I had a very disgusting night.

I'm giving everyone fair warning. I'm about to talk about some gross shit. As opposed to not gross shit I guess. Whatever.

It's been a month since I've written. The one fabulous thing I did was get LASIK!! OMG! So freakin' great. My eyes weren't bad to begin with but to me they were. I was about 20/40 and -2.50 in contacts. My last checkup was 20/10!!! It is unreal to wake up and be able to see, and shower and not be blind or me to think I'm going to get some bacterial infection every time I would shower with contacts in. Yes, I know, but it happens. So now I can SEE!! I have a part of my body that isn't failing and causing me issues. I don't even know what to do about it. Wow. And daughter #2 broke my glasses the day after surgery. And I didn't even care!! =)


*** Grossness beginning***

So aside from my spectacular vision,  I have had the usual nonsense with living with a temporary ileostomy. Trying to figure out how to slow my output so it's not nasty water pouring out of me but not so thick that it'll cause issues. Yeah, I haven't found the right fix yet unless you count eating potato chips everyday. No kidding. The lomotil I have as a Rx doesn't quite do it. The Imodium is a joke. But if I eat chips everyday I am the closest thing to comfortable as I can get. Sleeping with an ostomy bag full of liquid is impossible. It sloshes around. It weighs 2lbs. No joke. It is truly disgusting and you are aware of it for every single second you are trying to "relax" and get some sleep. It doesn't go together well, hence I'm a #tiredhag.
Traveling with an ostomy is a nightmare for me. We went away for spring break for a week and I have to plan and think about so many things with an ostomy. I have yet to find wafers that don't blow and leak constantly so needing to travel and carry with me enough supplies by guessing what I could possibly need is a lot. You can't get anything at a drugstore. So I get paranoid and half a suitcase is ostomy supplies. I came close to not having enough this time. I started to panic over the weekend and came up with a plan to contact an ostomy nurse at a hospital in town. It would have been my only option in a pinch.

My ostomy was at the forefront of my mind every minute I was away. At the beach(especially), while we spent the day at a theme park, when we went to dinner at my parent's friend's house. Dealing with an ostomy incident away from my house makes me crazy. It makes me neurotic and upset and just so AWARE that I have issues. I love the beach. I could park my ass in the sand for 5 days straight and be fine. It's not the same dealing with this. It's hard to handle a wafer blowout in the sand. My enjoyment level is down. I feel restricted in my life. I know so many of my IBDer friends have permanent ostomies that they chose, or in some cases, had no choice. And I commend them for their day to day. I am amazed by those that scuba dive, run marathons, go camping etc... I can't picture myself doing any of that. Not in my condition. Not with the skin issues I have, the wafer issues I have and the output I have. Some days I'm afraid to run to the store because my wafers have been leaking nonstop.
So vacation was fun. I LOVE going away but at the same time felt the impact of what I have going on with an ostomy. We went to Universal and I had an explosion before we got into the park. That doesn't set my confidence level very high for the day. I hate that. But I enjoyed Butter Beer in the World of Harry Potter. ;)

So we get to the last few days. My rectal spasms are back and are so uncomfortable. They bring me to tears and it takes A LOT of pain to bring me to tears. I've built up a pretty high tolerance for pain over the years. My skin is raw. It's weeping, it's bleeding. My output is water. (Keep in mind "they" say a good output is mush like oatmeal. Yeah, right. Maybe about an hour every few days if I eat chips consistantly.) So I've been going through wafers like crazy. I try to hold off changing them very soon even if I know I have fluid that has leaked under and is eating my skin. The tradeoff is my skin getting eaten off in one small spot, or my skin getting ripped off from the wax in a larger area.(The wafer is wax and it melts onto your skin to seal it. They are meant to stay on easily up to 5 days so getting one off after a few hours is horrible.) It all sounds so fun doesn't it?? Wooooo-friggon-Hooooo!
All of these supplies are VERY expensive so making them last is important. I spend way too much money on all these supplies. So sometimes I suffer through the pain of a leaking wafer just to get another day out of it. I know that sounds nuts but I've become so accustomed to some sort of pain or discomfort that it isn't a big deal anymore.
Well today was just the suck of the suck. Burning skin. Spasms. Water output nonstop. Those things and changing a wafer DO NOT MIX. On a good day, once I get the old wafer off I can get cleaned, prepped and a new wafer on in 60 seconds. On a day like today I have no chance against the power of the small intestine's peristalsis. It won't stop. And with it being all liquid it makes it impossible to get the area dry before putting the new wafer on. So tonight with my skin burning so bad I couldn't take anymore, I managed to peel the wafer off, taking some skin with it. Here's a nice visual.

 So my skin's bleeding. I'm trying to get everything ready with one hand and deal with my skin with the other. Well, then the explosions started. I am not kidding when I say the force of the smooth muscle in your guts is insane. You will never see it unless you are *lucky* enough to have part of it sticking out of your abdomen. Mind you, you can't feel it doing it. It's creepy. There are no nerve endings. So I don't know its leaking until it hits skin or I see it. Tonight I was lucky enough to have that pain in the ass spray 2 feet across the bathroom. More than once. Absolutely amazing and completely disgusting at the same time. There is nothing to do to stop it. It was everywhere. Like a gross horror movie.
So after showering, barely getting the new wafer on before it sprayed again, I had to bleach the bathroom. I'm living the dream. Some days, like today, it is so apparent that this is my life.
 I will never NOT have issues. I know that sounds so negative but even getting reversed to my JPouch will not be fool proof. If it was I wouldn't have this ostomy again. It's a crap shoot, so to speak, and some days it feels like I have a short term issue and I'm just waiting for it to resolve itself. But the truth is, I have an autoimmune disease, I'm missing a major organ that you need to live well and be healthy. NOTHING will replace my colon or do it's job. And most people don't realize how important digestion is to their health. They don't know the impact of IBD. I know I've said in the past but, I've had people ask me very confused HOW I was anemic. Shitting blood in ridiculous amounts for months straight isn't something that occurs to people and even if it did they don't really get how much damage it causes.

But to all my healthy readers, how horrible do you feel from one night of diarrhea? From a week of the flu? Run down. Weak. Fatigued. Hurting internally. Imagine that every day of your life. With blood. With abdominal pain that sears through you like a hot poker. It's devastating. It's debilitating. It can be embarrassing. I'm generally a pretty confident person, but I will say my ostomy reduces that. My weak, fatigued body reduces that. My poor body image from weight fluctuations reduces that. And for me that is huge. SO when I have to fight with an ostomy, and have it halt my life the way it can, I know pushing to get reversed is what I need. I can be in pain anywhere. I can deal with that. I've done it. When an ileostomy wafer blows, and you have a mess and you are in the car, in the mall, at the beach, in a plane, that's what is halting and what is beyond my scope of handling.

I've been dreaming of my reversal. I'm so miserable like this. Hoping to get scoped in April. If it looks good, I want my reversal as soon as my finals are done. I'll leave school and drive to the O.R.
Sorry for my long windedness. Sorry for being Josie Grossie. I guess sometimes I glaze over the reality and how much it can suck and I just needed to put this out there. I smile and live my life and TRY not to let this whole mess of my life hold me back. I think I do pretty well, but tonight just hit me too hard. When you have a moment when you are alone and feel humiliated to yourself, you know that's something big.
Live well everyone. Be well. Love your guts and don't take your health for granted. Don't take having nothing hindering you for granted. Thanks for reading. XO.

I'm giving everyone fair warning. I'm about to talk about some gross shit. As opposed to not gross shit I guess. Whatever.

It's been a month since I've written. The one fabulous thing I did was get LASIK!! OMG! So freakin' great. My eyes weren't bad to begin with but to me they were. I was about 20/40 and -2.50 in contacts. My last checkup was 20/10!!! It is unreal to wake up and be able to see, and shower and not be blind or me to think I'm going to get some bacterial infection every time I would shower with contacts in. Yes, I know, but it happens. So now I can SEE!! I have a part of my body that isn't failing and causing me issues. I don't even know what to do about it. Wow. And daughter #2 broke my glasses the day after surgery. And I didn't even care!! =)


*** Grossness beginning***

So aside from my spectacular vision,  I have had the usual nonsense with living with a temporary ileostomy. Trying to figure out how to slow my output so it's not nasty water pouring out of me but not so thick that it'll cause issues. Yeah, I haven't found the right fix yet unless you count eating potato chips everyday. No kidding. The lomotil I have as a Rx doesn't quite do it. The Imodium is a joke. But if I eat chips everyday I am the closest thing to comfortable as I can get. Sleeping with an ostomy bag full of liquid is impossible. It sloshes around. It weighs 2lbs. No joke. It is truly disgusting and you are aware of it for every single second you are trying to "relax" and get some sleep. It doesn't go together well, hence I'm a #tiredhag.
Traveling with an ostomy is a nightmare for me. We went away for spring break for a week and I have to plan and think about so many things with an ostomy. I have yet to find wafers that don't blow and leak constantly so needing to travel and carry with me enough supplies by guessing what I could possibly need is a lot. You can't get anything at a drugstore. So I get paranoid and half a suitcase is ostomy supplies. I came close to not having enough this time. I started to panic over the weekend and came up with a plan to contact an ostomy nurse at a hospital in town. It would have been my only option in a pinch.

My ostomy was at the forefront of my mind every minute I was away. At the beach(especially), while we spent the day at a theme park, when we went to dinner at my parent's friend's house. Dealing with an ostomy incident away from my house makes me crazy. It makes me neurotic and upset and just so AWARE that I have issues. I love the beach. I could park my ass in the sand for 5 days straight and be fine. It's not the same dealing with this. It's hard to handle a wafer blowout in the sand. My enjoyment level is down. I feel restricted in my life. I know so many of my IBDer friends have permanent ostomies that they chose, or in some cases, had no choice. And I commend them for their day to day. I am amazed by those that scuba dive, run marathons, go camping etc... I can't picture myself doing any of that. Not in my condition. Not with the skin issues I have, the wafer issues I have and the output I have. Some days I'm afraid to run to the store because my wafers have been leaking nonstop.
So vacation was fun. I LOVE going away but at the same time felt the impact of what I have going on with an ostomy. We went to Universal and I had an explosion before we got into the park. That doesn't set my confidence level very high for the day. I hate that. But I enjoyed Butter Beer in the World of Harry Potter. ;)

So we get to the last few days. My rectal spasms are back and are so uncomfortable. They bring me to tears and it takes A LOT of pain to bring me to tears. I've built up a pretty high tolerance for pain over the years. My skin is raw. It's weeping, it's bleeding. My output is water. (Keep in mind "they" say a good output is mush like oatmeal. Yeah, right. Maybe about an hour every few days if I eat chips consistantly.) So I've been going through wafers like crazy. I try to hold off changing them very soon even if I know I have fluid that has leaked under and is eating my skin. The tradeoff is my skin getting eaten off in one small spot, or my skin getting ripped off from the wax in a larger area.(The wafer is wax and it melts onto your skin to seal it. They are meant to stay on easily up to 5 days so getting one off after a few hours is horrible.) It all sounds so fun doesn't it?? Wooooo-friggon-Hooooo!
All of these supplies are VERY expensive so making them last is important. I spend way too much money on all these supplies. So sometimes I suffer through the pain of a leaking wafer just to get another day out of it. I know that sounds nuts but I've become so accustomed to some sort of pain or discomfort that it isn't a big deal anymore.
Well today was just the suck of the suck. Burning skin. Spasms. Water output nonstop. Those things and changing a wafer DO NOT MIX. On a good day, once I get the old wafer off I can get cleaned, prepped and a new wafer on in 60 seconds. On a day like today I have no chance against the power of the small intestine's peristalsis. It won't stop. And with it being all liquid it makes it impossible to get the area dry before putting the new wafer on. So tonight with my skin burning so bad I couldn't take anymore, I managed to peel the wafer off, taking some skin with it. Here's a nice visual.

 So my skin's bleeding. I'm trying to get everything ready with one hand and deal with my skin with the other. Well, then the explosions started. I am not kidding when I say the force of the smooth muscle in your guts is insane. You will never see it unless you are *lucky* enough to have part of it sticking out of your abdomen. Mind you, you can't feel it doing it. It's creepy. There are no nerve endings. So I don't know its leaking until it hits skin or I see it. Tonight I was lucky enough to have that pain in the ass spray 2 feet across the bathroom. More than once. Absolutely amazing and completely disgusting at the same time. There is nothing to do to stop it. It was everywhere. Like a gross horror movie.
So after showering, barely getting the new wafer on before it sprayed again, I had to bleach the bathroom. I'm living the dream. Some days, like today, it is so apparent that this is my life.
 I will never NOT have issues. I know that sounds so negative but even getting reversed to my JPouch will not be fool proof. If it was I wouldn't have this ostomy again. It's a crap shoot, so to speak, and some days it feels like I have a short term issue and I'm just waiting for it to resolve itself. But the truth is, I have an autoimmune disease, I'm missing a major organ that you need to live well and be healthy. NOTHING will replace my colon or do it's job. And most people don't realize how important digestion is to their health. They don't know the impact of IBD. I know I've said in the past but, I've had people ask me very confused HOW I was anemic. Shitting blood in ridiculous amounts for months straight isn't something that occurs to people and even if it did they don't really get how much damage it causes.

But to all my healthy readers, how horrible do you feel from one night of diarrhea? From a week of the flu? Run down. Weak. Fatigued. Hurting internally. Imagine that every day of your life. With blood. With abdominal pain that sears through you like a hot poker. It's devastating. It's debilitating. It can be embarrassing. I'm generally a pretty confident person, but I will say my ostomy reduces that. My weak, fatigued body reduces that. My poor body image from weight fluctuations reduces that. And for me that is huge. SO when I have to fight with an ostomy, and have it halt my life the way it can, I know pushing to get reversed is what I need. I can be in pain anywhere. I can deal with that. I've done it. When an ileostomy wafer blows, and you have a mess and you are in the car, in the mall, at the beach, in a plane, that's what is halting and what is beyond my scope of handling.

I've been dreaming of my reversal. I'm so miserable like this. Hoping to get scoped in April. If it looks good, I want my reversal as soon as my finals are done. I'll leave school and drive to the O.R.
Sorry for my long windedness. Sorry for being Josie Grossie. I guess sometimes I glaze over the reality and how much it can suck and I just needed to put this out there. I smile and live my life and TRY not to let this whole mess of my life hold me back. I think I do pretty well, but tonight just hit me too hard. When you have a moment when you are alone and feel humiliated to yourself, you know that's something big.
Live well everyone. Be well. Love your guts and don't take your health for granted. Don't take having nothing hindering you for granted. Thanks for reading. XO.

WEGO Writing challenge Day #10. --- Picture Perfect.

Here's the prompt---->

HAWMC Day 10: Wordless Wednesday!

It’s often hard to like pictures of ourselves – post your favorite picture of yourself.  

I rarely like a picture of myself, especially since getting sick. My hair is different, my face looks different, my body composition is different, all the weight fluctuations have created a skewed body image in my head. It sucks. Every once in a while I'll see a picture taken that reminds me of the 'old' me and where I think, "Ok, I look pretty good!". I don't know. My hair had grown in a bit and I had a good cut, most of my fat prednisone face was gone, my eyelashes look nice and it was date night! It's few and far between. Anyway, here's one from a while ago I really like..... 

HAHAHAHAHAH-- JUST KIDDING!!!! I do love leopard print shoes though. Ok, here it is for real! ;-)

Here's the prompt---->

HAWMC Day 10: Wordless Wednesday!

It’s often hard to like pictures of ourselves – post your favorite picture of yourself.  

I rarely like a picture of myself, especially since getting sick. My hair is different, my face looks different, my body composition is different, all the weight fluctuations have created a skewed body image in my head. It sucks. Every once in a while I'll see a picture taken that reminds me of the 'old' me and where I think, "Ok, I look pretty good!". I don't know. My hair had grown in a bit and I had a good cut, most of my fat prednisone face was gone, my eyelashes look nice and it was date night! It's few and far between. Anyway, here's one from a while ago I really like..... 

HAHAHAHAHAH-- JUST KIDDING!!!! I do love leopard print shoes though. Ok, here it is for real! ;-)

What's left behind..

So last week was Crohn's and Colitis Awareness week and if you are friends with me somewhere online you couldn't miss it because I didn't shut up all week. I try not to be overkill about what I've been through on FB or Twitter (Hence the blog. You can choose to hear it or not), but the fact is I have to be. I'm not whining or crying about it. I certainly don't want you to feel bad for me, and I am not resentful of normal people. It's just that people don't know what the IBD world is and it's upsetting to me. As much as I have no idea what chemo is like, I know about cancer and what the treatments do. Most people have no idea what Colitis or Crohn's is, much less what we go through, what our meds do, what the worst of our symptoms are. Yes, we have abdominal pain. It's not a tummy ache. It is extreme, bring you to the floor pain where you really think you are dying. And many times if the internal bleeding from ulcers is bad enough and you don't get transfused, you will. I would rather go through child birth than be in a flare. The blood loss is indescribable. It's scary. You literally look like a crime scene in the bathroom and it feels like your insides are ready to fall out. It's hard dealing with something and not have people not only not understand, but be completely ignorant to what it is. But enough about the gory stuff.
All last week I had an internal battle of happiness with myself. I have been on some serious meds since 2009 and they've altered me on the outside. My hair is different because it fell out in clumps and grew back so many times. The prednisone gave me moon face a handful of times. It's changed my face. I can't 100% say how, but it's there. I know I'm also 3 years older which isn't helping, but I look different. I'm not happy. I have never been a great beauty or anything but I was perfectly happy with what I saw in the mirror everyday. I don't look like anyone but me. And that's fine. But now I don't look like me. Then there's the havoc on the body. I'm currently 110lbs. I may as well be 210lbs. I hate how I look. I look at 110 and it feels gigantic compared to 95 or 100lbs. I can't get it out of my head. I looked like shit at that weight but compared to that, 110 is huge. Muscle tone gone from dropping weight so fast. The shape of my body is completely different. How I store fat and where, has changed thanks to the wonderful steroid Prednisone. Flares made me drop weight like you wouldn't believe. I could lose 10lbs in a week. I stopped looking at a scale because it was unreal. So, all that weight is falling off, muscle disappearing because I am too weak to use them. Then I go on high doses of steroids to stop the flare. The steroids make you hold water, distribute fat differently all the while giving you a nonstop appetite. Starving all day. So now I can finally eat, and the weight packs on, unnaturally, because of the steroids. Then I taper off and after months, the weight comes off, leaving a body that looks like a strangers. My scars don't bother me at all compared to how much the composition of my body has changed. Don't get me wrong, I may call myself a fat ass at least once a day, but I eat and don't actually act on it. I know I have developed a body image issue from the weight fluctuations. I had no problem eating McDonald's today. Food only stays in my body about 12 hours anyway so I don't gain anything. Hubs actually joked saying he can imagine models finding out how I don't gain weight without a colon and having theirs removed for vanity. It kind of stuck with me. Before I got sick I never realized how much your gut health affects everything.
As I sit here in my size 3 Levi's, bitching about my weight, I'm sure some of you hate me. That wasn't the point of this. I know I'm thin. I'd take some weight to have my 'old' body back. My hipbones stick out weird now. My ribcage too because there isn't a transverse colon across the bottom. Want to know what's horrible. My period cramps. I haven't had any since before I had Daughter #1. Now I feel like I'm 14 years old again, curled up and in misery. Well, all my baby maker bits are slightly in a different spot because my colon is not supporting them anymore. The colon only has millimeters of connective tissue between it and all the cash and prizes. That's why a colectomy can affect sex, conceiving and all that good stuff.
It's a long road. You think when you get a diseased part of your body removed you will just resume your life. You will feel a sense of relief and just pick up where you left off. It's not so simple. What this has left behind for me is still a struggle. It has switched to a more mental/emotional struggle than anything. My body heals faster than my psyche. I look and see something much different than everyone else. I always joke that I'm a fat/skinny girl. It's hard. It's hard to move on. It's hard not recognizing yourself over and over again. I'm hoping I've finished morphing. I seem to be holding steady. I don't seem to gain weight because food isn't in my body long. To be honest, if I start to, it's going to be really hard to deal with. I subconsciously wait for my jeans to be too tight. I wait for something else to change. My hair is still filling back in, although it's never been the same. I'm now considered healthy, but what becoming healthy has left behind is something else. This has taken me three days to write because I kept losing it while typing and couldn't see. Being sick was so much more than my guts. It changed all of me, inside and out.

So last week was Crohn's and Colitis Awareness week and if you are friends with me somewhere online you couldn't miss it because I didn't shut up all week. I try not to be overkill about what I've been through on FB or Twitter (Hence the blog. You can choose to hear it or not), but the fact is I have to be. I'm not whining or crying about it. I certainly don't want you to feel bad for me, and I am not resentful of normal people. It's just that people don't know what the IBD world is and it's upsetting to me. As much as I have no idea what chemo is like, I know about cancer and what the treatments do. Most people have no idea what Colitis or Crohn's is, much less what we go through, what our meds do, what the worst of our symptoms are. Yes, we have abdominal pain. It's not a tummy ache. It is extreme, bring you to the floor pain where you really think you are dying. And many times if the internal bleeding from ulcers is bad enough and you don't get transfused, you will. I would rather go through child birth than be in a flare. The blood loss is indescribable. It's scary. You literally look like a crime scene in the bathroom and it feels like your insides are ready to fall out. It's hard dealing with something and not have people not only not understand, but be completely ignorant to what it is. But enough about the gory stuff.
All last week I had an internal battle of happiness with myself. I have been on some serious meds since 2009 and they've altered me on the outside. My hair is different because it fell out in clumps and grew back so many times. The prednisone gave me moon face a handful of times. It's changed my face. I can't 100% say how, but it's there. I know I'm also 3 years older which isn't helping, but I look different. I'm not happy. I have never been a great beauty or anything but I was perfectly happy with what I saw in the mirror everyday. I don't look like anyone but me. And that's fine. But now I don't look like me. Then there's the havoc on the body. I'm currently 110lbs. I may as well be 210lbs. I hate how I look. I look at 110 and it feels gigantic compared to 95 or 100lbs. I can't get it out of my head. I looked like shit at that weight but compared to that, 110 is huge. Muscle tone gone from dropping weight so fast. The shape of my body is completely different. How I store fat and where, has changed thanks to the wonderful steroid Prednisone. Flares made me drop weight like you wouldn't believe. I could lose 10lbs in a week. I stopped looking at a scale because it was unreal. So, all that weight is falling off, muscle disappearing because I am too weak to use them. Then I go on high doses of steroids to stop the flare. The steroids make you hold water, distribute fat differently all the while giving you a nonstop appetite. Starving all day. So now I can finally eat, and the weight packs on, unnaturally, because of the steroids. Then I taper off and after months, the weight comes off, leaving a body that looks like a strangers. My scars don't bother me at all compared to how much the composition of my body has changed. Don't get me wrong, I may call myself a fat ass at least once a day, but I eat and don't actually act on it. I know I have developed a body image issue from the weight fluctuations. I had no problem eating McDonald's today. Food only stays in my body about 12 hours anyway so I don't gain anything. Hubs actually joked saying he can imagine models finding out how I don't gain weight without a colon and having theirs removed for vanity. It kind of stuck with me. Before I got sick I never realized how much your gut health affects everything.
As I sit here in my size 3 Levi's, bitching about my weight, I'm sure some of you hate me. That wasn't the point of this. I know I'm thin. I'd take some weight to have my 'old' body back. My hipbones stick out weird now. My ribcage too because there isn't a transverse colon across the bottom. Want to know what's horrible. My period cramps. I haven't had any since before I had Daughter #1. Now I feel like I'm 14 years old again, curled up and in misery. Well, all my baby maker bits are slightly in a different spot because my colon is not supporting them anymore. The colon only has millimeters of connective tissue between it and all the cash and prizes. That's why a colectomy can affect sex, conceiving and all that good stuff.
It's a long road. You think when you get a diseased part of your body removed you will just resume your life. You will feel a sense of relief and just pick up where you left off. It's not so simple. What this has left behind for me is still a struggle. It has switched to a more mental/emotional struggle than anything. My body heals faster than my psyche. I look and see something much different than everyone else. I always joke that I'm a fat/skinny girl. It's hard. It's hard to move on. It's hard not recognizing yourself over and over again. I'm hoping I've finished morphing. I seem to be holding steady. I don't seem to gain weight because food isn't in my body long. To be honest, if I start to, it's going to be really hard to deal with. I subconsciously wait for my jeans to be too tight. I wait for something else to change. My hair is still filling back in, although it's never been the same. I'm now considered healthy, but what becoming healthy has left behind is something else. This has taken me three days to write because I kept losing it while typing and couldn't see. Being sick was so much more than my guts. It changed all of me, inside and out.

So Giddy!! Kinda...

Well, well- I saw my surgeon today. Good news! We are moving ahead with the enema thing(if enemas can be good news), to check if my j pouch healed correctly and there are no issues. I'm very anxious and stressed about it, not gonna lie. Someone giving you an enema is not pleasant. It out right sucks. IBD sucks because it's generally a part of some treatment plans, or in my case, was needed when I was admitted and required a scope ASAP. No time to prep!! I'd take prep over a forced water enema while bleeding, and in pain ANYDAY!!!
So, as exciting as that is because it's one step closer to my reversal, it is still horrifying. Don't worry. I got my 5mg Valium script all ready to go to calm me the eff down. So, assuming everything is just swell in my newly, custom built 'semi-colon', we are on to scheduling surgery!! Humpty Dumpty Lisa is going to get put back together. Rock on!
Ideally, he'll be able to fit me into his schedule the first week of September so I can travel sans bag and not deal with the TSA(I have a previous blog about this concern).  Let's get real...there's no way that's going to happen. He's pretty busy. If I can't have surgery that first week than it will be after my trip. It won't kill me to wait, but I was looking forward to traveling without all my ostomy gear, in addition to, two kids. It would have been a nice early birthday present to be put back together!
So I haven't blogged in a bit as summer is winding down. Trying to fit some stuff in now that it's not 105 everyday. The 90s feel refreshing! Have had some great T storms. I never liked rain until I moved here. I love when it absolutely pours!
Here was the sunset the other night through the storm clouds.

It was a pretty cool sky. One of these nights I'll pull the serious camera out and try to catch some lightening. I swear.
It's so nice to feel 'normal'. My surgeon today said I looked so healthy. I feel healthy. I went for a walk/run the other morning. I seriously almost died. Full on respiratory failure pushing a jogging stroller. I'm such an out of shape fatty. I hurt for two days. It was *awesome*.  Once the next surgery is done I need to get on track.
I'm already stressed about my trip to NY. Vacation shouldn't be stressful leading up to it. I don't know where we are staying. Carseat and #2 sleeping arrangements are still up in the air. No plans are made. I have very little time to fit in what I want to do and who I want to see. STRESSED. Something's not right with that scenario. Hoping it all works out and comes together. I'm a planner. I can't stand not knowing what's going on. Makes me nuts.
We went to the pool the other morning before it got too hot (that might not make sense to a lot of people but 100 degrees is too hot to swim. Seriously). It was nice. #2 loves the water. Was testing out what # can do because I'm taking her to try out for the McKinney swim club. It's the one activity she really really enjoys and she's pretty good so I need to move on it. She's gotten LAZY! It's obnoxious.
Here's me at the pool, rocking my ostomy bag, decorated and in your face!!

It's amazing what a little zebra print duck tape will do! ;-) I am pasty looking... but I'm actually tan. Luckily I'm not anemic anymore because I can't afford to lose anymore color!
Ok, I'm off to watch a movie with my man.
Be confident. Don't let the little things get you down. Give yourself some credit and be your own cheerleader.
And to all the young(er) girls--- you are not fat. You are not ugly. One day when you are *old* and 34 like me, you will wonder when you got fine lines and why in the world you hated your body when you were 20! Enjoy it. Life is good. You're too young to hate what you see in the mirror. Love yourself or no one will love you like you deserve to be loved.
That's all. I'm out.
XO

Well, well- I saw my surgeon today. Good news! We are moving ahead with the enema thing(if enemas can be good news), to check if my j pouch healed correctly and there are no issues. I'm very anxious and stressed about it, not gonna lie. Someone giving you an enema is not pleasant. It out right sucks. IBD sucks because it's generally a part of some treatment plans, or in my case, was needed when I was admitted and required a scope ASAP. No time to prep!! I'd take prep over a forced water enema while bleeding, and in pain ANYDAY!!!
So, as exciting as that is because it's one step closer to my reversal, it is still horrifying. Don't worry. I got my 5mg Valium script all ready to go to calm me the eff down. So, assuming everything is just swell in my newly, custom built 'semi-colon', we are on to scheduling surgery!! Humpty Dumpty Lisa is going to get put back together. Rock on!
Ideally, he'll be able to fit me into his schedule the first week of September so I can travel sans bag and not deal with the TSA(I have a previous blog about this concern).  Let's get real...there's no way that's going to happen. He's pretty busy. If I can't have surgery that first week than it will be after my trip. It won't kill me to wait, but I was looking forward to traveling without all my ostomy gear, in addition to, two kids. It would have been a nice early birthday present to be put back together!
So I haven't blogged in a bit as summer is winding down. Trying to fit some stuff in now that it's not 105 everyday. The 90s feel refreshing! Have had some great T storms. I never liked rain until I moved here. I love when it absolutely pours!
Here was the sunset the other night through the storm clouds.

It was a pretty cool sky. One of these nights I'll pull the serious camera out and try to catch some lightening. I swear.
It's so nice to feel 'normal'. My surgeon today said I looked so healthy. I feel healthy. I went for a walk/run the other morning. I seriously almost died. Full on respiratory failure pushing a jogging stroller. I'm such an out of shape fatty. I hurt for two days. It was *awesome*.  Once the next surgery is done I need to get on track.
I'm already stressed about my trip to NY. Vacation shouldn't be stressful leading up to it. I don't know where we are staying. Carseat and #2 sleeping arrangements are still up in the air. No plans are made. I have very little time to fit in what I want to do and who I want to see. STRESSED. Something's not right with that scenario. Hoping it all works out and comes together. I'm a planner. I can't stand not knowing what's going on. Makes me nuts.
We went to the pool the other morning before it got too hot (that might not make sense to a lot of people but 100 degrees is too hot to swim. Seriously). It was nice. #2 loves the water. Was testing out what # can do because I'm taking her to try out for the McKinney swim club. It's the one activity she really really enjoys and she's pretty good so I need to move on it. She's gotten LAZY! It's obnoxious.
Here's me at the pool, rocking my ostomy bag, decorated and in your face!!

It's amazing what a little zebra print duck tape will do! ;-) I am pasty looking... but I'm actually tan. Luckily I'm not anemic anymore because I can't afford to lose anymore color!
Ok, I'm off to watch a movie with my man.
Be confident. Don't let the little things get you down. Give yourself some credit and be your own cheerleader.
And to all the young(er) girls--- you are not fat. You are not ugly. One day when you are *old* and 34 like me, you will wonder when you got fine lines and why in the world you hated your body when you were 20! Enjoy it. Life is good. You're too young to hate what you see in the mirror. Love yourself or no one will love you like you deserve to be loved.
That's all. I'm out.
XO