Can you be present with pain?

Hello hello internet world. I have not disappeared. I don't know what's been up with me the last few weeks. Just feeling uninspired about myself in general. Bummed out. Slightly depressed. It's frustrating. Trying to get my act together and fight through daily pain and still be PRESENT. It's tough. Pain makes me disengage. Check out. Or I get in a funk where I'm beating myself up mentally. Feeling bad about myself. I can be a hardcore Debbie Downer when I want to be. I'm going to be 36 in September. I am really down about the fact that I feel so unaccomplished the last few years. Where the hell did the time go? It goes in a flash, especially when you are chronically sick or in pain. You have nothing to show for it. It feels like I laid in bed,  or was in hospitals for the majority of the time and wasting a perfectly good life. This was not my plan. Planning is such a joke. This summer is half over already and I feel like it's disappeared. As I wrote about last post, I've been a big fail. I was starting to feel a little better but now it's just back to being crap.
I'm not working anymore. My surgeon kept extending my leave and I'll be having some other procedures soon that will require recovery and all that time just made me unreliable and a let down. It wasn't fair to my boss to just be in limbo about my status. She was so wonderful and understanding. I felt so disappointing. I still do. Many, many days I went into work in a lot of pain, struggling to get through a 5 hour shift. In the short time I worked there I went home early a couple times, and had to call in a couple. Very frustrating. Just another example of my body completely failing me. It is not something I can get used to. The thing is, it's not that I can't do something, it's the level of pain I fight while doing it, or the time to recover afterward. That's what knocks me out emotionally. It's just not fair.
My little girl turned 2 last week. She is a handful. Everyday I think I will get past this and to a better place before she gets to a point where she starts remembering. I'm tired of being lame mom. I never was. It's really hard to wrap my brain around it. Like I said- being more present. Fighting yourself to try to be that way. Many days I find distractions to waste time so I'm not focused on hurting or what I CAN'T do.
I was thinking the other day about things I used to do. I used to write. Poems, short stories... I wrote tons of them. I wonder why I stopped? That makes me a little sad. Somewhere along the line of having kids and getting sick I've lost all these little parts of me. Sometimes you don't notice until it's been years and you lost a bunch of them. I think reconnecting with 'me' would be a big help. I don't really go out of my way for time or activities for myself very often. Out with a friend occasionally. Out with Mat almost never unless we have random family in town to watch the kids. I stopped working out a million years ago because I was a sickly mess. Traveling on hold. I don't even really shop anymore! I know, right!! No shopping?? It's a crazy world, living like this. You feel great one day so you over do it and then pay for 3 days after. My semester starts soon and I just hope it won't be too much. I just want to finish and move on.... but then in the back of my head I think, "Well at this rate would I be able to work when I'm done?". Am I back in school for nothing because this shitty disease is going to sideline me forever? I would hope not, but imagine just not knowing? It sucks, big time. See- Debbie Downer. Piss, piss, pisser. I used to LOVE life. I was all in. Where did it stop? I hate that. I don't like myself much right now.
On a positive front, I don't have dysplasia. The wonderful pathologist made a typo. Yeah. Jackass. A TYPO. Thanks for that two weeks of stress, biatch. It was awesome.
Ok.. now that I've bummed everyone out big time and ruined your night, I will end. Sorry I was not entertaining and was so crappy. I'm just so blah about myself. I need something to shift and soon. As always, thanks for reading. I promise- more smiles next time!

Hello hello internet world. I have not disappeared. I don't know what's been up with me the last few weeks. Just feeling uninspired about myself in general. Bummed out. Slightly depressed. It's frustrating. Trying to get my act together and fight through daily pain and still be PRESENT. It's tough. Pain makes me disengage. Check out. Or I get in a funk where I'm beating myself up mentally. Feeling bad about myself. I can be a hardcore Debbie Downer when I want to be. I'm going to be 36 in September. I am really down about the fact that I feel so unaccomplished the last few years. Where the hell did the time go? It goes in a flash, especially when you are chronically sick or in pain. You have nothing to show for it. It feels like I laid in bed,  or was in hospitals for the majority of the time and wasting a perfectly good life. This was not my plan. Planning is such a joke. This summer is half over already and I feel like it's disappeared. As I wrote about last post, I've been a big fail. I was starting to feel a little better but now it's just back to being crap.
I'm not working anymore. My surgeon kept extending my leave and I'll be having some other procedures soon that will require recovery and all that time just made me unreliable and a let down. It wasn't fair to my boss to just be in limbo about my status. She was so wonderful and understanding. I felt so disappointing. I still do. Many, many days I went into work in a lot of pain, struggling to get through a 5 hour shift. In the short time I worked there I went home early a couple times, and had to call in a couple. Very frustrating. Just another example of my body completely failing me. It is not something I can get used to. The thing is, it's not that I can't do something, it's the level of pain I fight while doing it, or the time to recover afterward. That's what knocks me out emotionally. It's just not fair.
My little girl turned 2 last week. She is a handful. Everyday I think I will get past this and to a better place before she gets to a point where she starts remembering. I'm tired of being lame mom. I never was. It's really hard to wrap my brain around it. Like I said- being more present. Fighting yourself to try to be that way. Many days I find distractions to waste time so I'm not focused on hurting or what I CAN'T do.
I was thinking the other day about things I used to do. I used to write. Poems, short stories... I wrote tons of them. I wonder why I stopped? That makes me a little sad. Somewhere along the line of having kids and getting sick I've lost all these little parts of me. Sometimes you don't notice until it's been years and you lost a bunch of them. I think reconnecting with 'me' would be a big help. I don't really go out of my way for time or activities for myself very often. Out with a friend occasionally. Out with Mat almost never unless we have random family in town to watch the kids. I stopped working out a million years ago because I was a sickly mess. Traveling on hold. I don't even really shop anymore! I know, right!! No shopping?? It's a crazy world, living like this. You feel great one day so you over do it and then pay for 3 days after. My semester starts soon and I just hope it won't be too much. I just want to finish and move on.... but then in the back of my head I think, "Well at this rate would I be able to work when I'm done?". Am I back in school for nothing because this shitty disease is going to sideline me forever? I would hope not, but imagine just not knowing? It sucks, big time. See- Debbie Downer. Piss, piss, pisser. I used to LOVE life. I was all in. Where did it stop? I hate that. I don't like myself much right now.
On a positive front, I don't have dysplasia. The wonderful pathologist made a typo. Yeah. Jackass. A TYPO. Thanks for that two weeks of stress, biatch. It was awesome.
Ok.. now that I've bummed everyone out big time and ruined your night, I will end. Sorry I was not entertaining and was so crappy. I'm just so blah about myself. I need something to shift and soon. As always, thanks for reading. I promise- more smiles next time!

My trip to the 716...

I can not believe I didn't blog about my trip in NY!!!
Wow- I must be losing it. Or lost it already. Whatever.
I had a really great time. NO issues with the TSA. I even put out a challenge by wearing my 'Ask me about my Ostomy' tshirt.

Nothing. Hmmmm..it was definitely a positive way to start the trip.
I was so worried about having issues with a body scanner or whatever and I didn't go through one at all. I don't think. Hmmm.. I was pretty distracted with all my gear, the stroller, Violet, taking shoes off etc... that I guess I didn't notice. I tend to get way worked up about stuff and then find out it was overkill. I guess I'd rather plan for the worst than get blindsided.
I spent most of my time with family. Saw my Gram a lot and her party was so much fun. I spent way too much time gabbing with people I hadn't seen and  didn't get in enough pics or take enough pics and I'm kicking myself. I tend to do that sometimes. I need to learn to shut up.
I made sure to get Tim Horton's coffee daily, I ate a lot of kick ass pizza that I am already craving, and had homemade sauce and meatballs three different days!!! Can't beat that.
My kids had a ball, especially Dillan. She was loving every minute with my female teenage cousins. She's ready to be 16 and it's scary. She loved her time with Sarina, Miranda and Alissa.
It was a really great time. I was really sad to leave everyone. I grew up really close with my cousins Toni and Marisa.The two of them and my sister and me were all the same ages and spent a lot of time together. Went to the same high school.  Your cousins are your first friends... glad I have them and we are still relatively close even living far away.
I was there 6 days which always seems like a lot until you are trying to fit people in, and go do this, see this etc... I probably needed ten. I had so much time until I had none. There were some people I didn't get much time with as schedules are crazy. Ten days may work a bit better next time.
I got to spend the day with my best friend on her birthday with all our girls. We had a fun outing at a pumpkin farm where chaos ensued as it always does with us. Then we tortured the diners at my favorite Greek restaurant with us and our five girls. Hahahaha.... I love seeing Dillan with Janelle's oldest Jillian. They are a year apart and are us. Seriously. They haven't seen each other in two years and were off together in 5 minutes like they were never apart. I absolutely love it!! It's those moments I miss and wish I could get back there more. It's just such a financial fee to fly my two kids and me to Buffalo. And then I need a rental car. I need to worry about who has the room to board us. I hate feeling like I am inconveniencing anyone. It was really great staying at my Aunt's though. She was wonderful and I had a great time talking and spending time with her.
I could never imagine living back there though. I can't handle the cold anymore. It is so beautiful in the fall so I'm glad we went when we did. I'm going to try to plan something maybe for the summer. I love my family, and miss them. It's important to me that my kids has time with them and have them in their lives even if we are 1500 miles away!
Violet was perfect on the flight home. Traveling with the girls by myself was a lot easier that I imagined. It helped that we had an empty seat with us the whole way back so Miss VIP got her own seat to sit in. Worked out perfectly!!
The ostomy was pretty well behaved. Weird that I no longer have it. All the Italian food made my nights a bit uncomfortable as those damn acidic tomatoes had me up a few times a night. I shared a room with the girls and OMG I barely slept. Violet snores, and Dillan talks in her her sleep. That meant I was a tired, hag every single day I was there. By the time I got back and went into the hospital the next day, I was ready for a nap!!
I think I finally finished laundry and unpacking from the trip a few days ago. Between going in the hospital the day after we returned and then recovery, I realized it had been a while since we got back and I never even blogged about it! Here are some pics. Missing everyone already!
XOXO

 My girls having pizza down my the river in Lewiston.

 My girls and me with my cousins and my Gramma at her party. Missing my sister.

 The girls on the plane on the way back to Dallas. Southwest was so good to us.

 At the pumpkin patch. Love fall in WNY.

My cousins Toni, Marisa, Dom and me. Miss these hang outs.

I can not believe I didn't blog about my trip in NY!!!
Wow- I must be losing it. Or lost it already. Whatever.
I had a really great time. NO issues with the TSA. I even put out a challenge by wearing my 'Ask me about my Ostomy' tshirt.

Nothing. Hmmmm..it was definitely a positive way to start the trip.
I was so worried about having issues with a body scanner or whatever and I didn't go through one at all. I don't think. Hmmm.. I was pretty distracted with all my gear, the stroller, Violet, taking shoes off etc... that I guess I didn't notice. I tend to get way worked up about stuff and then find out it was overkill. I guess I'd rather plan for the worst than get blindsided.
I spent most of my time with family. Saw my Gram a lot and her party was so much fun. I spent way too much time gabbing with people I hadn't seen and  didn't get in enough pics or take enough pics and I'm kicking myself. I tend to do that sometimes. I need to learn to shut up.
I made sure to get Tim Horton's coffee daily, I ate a lot of kick ass pizza that I am already craving, and had homemade sauce and meatballs three different days!!! Can't beat that.
My kids had a ball, especially Dillan. She was loving every minute with my female teenage cousins. She's ready to be 16 and it's scary. She loved her time with Sarina, Miranda and Alissa.
It was a really great time. I was really sad to leave everyone. I grew up really close with my cousins Toni and Marisa.The two of them and my sister and me were all the same ages and spent a lot of time together. Went to the same high school.  Your cousins are your first friends... glad I have them and we are still relatively close even living far away.
I was there 6 days which always seems like a lot until you are trying to fit people in, and go do this, see this etc... I probably needed ten. I had so much time until I had none. There were some people I didn't get much time with as schedules are crazy. Ten days may work a bit better next time.
I got to spend the day with my best friend on her birthday with all our girls. We had a fun outing at a pumpkin farm where chaos ensued as it always does with us. Then we tortured the diners at my favorite Greek restaurant with us and our five girls. Hahahaha.... I love seeing Dillan with Janelle's oldest Jillian. They are a year apart and are us. Seriously. They haven't seen each other in two years and were off together in 5 minutes like they were never apart. I absolutely love it!! It's those moments I miss and wish I could get back there more. It's just such a financial fee to fly my two kids and me to Buffalo. And then I need a rental car. I need to worry about who has the room to board us. I hate feeling like I am inconveniencing anyone. It was really great staying at my Aunt's though. She was wonderful and I had a great time talking and spending time with her.
I could never imagine living back there though. I can't handle the cold anymore. It is so beautiful in the fall so I'm glad we went when we did. I'm going to try to plan something maybe for the summer. I love my family, and miss them. It's important to me that my kids has time with them and have them in their lives even if we are 1500 miles away!
Violet was perfect on the flight home. Traveling with the girls by myself was a lot easier that I imagined. It helped that we had an empty seat with us the whole way back so Miss VIP got her own seat to sit in. Worked out perfectly!!
The ostomy was pretty well behaved. Weird that I no longer have it. All the Italian food made my nights a bit uncomfortable as those damn acidic tomatoes had me up a few times a night. I shared a room with the girls and OMG I barely slept. Violet snores, and Dillan talks in her her sleep. That meant I was a tired, hag every single day I was there. By the time I got back and went into the hospital the next day, I was ready for a nap!!
I think I finally finished laundry and unpacking from the trip a few days ago. Between going in the hospital the day after we returned and then recovery, I realized it had been a while since we got back and I never even blogged about it! Here are some pics. Missing everyone already!
XOXO

 My girls having pizza down my the river in Lewiston.

 My girls and me with my cousins and my Gramma at her party. Missing my sister.

 The girls on the plane on the way back to Dallas. Southwest was so good to us.

 At the pumpkin patch. Love fall in WNY.

My cousins Toni, Marisa, Dom and me. Miss these hang outs.