It's like this and like that and like this and ah...

So a few things. This is probably NOT going to be a shiny, happy post. Just warning. I'm a BITCH. First things first, yesterday was World IBD day and I posted and retweeted and what not which is fine bc all the other days of the year I do that too so it's cool. I was on a few sites and groups yesterday getting all bent out of shape. EVERY SINGLE THING was "bring awareness TODAY on World IBD day". "Wear your purple TODAY to bring awareness"... blah blah blah. Seriously. These are the same people who hide their illness, are ashamed of their scars, embarrassed by their ostomies and NEVER talk about their illness outside their locked down Facebook group. Hey, we all have our things. Not all of us are as comfortable with things as others are. I get it. BUT DON"T BLAST THE SHIT OUT OF THE INTERWEBS ONE DAY A YEAR IN THE NAME OF IBD AWARENESS. Because you blasting Twitter is NOT bringing awareness. The average person is not following #WorldIBDday. Bringing awareness to our illness is a DAILY job. You want people to "get" what IBD is about so bad? Do you really? Then open your mouth the OTHER 364 days a year in REAL life. I will guarantee I have enlightened more people this year NOT wearing purple and just by peppering my conversation with my struggle and NEVER hiding what I am, than you do wearing your purple that no one looks twice at. Wearing an ostomy bag to the beach and not hiding it will spark more conversation and offer more chances to inform and educate than posting meme's all damn day long on World IBD day. Don't get me wrong, I love that we have a day. But the point of that day is to be impactful!! Can we TRY to do that the right way going forward? All days? Ugh, sorry. I know I'm a bitch.

Here's my second issue. I am SICK and TIRED of being poked, prodded and tested. I mean just totally fed up. I went to the dentist today for a cleaning bc I've been putting it off. It's hard enough dealing with one thing. Dealing with my oral hygiene has not ranked up there lately. I brush multiple times a day, I floss daily. I'm not a negligent toothy person. But the dentist. Not urgent. Not when I have REAL issues. So I go and it was horrible. First off, my teeth have NEVER been the same since I've been sick. The steroids and the meds have ruined my teeth. Steroids destroy bone. My bone is lower in MANY spots under my gums from a few years ago. I have like 4 cavities and I think prior to getting sick I had 4 my whole life. So I had to schedule to go back for more torture with the cavities. In the meantime, my gums in the back were inflamed caused but me not going in for cleanings. It's just impossible to be as thorough brushing back there on your own apparently. So, I needed my gums LASERED today. Yeah. Freakin' smelled so bad. He was burning my face off. I was laying there just thinking, "This shit never ends with me". They got lasered so they could get at the tartar and bacteria that was beneath the inflamed part. So that was awesome. It didn't hurt because he numbed a lot with novacaine gel and what "hurts" for others isn't shit for me to flinch at anymore. BUT----I'm NEVER skipping a cleaning again. A little PSA- GO GET YOUR TEETH CLEANED!!!

Thirdly, I got set up for a surgery date for my second reversal. I am both excited and terrified. There's something really freaky about knowing what kind of pain you are in for. It is truly easier to be surprised by it. The determination hasn't been made about whether he's opening me up again, or going to be able to do everything local through my ostomy site. At this point I don't even care. What's getting cut open all the way for a third time? I basically have no feeling left around the scar so no chance making it worse. There are always risks no matter what. NOT being cut open doesn't even insure a faster recovery because last time my reversal recovery hurt. AND it was local through my ostomy. So flip a coin, doc. Let's do this. Five weeks from now and we are off. I'm having pain around my stoma site and pain passing output so I can't wait to get reversed. Even if I know how bad it's going to be.

I just have a lot going on in my head. Being chronically ill and always having in the back of your head that you'll need to get cut open again is exhausting. Truly exhausting. It's hard not to let it affect every day and the outlook I have in everything in my life. Recovery is exhausting. Pain kicks your ass. The last reversal turned into a slew of other problems which of course led to more complicated surgeries and another ostomy. Knowing that I'm basically going backwards into that situation again is hard because I can't help but have the little nag in my brain wondering if it's going to end up the same way in a vicious cycle of issues. Hoping not. Thanks for letting me vent.
---->> Get your teeth cleaned and don't take your health for granted. XO

So a few things. This is probably NOT going to be a shiny, happy post. Just warning. I'm a BITCH. First things first, yesterday was World IBD day and I posted and retweeted and what not which is fine bc all the other days of the year I do that too so it's cool. I was on a few sites and groups yesterday getting all bent out of shape. EVERY SINGLE THING was "bring awareness TODAY on World IBD day". "Wear your purple TODAY to bring awareness"... blah blah blah. Seriously. These are the same people who hide their illness, are ashamed of their scars, embarrassed by their ostomies and NEVER talk about their illness outside their locked down Facebook group. Hey, we all have our things. Not all of us are as comfortable with things as others are. I get it. BUT DON"T BLAST THE SHIT OUT OF THE INTERWEBS ONE DAY A YEAR IN THE NAME OF IBD AWARENESS. Because you blasting Twitter is NOT bringing awareness. The average person is not following #WorldIBDday. Bringing awareness to our illness is a DAILY job. You want people to "get" what IBD is about so bad? Do you really? Then open your mouth the OTHER 364 days a year in REAL life. I will guarantee I have enlightened more people this year NOT wearing purple and just by peppering my conversation with my struggle and NEVER hiding what I am, than you do wearing your purple that no one looks twice at. Wearing an ostomy bag to the beach and not hiding it will spark more conversation and offer more chances to inform and educate than posting meme's all damn day long on World IBD day. Don't get me wrong, I love that we have a day. But the point of that day is to be impactful!! Can we TRY to do that the right way going forward? All days? Ugh, sorry. I know I'm a bitch.

Here's my second issue. I am SICK and TIRED of being poked, prodded and tested. I mean just totally fed up. I went to the dentist today for a cleaning bc I've been putting it off. It's hard enough dealing with one thing. Dealing with my oral hygiene has not ranked up there lately. I brush multiple times a day, I floss daily. I'm not a negligent toothy person. But the dentist. Not urgent. Not when I have REAL issues. So I go and it was horrible. First off, my teeth have NEVER been the same since I've been sick. The steroids and the meds have ruined my teeth. Steroids destroy bone. My bone is lower in MANY spots under my gums from a few years ago. I have like 4 cavities and I think prior to getting sick I had 4 my whole life. So I had to schedule to go back for more torture with the cavities. In the meantime, my gums in the back were inflamed caused but me not going in for cleanings. It's just impossible to be as thorough brushing back there on your own apparently. So, I needed my gums LASERED today. Yeah. Freakin' smelled so bad. He was burning my face off. I was laying there just thinking, "This shit never ends with me". They got lasered so they could get at the tartar and bacteria that was beneath the inflamed part. So that was awesome. It didn't hurt because he numbed a lot with novacaine gel and what "hurts" for others isn't shit for me to flinch at anymore. BUT----I'm NEVER skipping a cleaning again. A little PSA- GO GET YOUR TEETH CLEANED!!!

Thirdly, I got set up for a surgery date for my second reversal. I am both excited and terrified. There's something really freaky about knowing what kind of pain you are in for. It is truly easier to be surprised by it. The determination hasn't been made about whether he's opening me up again, or going to be able to do everything local through my ostomy site. At this point I don't even care. What's getting cut open all the way for a third time? I basically have no feeling left around the scar so no chance making it worse. There are always risks no matter what. NOT being cut open doesn't even insure a faster recovery because last time my reversal recovery hurt. AND it was local through my ostomy. So flip a coin, doc. Let's do this. Five weeks from now and we are off. I'm having pain around my stoma site and pain passing output so I can't wait to get reversed. Even if I know how bad it's going to be.

I just have a lot going on in my head. Being chronically ill and always having in the back of your head that you'll need to get cut open again is exhausting. Truly exhausting. It's hard not to let it affect every day and the outlook I have in everything in my life. Recovery is exhausting. Pain kicks your ass. The last reversal turned into a slew of other problems which of course led to more complicated surgeries and another ostomy. Knowing that I'm basically going backwards into that situation again is hard because I can't help but have the little nag in my brain wondering if it's going to end up the same way in a vicious cycle of issues. Hoping not. Thanks for letting me vent.
---->> Get your teeth cleaned and don't take your health for granted. XO

Thankful November

There seems to be a thing going around on social media where every day someone writes something they are thankful for this month. The idea is great. Truly it is. I don't have the dedication or attention span to do something every single day like that. I tried the October photo challenge on Instagram and failed miserably. Day 5. Oh, Day 17? Ok.
I will say this for this post. I am thankful for a lot. Despite the shitty hand I've been dealt and continue to get dealt I have some very wonderful things going on. There are so many days it is hard to see them through the fog of pain, the reality of illness and doctor's appointments and focusing on the negative. I'm sick of being tired and in pain. I'm sick of not going to beautiful places and traveling. I miss the salt air. I actually miss working out. I hate running one errand and being wiped out for an entire day. Then there comes a day that pulls the veil and makes everything feel so wonderful and in that moment, I forget I have anything to bitch about to begin with.
As much as I'm thankful that I had many years without so much as a sprained ankle, migraine etc... the last few years have definitely made up for it. So I'm thankful for a pain-free childhood and lived my 20s like I had to burn myself out on purpose.
I have my supportive husband who puts up with all this drama, and me being crabby and in pain, and not fun on many occasions. We don't go on vacation because I suck. Our outings are short lived. I'm pretty useless with heavy lifting situations and I'm usually in a drug induced coma at night if Daughter #2 wakes up. I have two healthy, beautiful, perfect girls. They are goofy and crack me up. I have a great family that I don't see nearly enough because we are scattered all over the country. I have childhood friends that I will always have a bond with and no matter how much time or distance, I know they will always be there.
Since moving to Texas I've met some really great people. I have friends I've met through my kids and through my Husband and I love those couple of gals. They know who they are. I enjoy the sunshine almost everyday, and Daughter #1 loves her school and all her friends. If this state wasn't run by a bunch of conservative, Republican douchebags and was on the ocean it would be perfect.
Specifically, today I am thankful for the internet and my IBD struggle. Yes. Thankful. Friday I got to meet up with a fellow gutsy girl that I met online through a support page. We slowly formed a friendship and we came to realize some similar interests outside of our guts.
Both of us being JFK nuts was one of our common threads. We met to see the movie "Parkland" and seriously it couldn't have been a better way to transition to "real life" friendship. It was like we'd been friends for years. We went to lunch and we probably could have sat there for 3 hours shooting the shit about whatever. And yes, we DID talk about our issues, but the best part is we didn't HAVE to. In fact we talked about that at the very end. After lunch, she left and I wandered around some shops killing time before a doctor's appointment and I realized, at one point, I felt really light. I just felt GOOD. I mean, I was still in pain and what not but I felt this weird sense of completeness I haven't felt in a while. Then it struck me that this was someone that understood me on more levels than anyone I'd met or known in a long time. There wasn't just the our-kids-go-to-school-connection, or the IBD connection, or the our-husbands-know-each-other-connection. It was really that sweet spot of both of us having this illness that brought us together and yet, if that illness disappeared we'd still be cool. It was almost as if you have this friend and then you both get diagnosed with the same thing so you just "get it". But you can still just be because you each understand so you don't need to explain it. I don't know. I hope that makes sense. Whatever I'm saying is, I'm thankful for my IBD and the internet for bringing me to this point where I have this friend I never would have known otherwise. She's not the first "friend" I have now because of my illness, but she's the first I got to meet up with. I had a pretty shitty couple of days around that pocket of a couple of hours, but somehow it wasn't so bad. I won't even get into those details right now. Thanks, Casey. Glad to now really know you in real life, so when I say "my friend" it doesn't just mean a name or face in my laptop. So I'm thankful. =) Have a great day everyone. Happy Birthday to the USMC today and a big thanks to all the Veterans tomorrow.

There seems to be a thing going around on social media where every day someone writes something they are thankful for this month. The idea is great. Truly it is. I don't have the dedication or attention span to do something every single day like that. I tried the October photo challenge on Instagram and failed miserably. Day 5. Oh, Day 17? Ok.
I will say this for this post. I am thankful for a lot. Despite the shitty hand I've been dealt and continue to get dealt I have some very wonderful things going on. There are so many days it is hard to see them through the fog of pain, the reality of illness and doctor's appointments and focusing on the negative. I'm sick of being tired and in pain. I'm sick of not going to beautiful places and traveling. I miss the salt air. I actually miss working out. I hate running one errand and being wiped out for an entire day. Then there comes a day that pulls the veil and makes everything feel so wonderful and in that moment, I forget I have anything to bitch about to begin with.
As much as I'm thankful that I had many years without so much as a sprained ankle, migraine etc... the last few years have definitely made up for it. So I'm thankful for a pain-free childhood and lived my 20s like I had to burn myself out on purpose.
I have my supportive husband who puts up with all this drama, and me being crabby and in pain, and not fun on many occasions. We don't go on vacation because I suck. Our outings are short lived. I'm pretty useless with heavy lifting situations and I'm usually in a drug induced coma at night if Daughter #2 wakes up. I have two healthy, beautiful, perfect girls. They are goofy and crack me up. I have a great family that I don't see nearly enough because we are scattered all over the country. I have childhood friends that I will always have a bond with and no matter how much time or distance, I know they will always be there.
Since moving to Texas I've met some really great people. I have friends I've met through my kids and through my Husband and I love those couple of gals. They know who they are. I enjoy the sunshine almost everyday, and Daughter #1 loves her school and all her friends. If this state wasn't run by a bunch of conservative, Republican douchebags and was on the ocean it would be perfect.
Specifically, today I am thankful for the internet and my IBD struggle. Yes. Thankful. Friday I got to meet up with a fellow gutsy girl that I met online through a support page. We slowly formed a friendship and we came to realize some similar interests outside of our guts.
Both of us being JFK nuts was one of our common threads. We met to see the movie "Parkland" and seriously it couldn't have been a better way to transition to "real life" friendship. It was like we'd been friends for years. We went to lunch and we probably could have sat there for 3 hours shooting the shit about whatever. And yes, we DID talk about our issues, but the best part is we didn't HAVE to. In fact we talked about that at the very end. After lunch, she left and I wandered around some shops killing time before a doctor's appointment and I realized, at one point, I felt really light. I just felt GOOD. I mean, I was still in pain and what not but I felt this weird sense of completeness I haven't felt in a while. Then it struck me that this was someone that understood me on more levels than anyone I'd met or known in a long time. There wasn't just the our-kids-go-to-school-connection, or the IBD connection, or the our-husbands-know-each-other-connection. It was really that sweet spot of both of us having this illness that brought us together and yet, if that illness disappeared we'd still be cool. It was almost as if you have this friend and then you both get diagnosed with the same thing so you just "get it". But you can still just be because you each understand so you don't need to explain it. I don't know. I hope that makes sense. Whatever I'm saying is, I'm thankful for my IBD and the internet for bringing me to this point where I have this friend I never would have known otherwise. She's not the first "friend" I have now because of my illness, but she's the first I got to meet up with. I had a pretty shitty couple of days around that pocket of a couple of hours, but somehow it wasn't so bad. I won't even get into those details right now. Thanks, Casey. Glad to now really know you in real life, so when I say "my friend" it doesn't just mean a name or face in my laptop. So I'm thankful. =) Have a great day everyone. Happy Birthday to the USMC today and a big thanks to all the Veterans tomorrow.

Long and winding road....

Hey there. It's been some time since I've written. To be honest I just didn't want to write the same old crap because nothing has been changing. Life is still going on while I am still in pain, on meds, struggling through my days and trying to participate in life when I generally want to stay in bed. I have felt numb the last few months. Fed up with my issues. Feeling inadequate and like a failure. Feeling depressed and like a burden to my family. My two year old knows to find me in bed a lot. She's already used to the reality of her sick mom.
 Aside from summer life ending(pretty uneventful), potty training with Daughter #2,  Daughter #1 starting swim and school again, it's just been the same bullshit with me. It's really brought out the NY bitch in me quite a bit. I'm definitely no southern belle.

 One big, outstanding thing is that I had my Social Security Disability hearing in August and I won! Yep. After being denied since 2010 and being told I'm not sick despite surgeries, daily meds that make me less than able to function and chronic issues, I finally got in front of a judge who very quickly put forth judgement in my favor. I cried. It was a big deal. I'll finally be able to get some income while I'm figuring out how to get myself back in working order. The added stress of not contributing to my household didn't help my already unstable self worth. I'm not built to be dependent financially on someone. I'm just not that girl. I like my money. I like financial confidence. So this will help.
I feel like the fight went on forever. Redundant paperwork and bureaucratic nonsense. So obnoxious.
I've been having horrible abdominal pain aside from my other issues with the cuffitis and pouchitis. I am going to see some specialist at Baylor in Dallas as the meds and steroids are not doing much. And I'm basically immune to antibiotics at this point. I couldn't begin to count how many rounds I've been on over the last 4 years. It's nuts. There has been talk of a temporary ileostomy again to let my pouch and cuffitis get a time out and heal. So that surgery is looming on the horizon.
I had a CT scan last month which showed a mass and according to my colorectal surgeon it is nothing gut related so referred me to my Gyno. I got an ultrasound with my Gyno and apparently my left fallopian tube is blown up like a sausage and needs to come out. Yippee-- more surgery! I know.. everyone is so surprised. I'm going to run out of organs. A fallopian tube is about the size around as a piece of uncooked spaghetti. Mine is blown up to almost 2cm. 3/4 of an inch. So since she was going in for one, she was just going to take both. Apparently there is a lot of info out now showing that ovarian cancer starts in the tubes anyway and since I've had a tubal there's no point finding out why this is happening so we are just eliminating the problem. We also discussed my autoimmune issues, my dysplasia history and the fact that many women with IBD also have related female issues as a result. If I end up having more GI surgery it will increase my chances of adhesions and could lead to more pelvic issues so in the end my Gyno and I decided to clean me out. Everything but the ovaries are going because I'm so pre menopausal and it would be silly to put me on Hormone Replacement while I'm dealing with all these other meds. So I'm getting opened up AGAIN. Is it weird it doesn't bother me? Doesn't even phase me in the slightest.
When my Gyno saw the ultrasound she just matter of fact said she had to go in and get the tube out. I shrugged and said, "I figured". That's how nonchalant surgery and hospitalization is now. It's not even rational but it's my life.
I've been saying for a while that I'm used to pain. Well, it's not that I'm used to it as it's just such a normal part of every single day. It's expected. I'm used to it's presence not the actual pain. That sucks no matter what.
Pain changes you. It really does break down your spirit. So much of being sick isn't in the physical as it's in the mental fight. The fight to maintain yourself despite hurting, giving up activities and just all in all having your life become almost unrecognizable. I am, at times, unrecognizable. My lack of energy and lack of involvement in things is not who I am. Well, not who I was. It's a struggle and a process to not let your head stay in the "old" you. It's a process to accept and adjust to who you have become. It's hard to come up with the right words to explain that but for a long time who I was in my head did not match what my body had become. I'm 35 years old and that depresses the shit out of me. I can't just take off running. Firstly, I have zero muscle strength from my daily fatigue and not using my body. I am chronically dehydrated from that whole no colon thing. Pushing myself through the pain is the easy part. You do what you have to but it's just different when your body CAN'T. I mentally prepare for the littlest things. Things most people take for granted. Getting in and out of the car hurts. My sleep sucks and I'm up for hours every night. Getting groceries will wipe me out until the next day. It's stupid. Just 100% stupid.
I have many days I just cry at the realization that life just carries on. It is not stopping until I am healthy again. I'll be 36 this week. I'm not kidding when I say I have lost the last few years of my life. Those years haven't been mine no matter how hard I battled to control it and live it. The last 4 years have belonged to my illness. Hey, I'm playing the hand I'm dealt because that's all I can do, but I don't have to like my shitty hand. I haven't lived. I've been going through the motions the best I can given the circumstances. It's very upsetting. What's more upsetting are the people who are healthy and go through life the same way. They have no limitations, nothing holding them back but themselves yet they are content to not fully embrace everything. I'd trade one day with them at this point because I'm just so fed up. I'm ready to become bionic and be done with it.
So that's my update from the last month and a half. Just more twists and turns and yet, it's all the same. I'm not sure how that can be but it is. I want more. I'm not satisfied with what's going on. I'm not satisfied with the turns my life has been taking. It is truly hard to fight for more, for extraordinary, when it takes everything you have to fight to be normal. To go to dinner, to do a load of laundry, to blow dry my damn hair. Touring Europe really isn't in the cards when a 45 minute car ride wipes me out.
As I'm getting older the famous "Bucket List" is getting longer but I'm feeling less confident any of it will happen. And not to be an asshole, but I deserve it. This shit has been long, and exhausting and excruciating and I deserve a fucking yacht vacation in Greece and unlimited wine in Italy. So help me.... my road keeps winding and if it's the last thing I do, I'm going to pave it EXACTLY where I WANT it to go.
Hope everyone is well. Thanks for reading.
Read, love, share.
XO

Hey there. It's been some time since I've written. To be honest I just didn't want to write the same old crap because nothing has been changing. Life is still going on while I am still in pain, on meds, struggling through my days and trying to participate in life when I generally want to stay in bed. I have felt numb the last few months. Fed up with my issues. Feeling inadequate and like a failure. Feeling depressed and like a burden to my family. My two year old knows to find me in bed a lot. She's already used to the reality of her sick mom.
 Aside from summer life ending(pretty uneventful), potty training with Daughter #2,  Daughter #1 starting swim and school again, it's just been the same bullshit with me. It's really brought out the NY bitch in me quite a bit. I'm definitely no southern belle.

 One big, outstanding thing is that I had my Social Security Disability hearing in August and I won! Yep. After being denied since 2010 and being told I'm not sick despite surgeries, daily meds that make me less than able to function and chronic issues, I finally got in front of a judge who very quickly put forth judgement in my favor. I cried. It was a big deal. I'll finally be able to get some income while I'm figuring out how to get myself back in working order. The added stress of not contributing to my household didn't help my already unstable self worth. I'm not built to be dependent financially on someone. I'm just not that girl. I like my money. I like financial confidence. So this will help.
I feel like the fight went on forever. Redundant paperwork and bureaucratic nonsense. So obnoxious.
I've been having horrible abdominal pain aside from my other issues with the cuffitis and pouchitis. I am going to see some specialist at Baylor in Dallas as the meds and steroids are not doing much. And I'm basically immune to antibiotics at this point. I couldn't begin to count how many rounds I've been on over the last 4 years. It's nuts. There has been talk of a temporary ileostomy again to let my pouch and cuffitis get a time out and heal. So that surgery is looming on the horizon.
I had a CT scan last month which showed a mass and according to my colorectal surgeon it is nothing gut related so referred me to my Gyno. I got an ultrasound with my Gyno and apparently my left fallopian tube is blown up like a sausage and needs to come out. Yippee-- more surgery! I know.. everyone is so surprised. I'm going to run out of organs. A fallopian tube is about the size around as a piece of uncooked spaghetti. Mine is blown up to almost 2cm. 3/4 of an inch. So since she was going in for one, she was just going to take both. Apparently there is a lot of info out now showing that ovarian cancer starts in the tubes anyway and since I've had a tubal there's no point finding out why this is happening so we are just eliminating the problem. We also discussed my autoimmune issues, my dysplasia history and the fact that many women with IBD also have related female issues as a result. If I end up having more GI surgery it will increase my chances of adhesions and could lead to more pelvic issues so in the end my Gyno and I decided to clean me out. Everything but the ovaries are going because I'm so pre menopausal and it would be silly to put me on Hormone Replacement while I'm dealing with all these other meds. So I'm getting opened up AGAIN. Is it weird it doesn't bother me? Doesn't even phase me in the slightest.
When my Gyno saw the ultrasound she just matter of fact said she had to go in and get the tube out. I shrugged and said, "I figured". That's how nonchalant surgery and hospitalization is now. It's not even rational but it's my life.
I've been saying for a while that I'm used to pain. Well, it's not that I'm used to it as it's just such a normal part of every single day. It's expected. I'm used to it's presence not the actual pain. That sucks no matter what.
Pain changes you. It really does break down your spirit. So much of being sick isn't in the physical as it's in the mental fight. The fight to maintain yourself despite hurting, giving up activities and just all in all having your life become almost unrecognizable. I am, at times, unrecognizable. My lack of energy and lack of involvement in things is not who I am. Well, not who I was. It's a struggle and a process to not let your head stay in the "old" you. It's a process to accept and adjust to who you have become. It's hard to come up with the right words to explain that but for a long time who I was in my head did not match what my body had become. I'm 35 years old and that depresses the shit out of me. I can't just take off running. Firstly, I have zero muscle strength from my daily fatigue and not using my body. I am chronically dehydrated from that whole no colon thing. Pushing myself through the pain is the easy part. You do what you have to but it's just different when your body CAN'T. I mentally prepare for the littlest things. Things most people take for granted. Getting in and out of the car hurts. My sleep sucks and I'm up for hours every night. Getting groceries will wipe me out until the next day. It's stupid. Just 100% stupid.
I have many days I just cry at the realization that life just carries on. It is not stopping until I am healthy again. I'll be 36 this week. I'm not kidding when I say I have lost the last few years of my life. Those years haven't been mine no matter how hard I battled to control it and live it. The last 4 years have belonged to my illness. Hey, I'm playing the hand I'm dealt because that's all I can do, but I don't have to like my shitty hand. I haven't lived. I've been going through the motions the best I can given the circumstances. It's very upsetting. What's more upsetting are the people who are healthy and go through life the same way. They have no limitations, nothing holding them back but themselves yet they are content to not fully embrace everything. I'd trade one day with them at this point because I'm just so fed up. I'm ready to become bionic and be done with it.
So that's my update from the last month and a half. Just more twists and turns and yet, it's all the same. I'm not sure how that can be but it is. I want more. I'm not satisfied with what's going on. I'm not satisfied with the turns my life has been taking. It is truly hard to fight for more, for extraordinary, when it takes everything you have to fight to be normal. To go to dinner, to do a load of laundry, to blow dry my damn hair. Touring Europe really isn't in the cards when a 45 minute car ride wipes me out.
As I'm getting older the famous "Bucket List" is getting longer but I'm feeling less confident any of it will happen. And not to be an asshole, but I deserve it. This shit has been long, and exhausting and excruciating and I deserve a fucking yacht vacation in Greece and unlimited wine in Italy. So help me.... my road keeps winding and if it's the last thing I do, I'm going to pave it EXACTLY where I WANT it to go.
Hope everyone is well. Thanks for reading.
Read, love, share.
XO

Unexpected recovery.

Well, in my last post I talked about getting scoped to check for fistulas, fissures etc... Tuesday morning came and I was STARVING after being on fluids all day Monday.

Ready to go. A simple scope, right?

 I couldn't wait to eat after my scope. It's always one of my favorite meals because you realize how great food is after spending two days on chicken broth.

My view of the lights in the OR. Just hanging out, waiting. 

Well, imagine my surprise(horror) when I woke up from anesthesia in absolute, excruciating pain and in tears. Waking up crying isn't exactly normal. I was there alone b/c I've had so many scopes that it is nothing to me, so I had told Hubs to leave and just head back when they call that I'm in recovery. I was my surgeon's last procedure before he left to have his office hours and was still out when he checked in before he left. So in my fog, I heard the nurse say something about surgery, she handed me a Lortab and then said she was calling my surgeon. I was just laying there crying... Not to be completely ridiculous but it felt like someone drove a car up my ass. After 20 minutes the Lortab had done nothing. At that point I was wishing for post delivery pain from having my kids. Lovely. So I vaguely hear her on the phone. She returned like an angel with a push of Demerol for my IV, so within 5 seconds I was a happy and completely stoned girl. Hubs shows up and talks to my surgeon. He discovered a few issues while doing the scope. Ulcers and inflammation in the 1cm of what's left of my rectum and anal fistulas. Now, if you were a good student and googled 'fistulas' like I said, you would have found out that they are essentially an infection that burrows and fills with pus below the surface. As you can imagine, pockets of that can cause the extreme pain I had been dealing with for MONTHS.  Sexy, I know... settle down!! I am one lucky bitch!!
 So the only way to treat these disgusting things is to open them up and clean them out and let them drain. Antibiotics don't work. So, yeah. I woke up to that having been done to my ass. And he took a bunch of biopsies as well because of the inflammation. I'm actually kinda thankful he just did it while he had me there. The procedure cost $1200 so having had to go back and pay that again would have pissed me off. As it is I feel like someone should have paid ME for having to go through that shit. Just disgusting. I mean, prior to me getting sick I never even knew this kind of crap existed for people. I suppose that's why I talk about it.
Needless to say, my Norcos have been my best friend since Wednesday. Tuesday I was out for the count for the rest of the day which I'm used to. Anesthesia has always done that which I don't mind.
It has been pretty painful this week. Walking around is nearly impossible. Squatting, sitting... I can't lift for another week while this crap heals. I'm afraid to eat because you can imagine how fun going to the bathroom is with all that nonsense going on... so it's been pretty cool. Not at all.
So yeah, the last few weeks have really sucked. Last night I got the coolest message from a friend I haven't seen in years... He said my blog was like me- "honest and awesome". I have to say, that made my night. It's funny how you may think someone may not even consider you at all...and then have them say something so great like that. I don't know. It was just pretty cool. So, to my friend, thank you for that. =)

Trying to make recovery look easy.

I'm hoping the next few days has the pain tapering off. I see my Surgeon on the 3rd so I will get all my biopsy results back. He's assuming it will be Proctitis and not Crohn's like we feared. I'm just preparing for the worst anyway. It tends to make the reality easier. Regardless, this means I will be going on meds  of some type. Possibly a steroid. None of that is making me happy because the whole reason I went with getting gutted was to avoid pumping myself full of meds forever. <sigh> Such complete bullshit. Like really, that 1cm has to give me trouble after getting over 5 feet of guts removed. Ridiculous. Sneaky disease. I'm still going to shut you down. It might take me another 5 years. Whatever. But I'm going to win. I always win. ;-)
Thanks for reading... go out and run around and eat a bunch of food, and drink some beer for me, ok? Sweet! I appreciate it.

Well, in my last post I talked about getting scoped to check for fistulas, fissures etc... Tuesday morning came and I was STARVING after being on fluids all day Monday.

Ready to go. A simple scope, right?

 I couldn't wait to eat after my scope. It's always one of my favorite meals because you realize how great food is after spending two days on chicken broth.

My view of the lights in the OR. Just hanging out, waiting. 

Well, imagine my surprise(horror) when I woke up from anesthesia in absolute, excruciating pain and in tears. Waking up crying isn't exactly normal. I was there alone b/c I've had so many scopes that it is nothing to me, so I had told Hubs to leave and just head back when they call that I'm in recovery. I was my surgeon's last procedure before he left to have his office hours and was still out when he checked in before he left. So in my fog, I heard the nurse say something about surgery, she handed me a Lortab and then said she was calling my surgeon. I was just laying there crying... Not to be completely ridiculous but it felt like someone drove a car up my ass. After 20 minutes the Lortab had done nothing. At that point I was wishing for post delivery pain from having my kids. Lovely. So I vaguely hear her on the phone. She returned like an angel with a push of Demerol for my IV, so within 5 seconds I was a happy and completely stoned girl. Hubs shows up and talks to my surgeon. He discovered a few issues while doing the scope. Ulcers and inflammation in the 1cm of what's left of my rectum and anal fistulas. Now, if you were a good student and googled 'fistulas' like I said, you would have found out that they are essentially an infection that burrows and fills with pus below the surface. As you can imagine, pockets of that can cause the extreme pain I had been dealing with for MONTHS.  Sexy, I know... settle down!! I am one lucky bitch!!
 So the only way to treat these disgusting things is to open them up and clean them out and let them drain. Antibiotics don't work. So, yeah. I woke up to that having been done to my ass. And he took a bunch of biopsies as well because of the inflammation. I'm actually kinda thankful he just did it while he had me there. The procedure cost $1200 so having had to go back and pay that again would have pissed me off. As it is I feel like someone should have paid ME for having to go through that shit. Just disgusting. I mean, prior to me getting sick I never even knew this kind of crap existed for people. I suppose that's why I talk about it.
Needless to say, my Norcos have been my best friend since Wednesday. Tuesday I was out for the count for the rest of the day which I'm used to. Anesthesia has always done that which I don't mind.
It has been pretty painful this week. Walking around is nearly impossible. Squatting, sitting... I can't lift for another week while this crap heals. I'm afraid to eat because you can imagine how fun going to the bathroom is with all that nonsense going on... so it's been pretty cool. Not at all.
So yeah, the last few weeks have really sucked. Last night I got the coolest message from a friend I haven't seen in years... He said my blog was like me- "honest and awesome". I have to say, that made my night. It's funny how you may think someone may not even consider you at all...and then have them say something so great like that. I don't know. It was just pretty cool. So, to my friend, thank you for that. =)

Trying to make recovery look easy.

I'm hoping the next few days has the pain tapering off. I see my Surgeon on the 3rd so I will get all my biopsy results back. He's assuming it will be Proctitis and not Crohn's like we feared. I'm just preparing for the worst anyway. It tends to make the reality easier. Regardless, this means I will be going on meds  of some type. Possibly a steroid. None of that is making me happy because the whole reason I went with getting gutted was to avoid pumping myself full of meds forever. <sigh> Such complete bullshit. Like really, that 1cm has to give me trouble after getting over 5 feet of guts removed. Ridiculous. Sneaky disease. I'm still going to shut you down. It might take me another 5 years. Whatever. But I'm going to win. I always win. ;-)
Thanks for reading... go out and run around and eat a bunch of food, and drink some beer for me, ok? Sweet! I appreciate it.

Day #7 WEGO writer's challenge-- People have no filter.

So I was a bit negligent this weekend and missed a few days and here I am picking up on day #7.
Here are the challenge details---

HAWMC Day 7 – Sensationalize!

Say WHAT!? What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve heard about health or your condition? Where did you hear it and what did you think?

Do I really have to pick ONE ridiculous thing??? There's no way so I will just go ahead and throw a few out there. Note, my comments following would be written in a sarcasm font if available. 

* "Try eating more vegetables. If you eat healthier you'll have less digestive issues." Oh yes Obiwan. I should eat more fiber and ruffage and increase the activity in my ulcerated, bleeding and inflamed colon. Spot on!!! Why didn't my two GIs think of that? Hell, it could have been that easy!? It makes COMPLETE sense that my diseased guts would heal by sending rougher material through it. I feel like such a fool. :-/

* "Oh my god, THAT sucks. I would HATE to be that sick." Oh no, I freaking love it. Nothing like a week in the hospital for a good time. 

* "Try changing your diet." Yep. To what? Let me know what foods magically cure my immune system attacking my colon. 

* "You don't look sick."  This one is a classic among the IBD community. What does sick look like? Have you actually seen my colonoscopy pics? No? Well here, I'll show you what sick looks like from the inside. 

* "It's autoimmune? So you mean, like AIDS?"  That is a syndrome that develops from HIV. Nothing else is affiliated with your immune system besides AIDS. You guessed it. 

* "I wish I could not work and lay in bed all day." Oh do you? You wish you could have excruciating intestinal cramping where you can't stand up? You wish you had the arthritis that comes and goes where my knees feel like someone is stabbing them with a knife and my fingers hurt so bad I can't make a fist? Oh, you wish you were so anemic and malnourished that you can't stand up without blacking out and can't raise your arms over your head to wash your own hair? Really? You do? Hmmmm..that's an odd thing to wish for.

Those are just a few. People are ignorant and thoughtless. Do people really think that if something would work, we wouldn't TRY IT!!! If yoga could cure me, don't you think I'd be at a yoga studio 2 times a day, 7 days a week?? So frustrating. Even more reason to talk and tell my story and attempt to make people more familiar with IBD. 

I went out to a golf facility called Top Golf today. I used to golf a lot before I got sick. Afterward it was too painful to continuously twist and swing a club. It felt so great to do it and I felt so normal!!! Longest drive was only 103 but I'll take it!

Here's me! =)

Hope everyone had a great weekend!! Xo

So I was a bit negligent this weekend and missed a few days and here I am picking up on day #7.
Here are the challenge details---

HAWMC Day 7 – Sensationalize!

Say WHAT!? What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve heard about health or your condition? Where did you hear it and what did you think?

Do I really have to pick ONE ridiculous thing??? There's no way so I will just go ahead and throw a few out there. Note, my comments following would be written in a sarcasm font if available. 

* "Try eating more vegetables. If you eat healthier you'll have less digestive issues." Oh yes Obiwan. I should eat more fiber and ruffage and increase the activity in my ulcerated, bleeding and inflamed colon. Spot on!!! Why didn't my two GIs think of that? Hell, it could have been that easy!? It makes COMPLETE sense that my diseased guts would heal by sending rougher material through it. I feel like such a fool. :-/

* "Oh my god, THAT sucks. I would HATE to be that sick." Oh no, I freaking love it. Nothing like a week in the hospital for a good time. 

* "Try changing your diet." Yep. To what? Let me know what foods magically cure my immune system attacking my colon. 

* "You don't look sick."  This one is a classic among the IBD community. What does sick look like? Have you actually seen my colonoscopy pics? No? Well here, I'll show you what sick looks like from the inside. 

* "It's autoimmune? So you mean, like AIDS?"  That is a syndrome that develops from HIV. Nothing else is affiliated with your immune system besides AIDS. You guessed it. 

* "I wish I could not work and lay in bed all day." Oh do you? You wish you could have excruciating intestinal cramping where you can't stand up? You wish you had the arthritis that comes and goes where my knees feel like someone is stabbing them with a knife and my fingers hurt so bad I can't make a fist? Oh, you wish you were so anemic and malnourished that you can't stand up without blacking out and can't raise your arms over your head to wash your own hair? Really? You do? Hmmmm..that's an odd thing to wish for.

Those are just a few. People are ignorant and thoughtless. Do people really think that if something would work, we wouldn't TRY IT!!! If yoga could cure me, don't you think I'd be at a yoga studio 2 times a day, 7 days a week?? So frustrating. Even more reason to talk and tell my story and attempt to make people more familiar with IBD. 

I went out to a golf facility called Top Golf today. I used to golf a lot before I got sick. Afterward it was too painful to continuously twist and swing a club. It felt so great to do it and I felt so normal!!! Longest drive was only 103 but I'll take it!

Here's me! =)

Hope everyone had a great weekend!! Xo

Day #4 WEGO writing challenge.

Today’s Prompt:

• Create a “care page” – a list of your best resources that someone who is newly diagnosed could go to when starting to advocate for themselves or a loved one. Remember to include sites that lead to successful self-advocacy!

I know when I first started having symptoms WebMD became my life line. By the time I got diagnosed I had narrowed it down to Crohn's or UC. I went into my post colonoscopy prepared to be told it was one or the other. It made the news less damaging. When the GI said, "Left sided colitis", it was no surprise. I even knew a lot about the meds that were possibilities and when he put me on Asacol, I had already read about it. 

Being familiar with the words, and the terms didn't make me any more prepared for the LIFE. I felt very isolated and only told a few about my diagnosis. I needed to just carry on. If I told people, they may treat me differently and then it would impact my life. I wasn't ready for that. It really wasn't until my first hospitalization that I finally became more realistic that, UC was a big part of my life. I was sick. I had a DISEASE!!!! Me! A disease. It's hard to wrap your brain around. Once I was hospitalized, it woke me up that life was now different. I was different. In little ways I started to feel alone and defective. I started looking online and through Facebook for groups. I needed a connection with people who understood. I needed that community. What I found was some really great people. Being (pseudo) surrounded by others who are experiencing what you are is empowering. I stopped feeling defective and became stronger in my ability to discuss my issues. I went from thinking no one would understand to knowing there were thousands of people going through what I was and it allowed me to do something about the people I thought wouldn't understand. IBD is a difficult thing to just throw into conversation. In school today it happened. I had said that at one point I had needed 4 units of blood because I had lost so much during my flare, and a person asked, "Well how did you lose it". That's when you get to tell them that you shit blood. There's really no way to pretty that up. My number two's were always bloody? No, that doesn't dial in on the fact that blood literally POURS OUT OF YOU. Like holy shit, I'm going to bleed to death right now on the crapper. Yeah, so IBD is hard to put delicately and many people don't want to hear that. It makes it real. The reality can suck. 

So here is my list of FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC sites that are empowering and educating and supportive and welcoming and helped me to move forward to tell my story whenever I got the chance. Which is often! =) I hope it helps you cope and learn you have power in your story, or maybe you will pass them on to someone you know who just got diagnosed. Or maybe you are just curious. Either way.... check them out! Thanks for reading! 

Crohn's and Colitis Foundation of America

http://www.healingwell.com/

http://www.inflamed-and-untamed.com/

You and IBD

Girls with Guts

The Great Bowel Movement

Intense Intestines

Today’s Prompt:

• Create a “care page” – a list of your best resources that someone who is newly diagnosed could go to when starting to advocate for themselves or a loved one. Remember to include sites that lead to successful self-advocacy!

I know when I first started having symptoms WebMD became my life line. By the time I got diagnosed I had narrowed it down to Crohn's or UC. I went into my post colonoscopy prepared to be told it was one or the other. It made the news less damaging. When the GI said, "Left sided colitis", it was no surprise. I even knew a lot about the meds that were possibilities and when he put me on Asacol, I had already read about it. 

Being familiar with the words, and the terms didn't make me any more prepared for the LIFE. I felt very isolated and only told a few about my diagnosis. I needed to just carry on. If I told people, they may treat me differently and then it would impact my life. I wasn't ready for that. It really wasn't until my first hospitalization that I finally became more realistic that, UC was a big part of my life. I was sick. I had a DISEASE!!!! Me! A disease. It's hard to wrap your brain around. Once I was hospitalized, it woke me up that life was now different. I was different. In little ways I started to feel alone and defective. I started looking online and through Facebook for groups. I needed a connection with people who understood. I needed that community. What I found was some really great people. Being (pseudo) surrounded by others who are experiencing what you are is empowering. I stopped feeling defective and became stronger in my ability to discuss my issues. I went from thinking no one would understand to knowing there were thousands of people going through what I was and it allowed me to do something about the people I thought wouldn't understand. IBD is a difficult thing to just throw into conversation. In school today it happened. I had said that at one point I had needed 4 units of blood because I had lost so much during my flare, and a person asked, "Well how did you lose it". That's when you get to tell them that you shit blood. There's really no way to pretty that up. My number two's were always bloody? No, that doesn't dial in on the fact that blood literally POURS OUT OF YOU. Like holy shit, I'm going to bleed to death right now on the crapper. Yeah, so IBD is hard to put delicately and many people don't want to hear that. It makes it real. The reality can suck. 

So here is my list of FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC sites that are empowering and educating and supportive and welcoming and helped me to move forward to tell my story whenever I got the chance. Which is often! =) I hope it helps you cope and learn you have power in your story, or maybe you will pass them on to someone you know who just got diagnosed. Or maybe you are just curious. Either way.... check them out! Thanks for reading! 

Crohn's and Colitis Foundation of America

http://www.healingwell.com/

http://www.inflamed-and-untamed.com/

You and IBD

Girls with Guts

The Great Bowel Movement

Intense Intestines

Just some bitching.. I'm fired up!

I'm feeling crabby today so I'm going to do some bitching.

First of all, got a second denial letter from SSDI. It is a good thing they aren't a bank because you'd never be able to withdraw your own money. Once again they said that in all the time I was sick, being hospitalized, on tons of meds, getting blood transfusions, in severe pain, in the bathroom 20+ times a day, and requiring an entire organ to be removed, I should have had no problem maintaining FT work. And as long as I was following my doctors orders I was A okay. My doctor's orders weren't working, which is why the doctor's decided I needed to be gutted. Soooooo.... Riiiiggghhhtttttt... Delusional mother F*ckers. Mind you, I'm not applying for open ended disability. My attorney is seeking a closed window payment of the time I could not work from my first hospitalization until when I recover from this last surgery. I am well aware that I will be healthy enough to work after my recovery. In fact, you bureaucratic assholes, I welcome it. But don't tell me that I could have been working all this time no problem. I couldn't have and I didn't. But it's fine... you just hang on to MY MONEY that I have been paying into since I was 16 when I got my first job. You know, paying into it in case I ever need it. Like RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!! Yes, instead keep denying me...so now we need to appeal it, and go to court and take up court time and government employee time to go to court. That sounds like a much more efficient plan than JUST GIVING ME A SHORT TERM stipend of MY MONEY because I was/is unable to work due to a disease. Healthy people do not need organs removed in order to improve their life and thrive. AARRGHHHH...... So irritated. Seriously. HEADS UP THEIR ASSES.

My second rant comes a discussions going on in a Facebook group I'm in for Crohn's/Colitis. Basically it's discussing how people think they can give advice on how we IBD'ers can 'cure' ourselves and get rid of our symptoms. Now, that being said, we all know the average person is basically uninformed about general biology. The reason I make that statement is because it is proven to me again and again on a daily basis. People are ignorant. If they weren't, companies wouldn't be making millions of dollars off of people for quick gimmick weight loss pills/diets, or fat burning cream you rub on at night. Yeah, your body just doesn't work that way. So, how is it, that the average person suddenly becomes a digestive expert when you have IBD? Hmmmm.... that's weird? Oh, I need to lose weight and my disease will go away? Oh, I need to exercise more and my disease will go away? Oh, I need to watch my diet and my disease will go away? Such an interesting school of thought. But, ahh no. My disease went away when they TOOK THE DISEASED ORGAN OUT!!!!!!! People- keep your mouths shut about shit you know nothing about. You are not well read on autoimmune diseases (and NO they are NOT the same thing as AIDS so that's a great response when I tell you I have an autoimmune disease. Clever). Go back to being experts on the Kardashians, and 'Toddlers and Tiaras'. My GI spent years trying to get my disease under control with no success. But suddenly, you, who probably doesn't know the first thing about how your colon works, is going to give advice on my illness. The illness I'm living with, and have spent countless days reading and researching what was going on with my body. Reading about and trying every drug out there, who's side effects generally are worse than me dealing with UC. Yes, I'm sure if I ate more veggies I'd be swell. Too bad roughage is like the archenemy of IBD. But thanks! I'll consider your suggestion of green leafy veggies that will tear the shit out of my insides and make me run to the bathroom in 20 minutes where I will spend 3 days bleeding out my ass from your salad suggestion. Yes, by all means, preach it. It might work. Doubtful. You know what WOULD work?! If you listened to what an IBD'er is saying. If you didn't cut them off and say you understand b/c Taco Bell makes you shit your brains out. And maybe, just maybe, if you gave half a shit, you'd do some reading. Get some general knowledge about the human body. It is actually quite helpful to know how your body works, sick or not. But hey, what do I know. I just live it.

That is all.. I had more but I'm too crabby to even listen to myself rant. Maybe I should take that leftover Valium from my hypaque enema. Still having weird discomfort from that a week later. Discomfort is the wrong word.... How can I put this simply..... my ass hurts. Bad. You people with your anal sex are completely out of your effin mind. You must be masochists. Seriously. OMG.
Ugh--- ok, I'm sick of myself right now. Thanks for listening and sorry for the potty mouth today. I try to hide my sailor language tendencies online, but today it wasn't happening.
On the positive I got my haircut yesterday and I feel like a million bucks. Maybe 2 mill.
Cheers everyone.

I'm feeling crabby today so I'm going to do some bitching.

First of all, got a second denial letter from SSDI. It is a good thing they aren't a bank because you'd never be able to withdraw your own money. Once again they said that in all the time I was sick, being hospitalized, on tons of meds, getting blood transfusions, in severe pain, in the bathroom 20+ times a day, and requiring an entire organ to be removed, I should have had no problem maintaining FT work. And as long as I was following my doctors orders I was A okay. My doctor's orders weren't working, which is why the doctor's decided I needed to be gutted. Soooooo.... Riiiiggghhhtttttt... Delusional mother F*ckers. Mind you, I'm not applying for open ended disability. My attorney is seeking a closed window payment of the time I could not work from my first hospitalization until when I recover from this last surgery. I am well aware that I will be healthy enough to work after my recovery. In fact, you bureaucratic assholes, I welcome it. But don't tell me that I could have been working all this time no problem. I couldn't have and I didn't. But it's fine... you just hang on to MY MONEY that I have been paying into since I was 16 when I got my first job. You know, paying into it in case I ever need it. Like RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!! Yes, instead keep denying me...so now we need to appeal it, and go to court and take up court time and government employee time to go to court. That sounds like a much more efficient plan than JUST GIVING ME A SHORT TERM stipend of MY MONEY because I was/is unable to work due to a disease. Healthy people do not need organs removed in order to improve their life and thrive. AARRGHHHH...... So irritated. Seriously. HEADS UP THEIR ASSES.

My second rant comes a discussions going on in a Facebook group I'm in for Crohn's/Colitis. Basically it's discussing how people think they can give advice on how we IBD'ers can 'cure' ourselves and get rid of our symptoms. Now, that being said, we all know the average person is basically uninformed about general biology. The reason I make that statement is because it is proven to me again and again on a daily basis. People are ignorant. If they weren't, companies wouldn't be making millions of dollars off of people for quick gimmick weight loss pills/diets, or fat burning cream you rub on at night. Yeah, your body just doesn't work that way. So, how is it, that the average person suddenly becomes a digestive expert when you have IBD? Hmmmm.... that's weird? Oh, I need to lose weight and my disease will go away? Oh, I need to exercise more and my disease will go away? Oh, I need to watch my diet and my disease will go away? Such an interesting school of thought. But, ahh no. My disease went away when they TOOK THE DISEASED ORGAN OUT!!!!!!! People- keep your mouths shut about shit you know nothing about. You are not well read on autoimmune diseases (and NO they are NOT the same thing as AIDS so that's a great response when I tell you I have an autoimmune disease. Clever). Go back to being experts on the Kardashians, and 'Toddlers and Tiaras'. My GI spent years trying to get my disease under control with no success. But suddenly, you, who probably doesn't know the first thing about how your colon works, is going to give advice on my illness. The illness I'm living with, and have spent countless days reading and researching what was going on with my body. Reading about and trying every drug out there, who's side effects generally are worse than me dealing with UC. Yes, I'm sure if I ate more veggies I'd be swell. Too bad roughage is like the archenemy of IBD. But thanks! I'll consider your suggestion of green leafy veggies that will tear the shit out of my insides and make me run to the bathroom in 20 minutes where I will spend 3 days bleeding out my ass from your salad suggestion. Yes, by all means, preach it. It might work. Doubtful. You know what WOULD work?! If you listened to what an IBD'er is saying. If you didn't cut them off and say you understand b/c Taco Bell makes you shit your brains out. And maybe, just maybe, if you gave half a shit, you'd do some reading. Get some general knowledge about the human body. It is actually quite helpful to know how your body works, sick or not. But hey, what do I know. I just live it.

That is all.. I had more but I'm too crabby to even listen to myself rant. Maybe I should take that leftover Valium from my hypaque enema. Still having weird discomfort from that a week later. Discomfort is the wrong word.... How can I put this simply..... my ass hurts. Bad. You people with your anal sex are completely out of your effin mind. You must be masochists. Seriously. OMG.
Ugh--- ok, I'm sick of myself right now. Thanks for listening and sorry for the potty mouth today. I try to hide my sailor language tendencies online, but today it wasn't happening.
On the positive I got my haircut yesterday and I feel like a million bucks. Maybe 2 mill.
Cheers everyone.