Can you be present with pain?

Hello hello internet world. I have not disappeared. I don't know what's been up with me the last few weeks. Just feeling uninspired about myself in general. Bummed out. Slightly depressed. It's frustrating. Trying to get my act together and fight through daily pain and still be PRESENT. It's tough. Pain makes me disengage. Check out. Or I get in a funk where I'm beating myself up mentally. Feeling bad about myself. I can be a hardcore Debbie Downer when I want to be. I'm going to be 36 in September. I am really down about the fact that I feel so unaccomplished the last few years. Where the hell did the time go? It goes in a flash, especially when you are chronically sick or in pain. You have nothing to show for it. It feels like I laid in bed,  or was in hospitals for the majority of the time and wasting a perfectly good life. This was not my plan. Planning is such a joke. This summer is half over already and I feel like it's disappeared. As I wrote about last post, I've been a big fail. I was starting to feel a little better but now it's just back to being crap.
I'm not working anymore. My surgeon kept extending my leave and I'll be having some other procedures soon that will require recovery and all that time just made me unreliable and a let down. It wasn't fair to my boss to just be in limbo about my status. She was so wonderful and understanding. I felt so disappointing. I still do. Many, many days I went into work in a lot of pain, struggling to get through a 5 hour shift. In the short time I worked there I went home early a couple times, and had to call in a couple. Very frustrating. Just another example of my body completely failing me. It is not something I can get used to. The thing is, it's not that I can't do something, it's the level of pain I fight while doing it, or the time to recover afterward. That's what knocks me out emotionally. It's just not fair.
My little girl turned 2 last week. She is a handful. Everyday I think I will get past this and to a better place before she gets to a point where she starts remembering. I'm tired of being lame mom. I never was. It's really hard to wrap my brain around it. Like I said- being more present. Fighting yourself to try to be that way. Many days I find distractions to waste time so I'm not focused on hurting or what I CAN'T do.
I was thinking the other day about things I used to do. I used to write. Poems, short stories... I wrote tons of them. I wonder why I stopped? That makes me a little sad. Somewhere along the line of having kids and getting sick I've lost all these little parts of me. Sometimes you don't notice until it's been years and you lost a bunch of them. I think reconnecting with 'me' would be a big help. I don't really go out of my way for time or activities for myself very often. Out with a friend occasionally. Out with Mat almost never unless we have random family in town to watch the kids. I stopped working out a million years ago because I was a sickly mess. Traveling on hold. I don't even really shop anymore! I know, right!! No shopping?? It's a crazy world, living like this. You feel great one day so you over do it and then pay for 3 days after. My semester starts soon and I just hope it won't be too much. I just want to finish and move on.... but then in the back of my head I think, "Well at this rate would I be able to work when I'm done?". Am I back in school for nothing because this shitty disease is going to sideline me forever? I would hope not, but imagine just not knowing? It sucks, big time. See- Debbie Downer. Piss, piss, pisser. I used to LOVE life. I was all in. Where did it stop? I hate that. I don't like myself much right now.
On a positive front, I don't have dysplasia. The wonderful pathologist made a typo. Yeah. Jackass. A TYPO. Thanks for that two weeks of stress, biatch. It was awesome.
Ok.. now that I've bummed everyone out big time and ruined your night, I will end. Sorry I was not entertaining and was so crappy. I'm just so blah about myself. I need something to shift and soon. As always, thanks for reading. I promise- more smiles next time!

Hello hello internet world. I have not disappeared. I don't know what's been up with me the last few weeks. Just feeling uninspired about myself in general. Bummed out. Slightly depressed. It's frustrating. Trying to get my act together and fight through daily pain and still be PRESENT. It's tough. Pain makes me disengage. Check out. Or I get in a funk where I'm beating myself up mentally. Feeling bad about myself. I can be a hardcore Debbie Downer when I want to be. I'm going to be 36 in September. I am really down about the fact that I feel so unaccomplished the last few years. Where the hell did the time go? It goes in a flash, especially when you are chronically sick or in pain. You have nothing to show for it. It feels like I laid in bed,  or was in hospitals for the majority of the time and wasting a perfectly good life. This was not my plan. Planning is such a joke. This summer is half over already and I feel like it's disappeared. As I wrote about last post, I've been a big fail. I was starting to feel a little better but now it's just back to being crap.
I'm not working anymore. My surgeon kept extending my leave and I'll be having some other procedures soon that will require recovery and all that time just made me unreliable and a let down. It wasn't fair to my boss to just be in limbo about my status. She was so wonderful and understanding. I felt so disappointing. I still do. Many, many days I went into work in a lot of pain, struggling to get through a 5 hour shift. In the short time I worked there I went home early a couple times, and had to call in a couple. Very frustrating. Just another example of my body completely failing me. It is not something I can get used to. The thing is, it's not that I can't do something, it's the level of pain I fight while doing it, or the time to recover afterward. That's what knocks me out emotionally. It's just not fair.
My little girl turned 2 last week. She is a handful. Everyday I think I will get past this and to a better place before she gets to a point where she starts remembering. I'm tired of being lame mom. I never was. It's really hard to wrap my brain around it. Like I said- being more present. Fighting yourself to try to be that way. Many days I find distractions to waste time so I'm not focused on hurting or what I CAN'T do.
I was thinking the other day about things I used to do. I used to write. Poems, short stories... I wrote tons of them. I wonder why I stopped? That makes me a little sad. Somewhere along the line of having kids and getting sick I've lost all these little parts of me. Sometimes you don't notice until it's been years and you lost a bunch of them. I think reconnecting with 'me' would be a big help. I don't really go out of my way for time or activities for myself very often. Out with a friend occasionally. Out with Mat almost never unless we have random family in town to watch the kids. I stopped working out a million years ago because I was a sickly mess. Traveling on hold. I don't even really shop anymore! I know, right!! No shopping?? It's a crazy world, living like this. You feel great one day so you over do it and then pay for 3 days after. My semester starts soon and I just hope it won't be too much. I just want to finish and move on.... but then in the back of my head I think, "Well at this rate would I be able to work when I'm done?". Am I back in school for nothing because this shitty disease is going to sideline me forever? I would hope not, but imagine just not knowing? It sucks, big time. See- Debbie Downer. Piss, piss, pisser. I used to LOVE life. I was all in. Where did it stop? I hate that. I don't like myself much right now.
On a positive front, I don't have dysplasia. The wonderful pathologist made a typo. Yeah. Jackass. A TYPO. Thanks for that two weeks of stress, biatch. It was awesome.
Ok.. now that I've bummed everyone out big time and ruined your night, I will end. Sorry I was not entertaining and was so crappy. I'm just so blah about myself. I need something to shift and soon. As always, thanks for reading. I promise- more smiles next time!