY enjoy, like salads, and filet mignon.
I will never be a normal person. Technically, I no longer have UC. I kicked it's ass big time. But I am forever an IBD warrior. I may always have issues. I wouldn't go back. Four years ago my symptoms started. I ignored them. I was recently separated and going out a lot. Working a lot. Sleeping little. I blamed them on my lifestyle change. I didn't have time to be sick. I was running nonstop as a newly single mom, running a store, having a social life again. By the beginning of 2009 my symptoms got worse and weird. I pushed through it still. I don't know if I had gone to a doctor sooner if it would have mattered or not. I think no matter I was heading toward getting gutted. I'm happy I went through it. I've learned a lot about my capabilities. I'm a strong bitch. I overcame. I fought even when every cell in my body wanted to collapse and stop. I'm happy it came to surgery too. No more biologics being pumped into me. My hair is pretty much grown in from all of it falling out from steroids. The meds always scared me more than being gutted. Truly. I don't think there is anything that can scare me anymore.
Back to Awareness week! Purple is the awareness color for IBD. I've made sure to rock my purple daily. Here I am for the week. ;-) Enjoy.
Listen to your bodies everyone. You know when something is off, and not normal. Don't wait. It won't hurt to get tested or checked out. It can hurt to wait. Take care of your body. Be your own advocate and cheerleader. Speak up about your journey and battles. You never know who it may help.
XOXO

Day #1. Great Bowel Movement shirt, CCFA bracelet, Girls w Guts bracelet

Day #2 Purple nails.

Day #3 I had a rough couple nights.  I was very crabby.  Still in purple. 

Today, day #4.Weirdo! No bangs. I hate me without bangs now. Still exhausted. Up til 4am.

Hello out there. Starting on the 1st, it's Crohn's and Colitis Awareness week. I'm pretty sure we need a month because it continually blows my mind how people have never heard of either disease. 1 in 200 Americans has IBD. That's nothing to ignore. That's a pretty solid number. This is the reason why I basically don't shut up about my life and I'm online and talking about my guts, and my aches and pains nonstop. We, the IBDers, can't shut up. We have to be a pain in the ass and keep telling our stories.
This week has been a pretty rough week. I'm 8 days out from foot surgery and it still hurts pretty bad so I'm still taking Vicodin for it. Well, how many narcotics can a 110lb girl take a day? My usual routine is Lomotil twice a day to slow my system down(narcotic as it is related to demerol), and Flexeril(muscle relaxer) for some continuing spasms in a delicate area that are very painful. Sooooo- yeah... Taking some Hydros on top of that is probably a recipe for disaster so I quit the Flexeril and the spasms came back. But if I take that with the Hydros I go into a coma. I also cut my Lomotil in half which has triggered me cramping and going to the bathroom nonstop. It has a been miserable but I think I finally got a combo figured out that is working. <sigh>
I'm only 9 weeks post Op and I guess I think I'm Wonder Woman and should be just recovered and normal and moving on. This week taught me I'm far from it. I know it generally takes a year for the Jpouch to get working correctly and adapt but here I am in 9 weeks getting pissed because I'm still having issues. I'm nuts. I'm slowly coming to realize I am never going to be "normal". All of you who have known me for years are laughing because you know I never was! But seriously, I guess I had a teeny tiny delusion that I'd get put back together, and the only way I'd know about all these issues were from my scars. Uhhh- yeah. Nice one Lisa. Dumbass. I will forever have issues with food. There will always be things that I will need to avoid, or will give me pain. I may always have scar tissue pain. I may develop adhesions later and they cause pain. I may develop pouchitis and be sick from that. These are all things I know. I do. I just have to remember it daily and be conscious of it. I have to stop myself from overdoing it. I have to avoid things I REALLY enjoy, like salads, and filet mignon.
I will never be a normal person. Technically, I no longer have UC. I kicked it's ass big time. But I am forever an IBD warrior. I may always have issues. I wouldn't go back. Four years ago my symptoms started. I ignored them. I was recently separated and going out a lot. Working a lot. Sleeping little. I blamed them on my lifestyle change. I didn't have time to be sick. I was running nonstop as a newly single mom, running a store, having a social life again. By the beginning of 2009 my symptoms got worse and weird. I pushed through it still. I don't know if I had gone to a doctor sooner if it would have mattered or not. I think no matter I was heading toward getting gutted. I'm happy I went through it. I've learned a lot about my capabilities. I'm a strong bitch. I overcame. I fought even when every cell in my body wanted to collapse and stop. I'm happy it came to surgery too. No more biologics being pumped into me. My hair is pretty much grown in from all of it falling out from steroids. The meds always scared me more than being gutted. Truly. I don't think there is anything that can scare me anymore.
Back to Awareness week! Purple is the awareness color for IBD. I've made sure to rock my purple daily. Here I am for the week. ;-) Enjoy.
Listen to your bodies everyone. You know when something is off, and not normal. Don't wait. It won't hurt to get tested or checked out. It can hurt to wait. Take care of your body. Be your own advocate and cheerleader. Speak up about your journey and battles. You never know who it may help.
XOXO

Day #1. Great Bowel Movement shirt, CCFA bracelet, Girls w Guts bracelet

Day #2 Purple nails.

Day #3 I had a rough couple nights.  I was very crabby.  Still in purple. 

Today, day #4.Weirdo! No bangs. I hate me without bangs now. Still exhausted. Up til 4am.

What a difference a year makes!!

Well hello out there internet land. it's been a bit since I've written so that could mean I feel fantastic or like total shit... it's been a little bit of both. I still wake up feeling absolutely liberated not having a rotting colon, and not having a bag 'o poo adhered to my torso. On the flip side, still dealing with pain that comes with rearranging my internal organs. First, a little factoid. The average person, from the moment of ingestion to elimination is anywhere from 18-48 hours depending on water and fiber intake. Your food leaves your stomach within 30 minutes and heads to the small bowel. The small bowel is not storage. In roughly 3-4 hours it sucks up the nutrients from the food and moves it into your colon. The colon absorbs water and electrolytes and anything left worth using and stores it until you have to go #2. Well, I don't have the colon anymore. So...after about 4-6 hours my food is gone. Sometimes that is very annoying. It can cause a bit more frequency than I'd like, but anything beats going 20-30 times a day, in pain, like I was before surgery. This leads to another factoid that I may have mentioned in the past. Your small bowel can not remove stomach acid from your waste. It never will. That's part of your colon's job, which I no longer have. To sum up- frequency + highly acidic poo = pain, misery and adult diaper rash. =( Still, I wouldn't go back. Life sucked pretty bad when I prefer a diaper rash. CRAZY.
I've started keeping a journal of when and what I eat, and subsequently, when I hit the throne. Wow- just reread that last part. I have seriously opened the flood gates into what should be the most hidden moments and details of what I'm dealing with and here I am sending it into the internet.

Here's me and my baby girl a few days ago when she turned 15 months. Happy I can spend time, run around and feeling so much better!!! =)

Here's a pretty recent pic of the FrankenBelly. Not as bad as I ever would have thought, but a lot of scar tissue that tends to give me pain if I move a certain way, or quickly. Yoga will not be possible for a bit. Just stretching in the morning hurts. Hoping it will slowly subside.

I've been using some scar fading stuff but not religiously. I'm obviously not too concerned. If it starts to fade as the vertical one did it won't be a big deal. It is very recessed though. Sunken in and weird. Everyone says it's look like a gunshot scar. I think my story is WAY better than a getting shot or knifed. I'll stick with the story about how I kicked UC's ass to the curb!! BOOM!

Had Halloween yesterday. It was so LOVELY to just stroll around the neighborhood, no urgency, with Dillan. The temps dropping brought us in, NOT MY GUTS!!!! That's a big deal. EVERY SINGLE moment, event, and day was impacted by my UC. Seriously it is as though the binds are gone. I was walking last night and pushing Violet thinking about how a year ago life was so different. I was ballooned from Prednisone. I hurt all over. My stepson B took Daughter #1 around because I wouldn't have lasted a block. This year I could have gone for hours. It was great. So liberating. A bonus---We have WAY too much candy left. It's going to be a food group for a while. My kids are damn cute!

I did full blown makeup to be a bearded lady... here's a before and an after----->

It was hard smiling in that thing. It was either Bearded lady or a Pig in a Blanket and it ended up being too warm to walk around wrapped in a blanket. I'm still not used to warm weather at Halloween. I subconsciously think I need the thermals under my costume!!
Here's me last year. I didn't even want my picture taken because the moon face was so bad and I was so ugly. I don't even recognize myself. How horrible that drug is. I think I packed on almost 40lbs too. I should have just put a bag over my fat head!!! =) And can you tell green is my favorite color. That's weird.

I have been thinking lately I want to do more in striving for IBD, ostomy and Pouch awareness. I don't know where to start. I think I'll contact my local CCFA. I really want to be out there as an advocate with my story and experience and make what we deal with and how it affects our lives a bit more center stage. It struck me the other day when I called my SSDI(Social Security Disability Insurance) attorney to update my file with my second surgery and how my meds changed and the woman at the office who I passed the message to said, "I'd ask what an Ostomy reversal is, but first I need to know what an ostomy is." It just took me aback. Is this stuff really that below the radar?? It shouldn't be. We are not that few and far between!!! Hello!!!! We all need to talk and get it out there. I'm sure at some point people were embarrassed to talk about breast cancer but now, there isn't one person who hasn't heard of breast cancer. And yet, they still spend millions every year on 'awareness'. Everyone is aware... in terms of that..it's time to just shift that money to research and treatment.
With IBD, there is little 'awareness'. Little understanding. Meds that rock our worlds and our bodies into worse situations. Other countries are leaping ahead with research and trials with intestinal transplants, fecal transplant etc... I would have been all on board for someone else's guts. Even one foot of colon would have to help right?? Ok, I'm off my soapbox and done contemplating biology and science I have to business contemplating. Have a great November 1st!!! I can not believe this year is winding down. One year ago I was dealing with a horrible flare of which I vowed to stay out of the Big H, extreme joint pain, Remicade infusions that weren't even working, 40mg of Prednisone(down from 70mg), a colonoscopy and CT scan and a cervical cancer scare and surgery to remove aggressive and quickly advancing precancerous cells. Last October and November were ROUGH!!! It just goes to show how much can change in a year. When you think you've hit the bottom, when the world is crumbling, if you just hang on and keep it together, you will look back a year later and amaze yourself at what you can overcome. We are all stronger than we think. We just have to give ourselves the chance to shine! Be well everyone. Thanks for reading. XOXO

Well hello out there internet land. it's been a bit since I've written so that could mean I feel fantastic or like total shit... it's been a little bit of both. I still wake up feeling absolutely liberated not having a rotting colon, and not having a bag 'o poo adhered to my torso. On the flip side, still dealing with pain that comes with rearranging my internal organs. First, a little factoid. The average person, from the moment of ingestion to elimination is anywhere from 18-48 hours depending on water and fiber intake. Your food leaves your stomach within 30 minutes and heads to the small bowel. The small bowel is not storage. In roughly 3-4 hours it sucks up the nutrients from the food and moves it into your colon. The colon absorbs water and electrolytes and anything left worth using and stores it until you have to go #2. Well, I don't have the colon anymore. So...after about 4-6 hours my food is gone. Sometimes that is very annoying. It can cause a bit more frequency than I'd like, but anything beats going 20-30 times a day, in pain, like I was before surgery. This leads to another factoid that I may have mentioned in the past. Your small bowel can not remove stomach acid from your waste. It never will. That's part of your colon's job, which I no longer have. To sum up- frequency + highly acidic poo = pain, misery and adult diaper rash. =( Still, I wouldn't go back. Life sucked pretty bad when I prefer a diaper rash. CRAZY.
I've started keeping a journal of when and what I eat, and subsequently, when I hit the throne. Wow- just reread that last part. I have seriously opened the flood gates into what should be the most hidden moments and details of what I'm dealing with and here I am sending it into the internet.

Here's me and my baby girl a few days ago when she turned 15 months. Happy I can spend time, run around and feeling so much better!!! =)

Here's a pretty recent pic of the FrankenBelly. Not as bad as I ever would have thought, but a lot of scar tissue that tends to give me pain if I move a certain way, or quickly. Yoga will not be possible for a bit. Just stretching in the morning hurts. Hoping it will slowly subside.

I've been using some scar fading stuff but not religiously. I'm obviously not too concerned. If it starts to fade as the vertical one did it won't be a big deal. It is very recessed though. Sunken in and weird. Everyone says it's look like a gunshot scar. I think my story is WAY better than a getting shot or knifed. I'll stick with the story about how I kicked UC's ass to the curb!! BOOM!

Had Halloween yesterday. It was so LOVELY to just stroll around the neighborhood, no urgency, with Dillan. The temps dropping brought us in, NOT MY GUTS!!!! That's a big deal. EVERY SINGLE moment, event, and day was impacted by my UC. Seriously it is as though the binds are gone. I was walking last night and pushing Violet thinking about how a year ago life was so different. I was ballooned from Prednisone. I hurt all over. My stepson B took Daughter #1 around because I wouldn't have lasted a block. This year I could have gone for hours. It was great. So liberating. A bonus---We have WAY too much candy left. It's going to be a food group for a while. My kids are damn cute!

I did full blown makeup to be a bearded lady... here's a before and an after----->

It was hard smiling in that thing. It was either Bearded lady or a Pig in a Blanket and it ended up being too warm to walk around wrapped in a blanket. I'm still not used to warm weather at Halloween. I subconsciously think I need the thermals under my costume!!
Here's me last year. I didn't even want my picture taken because the moon face was so bad and I was so ugly. I don't even recognize myself. How horrible that drug is. I think I packed on almost 40lbs too. I should have just put a bag over my fat head!!! =) And can you tell green is my favorite color. That's weird.

I have been thinking lately I want to do more in striving for IBD, ostomy and Pouch awareness. I don't know where to start. I think I'll contact my local CCFA. I really want to be out there as an advocate with my story and experience and make what we deal with and how it affects our lives a bit more center stage. It struck me the other day when I called my SSDI(Social Security Disability Insurance) attorney to update my file with my second surgery and how my meds changed and the woman at the office who I passed the message to said, "I'd ask what an Ostomy reversal is, but first I need to know what an ostomy is." It just took me aback. Is this stuff really that below the radar?? It shouldn't be. We are not that few and far between!!! Hello!!!! We all need to talk and get it out there. I'm sure at some point people were embarrassed to talk about breast cancer but now, there isn't one person who hasn't heard of breast cancer. And yet, they still spend millions every year on 'awareness'. Everyone is aware... in terms of that..it's time to just shift that money to research and treatment.
With IBD, there is little 'awareness'. Little understanding. Meds that rock our worlds and our bodies into worse situations. Other countries are leaping ahead with research and trials with intestinal transplants, fecal transplant etc... I would have been all on board for someone else's guts. Even one foot of colon would have to help right?? Ok, I'm off my soapbox and done contemplating biology and science I have to business contemplating. Have a great November 1st!!! I can not believe this year is winding down. One year ago I was dealing with a horrible flare of which I vowed to stay out of the Big H, extreme joint pain, Remicade infusions that weren't even working, 40mg of Prednisone(down from 70mg), a colonoscopy and CT scan and a cervical cancer scare and surgery to remove aggressive and quickly advancing precancerous cells. Last October and November were ROUGH!!! It just goes to show how much can change in a year. When you think you've hit the bottom, when the world is crumbling, if you just hang on and keep it together, you will look back a year later and amaze yourself at what you can overcome. We are all stronger than we think. We just have to give ourselves the chance to shine! Be well everyone. Thanks for reading. XOXO

Pain with a capital P.

I just wanted an easy transition. Not getting it. The surgical pain has been nothing. The intestinal pain on the other hand has been intense. The majority of my small bowel wasn't used for months. Now, it is not happy to be put back to work. I am in pain. I can not describe the internal/maybe rectal? pain that occurs when something starts moving into that area. It paralyzes me for a few moments. So intense I feel like I may have an accident. Then is passes like it never happened. I can only assume that feeling is waste entering the newly formed pouch. I am still trying to figure out how things feel. Having to go #2 feels completely different now that I'm using different body parts to do it. So, trying to discern what is just intestinal pain vs the urge to go has been a challenge this last week. I end up hanging out in the shitter because I don't know if I'm in pain, or if I have to go. So obnoxious.
For those who are unfamiliar with the Jpouch, here's an image of what my insides basically look like now after all the surgeries are done.

I have to keep reminding myself that it generally takes up to a year for the Jpouch and system to adapt and become somewhat normal. I'm only 11 days post OP. Everything is a very slow adjustment process. My small intestine needs to start absorbing more water so my 'output' is more solid. Yeah, there's a nice visual. HOT!!
I'm completely out of my mind thinking I should be able to pick up my crazy life and run with it. It hurts to sit sometimes. 11 days is nothing. I need to snap out of it. I almost look normal, so I want to feel normal. Patience is not my strongest quality. It might not even be a quality I have.
 Here's pic from today of FrankenBelly. It looks so gross.

It's so scabby and itchy and it actually is very uncomfortable. Hopefully my wound care nurse can pop them out tomorrow. They are now to the point where it hurts because my body wants them gone. Ewwww.. and I'm totally a scab picker so you have no idea what kind of will power it is taking for me not to go after this thing. A lot. Tons. It's ridiculous how bad I want to pick at it.
So, I'm plugging away. There's a ton of stuff I want to do to this house that I haven't been able to because I've been sick for 100 years. Slowly putting my ideas to work so right now that is keeping me motivated. All my ideas cost money though, of which I am officially running out of all the cash I had stashed away. Looking at my bank account brings back the thoughts of now what and wondering what the hell I'm good at and where to go from here. So, I'll stop thinking about it for now. It gets me really upset. How am I 35 and feel so lost out of nowhere? Ok- I'm done.
New entryway wall unit soon, new paint for the downstairs bathroom and I plan on painting our island in the kitchen to change things up a bit. Fun stuff. I'll start buying the Lotto tickets anytime. I think Lotto winner sounds like a perfectly acceptable career!
Have a great day everyone.
XO

I just wanted an easy transition. Not getting it. The surgical pain has been nothing. The intestinal pain on the other hand has been intense. The majority of my small bowel wasn't used for months. Now, it is not happy to be put back to work. I am in pain. I can not describe the internal/maybe rectal? pain that occurs when something starts moving into that area. It paralyzes me for a few moments. So intense I feel like I may have an accident. Then is passes like it never happened. I can only assume that feeling is waste entering the newly formed pouch. I am still trying to figure out how things feel. Having to go #2 feels completely different now that I'm using different body parts to do it. So, trying to discern what is just intestinal pain vs the urge to go has been a challenge this last week. I end up hanging out in the shitter because I don't know if I'm in pain, or if I have to go. So obnoxious.
For those who are unfamiliar with the Jpouch, here's an image of what my insides basically look like now after all the surgeries are done.

I have to keep reminding myself that it generally takes up to a year for the Jpouch and system to adapt and become somewhat normal. I'm only 11 days post OP. Everything is a very slow adjustment process. My small intestine needs to start absorbing more water so my 'output' is more solid. Yeah, there's a nice visual. HOT!!
I'm completely out of my mind thinking I should be able to pick up my crazy life and run with it. It hurts to sit sometimes. 11 days is nothing. I need to snap out of it. I almost look normal, so I want to feel normal. Patience is not my strongest quality. It might not even be a quality I have.
 Here's pic from today of FrankenBelly. It looks so gross.

It's so scabby and itchy and it actually is very uncomfortable. Hopefully my wound care nurse can pop them out tomorrow. They are now to the point where it hurts because my body wants them gone. Ewwww.. and I'm totally a scab picker so you have no idea what kind of will power it is taking for me not to go after this thing. A lot. Tons. It's ridiculous how bad I want to pick at it.
So, I'm plugging away. There's a ton of stuff I want to do to this house that I haven't been able to because I've been sick for 100 years. Slowly putting my ideas to work so right now that is keeping me motivated. All my ideas cost money though, of which I am officially running out of all the cash I had stashed away. Looking at my bank account brings back the thoughts of now what and wondering what the hell I'm good at and where to go from here. So, I'll stop thinking about it for now. It gets me really upset. How am I 35 and feel so lost out of nowhere? Ok- I'm done.
New entryway wall unit soon, new paint for the downstairs bathroom and I plan on painting our island in the kitchen to change things up a bit. Fun stuff. I'll start buying the Lotto tickets anytime. I think Lotto winner sounds like a perfectly acceptable career!
Have a great day everyone.
XO