I had a very disgusting night.

I'm giving everyone fair warning. I'm about to talk about some gross shit. As opposed to not gross shit I guess. Whatever.

It's been a month since I've written. The one fabulous thing I did was get LASIK!! OMG! So freakin' great. My eyes weren't bad to begin with but to me they were. I was about 20/40 and -2.50 in contacts. My last checkup was 20/10!!! It is unreal to wake up and be able to see, and shower and not be blind or me to think I'm going to get some bacterial infection every time I would shower with contacts in. Yes, I know, but it happens. So now I can SEE!! I have a part of my body that isn't failing and causing me issues. I don't even know what to do about it. Wow. And daughter #2 broke my glasses the day after surgery. And I didn't even care!! =)


*** Grossness beginning***

So aside from my spectacular vision,  I have had the usual nonsense with living with a temporary ileostomy. Trying to figure out how to slow my output so it's not nasty water pouring out of me but not so thick that it'll cause issues. Yeah, I haven't found the right fix yet unless you count eating potato chips everyday. No kidding. The lomotil I have as a Rx doesn't quite do it. The Imodium is a joke. But if I eat chips everyday I am the closest thing to comfortable as I can get. Sleeping with an ostomy bag full of liquid is impossible. It sloshes around. It weighs 2lbs. No joke. It is truly disgusting and you are aware of it for every single second you are trying to "relax" and get some sleep. It doesn't go together well, hence I'm a #tiredhag.
Traveling with an ostomy is a nightmare for me. We went away for spring break for a week and I have to plan and think about so many things with an ostomy. I have yet to find wafers that don't blow and leak constantly so needing to travel and carry with me enough supplies by guessing what I could possibly need is a lot. You can't get anything at a drugstore. So I get paranoid and half a suitcase is ostomy supplies. I came close to not having enough this time. I started to panic over the weekend and came up with a plan to contact an ostomy nurse at a hospital in town. It would have been my only option in a pinch.

My ostomy was at the forefront of my mind every minute I was away. At the beach(especially), while we spent the day at a theme park, when we went to dinner at my parent's friend's house. Dealing with an ostomy incident away from my house makes me crazy. It makes me neurotic and upset and just so AWARE that I have issues. I love the beach. I could park my ass in the sand for 5 days straight and be fine. It's not the same dealing with this. It's hard to handle a wafer blowout in the sand. My enjoyment level is down. I feel restricted in my life. I know so many of my IBDer friends have permanent ostomies that they chose, or in some cases, had no choice. And I commend them for their day to day. I am amazed by those that scuba dive, run marathons, go camping etc... I can't picture myself doing any of that. Not in my condition. Not with the skin issues I have, the wafer issues I have and the output I have. Some days I'm afraid to run to the store because my wafers have been leaking nonstop.
So vacation was fun. I LOVE going away but at the same time felt the impact of what I have going on with an ostomy. We went to Universal and I had an explosion before we got into the park. That doesn't set my confidence level very high for the day. I hate that. But I enjoyed Butter Beer in the World of Harry Potter. ;)

So we get to the last few days. My rectal spasms are back and are so uncomfortable. They bring me to tears and it takes A LOT of pain to bring me to tears. I've built up a pretty high tolerance for pain over the years. My skin is raw. It's weeping, it's bleeding. My output is water. (Keep in mind "they" say a good output is mush like oatmeal. Yeah, right. Maybe about an hour every few days if I eat chips consistantly.) So I've been going through wafers like crazy. I try to hold off changing them very soon even if I know I have fluid that has leaked under and is eating my skin. The tradeoff is my skin getting eaten off in one small spot, or my skin getting ripped off from the wax in a larger area.(The wafer is wax and it melts onto your skin to seal it. They are meant to stay on easily up to 5 days so getting one off after a few hours is horrible.) It all sounds so fun doesn't it?? Wooooo-friggon-Hooooo!
All of these supplies are VERY expensive so making them last is important. I spend way too much money on all these supplies. So sometimes I suffer through the pain of a leaking wafer just to get another day out of it. I know that sounds nuts but I've become so accustomed to some sort of pain or discomfort that it isn't a big deal anymore.
Well today was just the suck of the suck. Burning skin. Spasms. Water output nonstop. Those things and changing a wafer DO NOT MIX. On a good day, once I get the old wafer off I can get cleaned, prepped and a new wafer on in 60 seconds. On a day like today I have no chance against the power of the small intestine's peristalsis. It won't stop. And with it being all liquid it makes it impossible to get the area dry before putting the new wafer on. So tonight with my skin burning so bad I couldn't take anymore, I managed to peel the wafer off, taking some skin with it. Here's a nice visual.

 So my skin's bleeding. I'm trying to get everything ready with one hand and deal with my skin with the other. Well, then the explosions started. I am not kidding when I say the force of the smooth muscle in your guts is insane. You will never see it unless you are *lucky* enough to have part of it sticking out of your abdomen. Mind you, you can't feel it doing it. It's creepy. There are no nerve endings. So I don't know its leaking until it hits skin or I see it. Tonight I was lucky enough to have that pain in the ass spray 2 feet across the bathroom. More than once. Absolutely amazing and completely disgusting at the same time. There is nothing to do to stop it. It was everywhere. Like a gross horror movie.
So after showering, barely getting the new wafer on before it sprayed again, I had to bleach the bathroom. I'm living the dream. Some days, like today, it is so apparent that this is my life.
 I will never NOT have issues. I know that sounds so negative but even getting reversed to my JPouch will not be fool proof. If it was I wouldn't have this ostomy again. It's a crap shoot, so to speak, and some days it feels like I have a short term issue and I'm just waiting for it to resolve itself. But the truth is, I have an autoimmune disease, I'm missing a major organ that you need to live well and be healthy. NOTHING will replace my colon or do it's job. And most people don't realize how important digestion is to their health. They don't know the impact of IBD. I know I've said in the past but, I've had people ask me very confused HOW I was anemic. Shitting blood in ridiculous amounts for months straight isn't something that occurs to people and even if it did they don't really get how much damage it causes.

But to all my healthy readers, how horrible do you feel from one night of diarrhea? From a week of the flu? Run down. Weak. Fatigued. Hurting internally. Imagine that every day of your life. With blood. With abdominal pain that sears through you like a hot poker. It's devastating. It's debilitating. It can be embarrassing. I'm generally a pretty confident person, but I will say my ostomy reduces that. My weak, fatigued body reduces that. My poor body image from weight fluctuations reduces that. And for me that is huge. SO when I have to fight with an ostomy, and have it halt my life the way it can, I know pushing to get reversed is what I need. I can be in pain anywhere. I can deal with that. I've done it. When an ileostomy wafer blows, and you have a mess and you are in the car, in the mall, at the beach, in a plane, that's what is halting and what is beyond my scope of handling.

I've been dreaming of my reversal. I'm so miserable like this. Hoping to get scoped in April. If it looks good, I want my reversal as soon as my finals are done. I'll leave school and drive to the O.R.
Sorry for my long windedness. Sorry for being Josie Grossie. I guess sometimes I glaze over the reality and how much it can suck and I just needed to put this out there. I smile and live my life and TRY not to let this whole mess of my life hold me back. I think I do pretty well, but tonight just hit me too hard. When you have a moment when you are alone and feel humiliated to yourself, you know that's something big.
Live well everyone. Be well. Love your guts and don't take your health for granted. Don't take having nothing hindering you for granted. Thanks for reading. XO.

I'm giving everyone fair warning. I'm about to talk about some gross shit. As opposed to not gross shit I guess. Whatever.

It's been a month since I've written. The one fabulous thing I did was get LASIK!! OMG! So freakin' great. My eyes weren't bad to begin with but to me they were. I was about 20/40 and -2.50 in contacts. My last checkup was 20/10!!! It is unreal to wake up and be able to see, and shower and not be blind or me to think I'm going to get some bacterial infection every time I would shower with contacts in. Yes, I know, but it happens. So now I can SEE!! I have a part of my body that isn't failing and causing me issues. I don't even know what to do about it. Wow. And daughter #2 broke my glasses the day after surgery. And I didn't even care!! =)


*** Grossness beginning***

So aside from my spectacular vision,  I have had the usual nonsense with living with a temporary ileostomy. Trying to figure out how to slow my output so it's not nasty water pouring out of me but not so thick that it'll cause issues. Yeah, I haven't found the right fix yet unless you count eating potato chips everyday. No kidding. The lomotil I have as a Rx doesn't quite do it. The Imodium is a joke. But if I eat chips everyday I am the closest thing to comfortable as I can get. Sleeping with an ostomy bag full of liquid is impossible. It sloshes around. It weighs 2lbs. No joke. It is truly disgusting and you are aware of it for every single second you are trying to "relax" and get some sleep. It doesn't go together well, hence I'm a #tiredhag.
Traveling with an ostomy is a nightmare for me. We went away for spring break for a week and I have to plan and think about so many things with an ostomy. I have yet to find wafers that don't blow and leak constantly so needing to travel and carry with me enough supplies by guessing what I could possibly need is a lot. You can't get anything at a drugstore. So I get paranoid and half a suitcase is ostomy supplies. I came close to not having enough this time. I started to panic over the weekend and came up with a plan to contact an ostomy nurse at a hospital in town. It would have been my only option in a pinch.

My ostomy was at the forefront of my mind every minute I was away. At the beach(especially), while we spent the day at a theme park, when we went to dinner at my parent's friend's house. Dealing with an ostomy incident away from my house makes me crazy. It makes me neurotic and upset and just so AWARE that I have issues. I love the beach. I could park my ass in the sand for 5 days straight and be fine. It's not the same dealing with this. It's hard to handle a wafer blowout in the sand. My enjoyment level is down. I feel restricted in my life. I know so many of my IBDer friends have permanent ostomies that they chose, or in some cases, had no choice. And I commend them for their day to day. I am amazed by those that scuba dive, run marathons, go camping etc... I can't picture myself doing any of that. Not in my condition. Not with the skin issues I have, the wafer issues I have and the output I have. Some days I'm afraid to run to the store because my wafers have been leaking nonstop.
So vacation was fun. I LOVE going away but at the same time felt the impact of what I have going on with an ostomy. We went to Universal and I had an explosion before we got into the park. That doesn't set my confidence level very high for the day. I hate that. But I enjoyed Butter Beer in the World of Harry Potter. ;)

So we get to the last few days. My rectal spasms are back and are so uncomfortable. They bring me to tears and it takes A LOT of pain to bring me to tears. I've built up a pretty high tolerance for pain over the years. My skin is raw. It's weeping, it's bleeding. My output is water. (Keep in mind "they" say a good output is mush like oatmeal. Yeah, right. Maybe about an hour every few days if I eat chips consistantly.) So I've been going through wafers like crazy. I try to hold off changing them very soon even if I know I have fluid that has leaked under and is eating my skin. The tradeoff is my skin getting eaten off in one small spot, or my skin getting ripped off from the wax in a larger area.(The wafer is wax and it melts onto your skin to seal it. They are meant to stay on easily up to 5 days so getting one off after a few hours is horrible.) It all sounds so fun doesn't it?? Wooooo-friggon-Hooooo!
All of these supplies are VERY expensive so making them last is important. I spend way too much money on all these supplies. So sometimes I suffer through the pain of a leaking wafer just to get another day out of it. I know that sounds nuts but I've become so accustomed to some sort of pain or discomfort that it isn't a big deal anymore.
Well today was just the suck of the suck. Burning skin. Spasms. Water output nonstop. Those things and changing a wafer DO NOT MIX. On a good day, once I get the old wafer off I can get cleaned, prepped and a new wafer on in 60 seconds. On a day like today I have no chance against the power of the small intestine's peristalsis. It won't stop. And with it being all liquid it makes it impossible to get the area dry before putting the new wafer on. So tonight with my skin burning so bad I couldn't take anymore, I managed to peel the wafer off, taking some skin with it. Here's a nice visual.

 So my skin's bleeding. I'm trying to get everything ready with one hand and deal with my skin with the other. Well, then the explosions started. I am not kidding when I say the force of the smooth muscle in your guts is insane. You will never see it unless you are *lucky* enough to have part of it sticking out of your abdomen. Mind you, you can't feel it doing it. It's creepy. There are no nerve endings. So I don't know its leaking until it hits skin or I see it. Tonight I was lucky enough to have that pain in the ass spray 2 feet across the bathroom. More than once. Absolutely amazing and completely disgusting at the same time. There is nothing to do to stop it. It was everywhere. Like a gross horror movie.
So after showering, barely getting the new wafer on before it sprayed again, I had to bleach the bathroom. I'm living the dream. Some days, like today, it is so apparent that this is my life.
 I will never NOT have issues. I know that sounds so negative but even getting reversed to my JPouch will not be fool proof. If it was I wouldn't have this ostomy again. It's a crap shoot, so to speak, and some days it feels like I have a short term issue and I'm just waiting for it to resolve itself. But the truth is, I have an autoimmune disease, I'm missing a major organ that you need to live well and be healthy. NOTHING will replace my colon or do it's job. And most people don't realize how important digestion is to their health. They don't know the impact of IBD. I know I've said in the past but, I've had people ask me very confused HOW I was anemic. Shitting blood in ridiculous amounts for months straight isn't something that occurs to people and even if it did they don't really get how much damage it causes.

But to all my healthy readers, how horrible do you feel from one night of diarrhea? From a week of the flu? Run down. Weak. Fatigued. Hurting internally. Imagine that every day of your life. With blood. With abdominal pain that sears through you like a hot poker. It's devastating. It's debilitating. It can be embarrassing. I'm generally a pretty confident person, but I will say my ostomy reduces that. My weak, fatigued body reduces that. My poor body image from weight fluctuations reduces that. And for me that is huge. SO when I have to fight with an ostomy, and have it halt my life the way it can, I know pushing to get reversed is what I need. I can be in pain anywhere. I can deal with that. I've done it. When an ileostomy wafer blows, and you have a mess and you are in the car, in the mall, at the beach, in a plane, that's what is halting and what is beyond my scope of handling.

I've been dreaming of my reversal. I'm so miserable like this. Hoping to get scoped in April. If it looks good, I want my reversal as soon as my finals are done. I'll leave school and drive to the O.R.
Sorry for my long windedness. Sorry for being Josie Grossie. I guess sometimes I glaze over the reality and how much it can suck and I just needed to put this out there. I smile and live my life and TRY not to let this whole mess of my life hold me back. I think I do pretty well, but tonight just hit me too hard. When you have a moment when you are alone and feel humiliated to yourself, you know that's something big.
Live well everyone. Be well. Love your guts and don't take your health for granted. Don't take having nothing hindering you for granted. Thanks for reading. XO.

Long and winding road....

Hey there. It's been some time since I've written. To be honest I just didn't want to write the same old crap because nothing has been changing. Life is still going on while I am still in pain, on meds, struggling through my days and trying to participate in life when I generally want to stay in bed. I have felt numb the last few months. Fed up with my issues. Feeling inadequate and like a failure. Feeling depressed and like a burden to my family. My two year old knows to find me in bed a lot. She's already used to the reality of her sick mom.
 Aside from summer life ending(pretty uneventful), potty training with Daughter #2,  Daughter #1 starting swim and school again, it's just been the same bullshit with me. It's really brought out the NY bitch in me quite a bit. I'm definitely no southern belle.

 One big, outstanding thing is that I had my Social Security Disability hearing in August and I won! Yep. After being denied since 2010 and being told I'm not sick despite surgeries, daily meds that make me less than able to function and chronic issues, I finally got in front of a judge who very quickly put forth judgement in my favor. I cried. It was a big deal. I'll finally be able to get some income while I'm figuring out how to get myself back in working order. The added stress of not contributing to my household didn't help my already unstable self worth. I'm not built to be dependent financially on someone. I'm just not that girl. I like my money. I like financial confidence. So this will help.
I feel like the fight went on forever. Redundant paperwork and bureaucratic nonsense. So obnoxious.
I've been having horrible abdominal pain aside from my other issues with the cuffitis and pouchitis. I am going to see some specialist at Baylor in Dallas as the meds and steroids are not doing much. And I'm basically immune to antibiotics at this point. I couldn't begin to count how many rounds I've been on over the last 4 years. It's nuts. There has been talk of a temporary ileostomy again to let my pouch and cuffitis get a time out and heal. So that surgery is looming on the horizon.
I had a CT scan last month which showed a mass and according to my colorectal surgeon it is nothing gut related so referred me to my Gyno. I got an ultrasound with my Gyno and apparently my left fallopian tube is blown up like a sausage and needs to come out. Yippee-- more surgery! I know.. everyone is so surprised. I'm going to run out of organs. A fallopian tube is about the size around as a piece of uncooked spaghetti. Mine is blown up to almost 2cm. 3/4 of an inch. So since she was going in for one, she was just going to take both. Apparently there is a lot of info out now showing that ovarian cancer starts in the tubes anyway and since I've had a tubal there's no point finding out why this is happening so we are just eliminating the problem. We also discussed my autoimmune issues, my dysplasia history and the fact that many women with IBD also have related female issues as a result. If I end up having more GI surgery it will increase my chances of adhesions and could lead to more pelvic issues so in the end my Gyno and I decided to clean me out. Everything but the ovaries are going because I'm so pre menopausal and it would be silly to put me on Hormone Replacement while I'm dealing with all these other meds. So I'm getting opened up AGAIN. Is it weird it doesn't bother me? Doesn't even phase me in the slightest.
When my Gyno saw the ultrasound she just matter of fact said she had to go in and get the tube out. I shrugged and said, "I figured". That's how nonchalant surgery and hospitalization is now. It's not even rational but it's my life.
I've been saying for a while that I'm used to pain. Well, it's not that I'm used to it as it's just such a normal part of every single day. It's expected. I'm used to it's presence not the actual pain. That sucks no matter what.
Pain changes you. It really does break down your spirit. So much of being sick isn't in the physical as it's in the mental fight. The fight to maintain yourself despite hurting, giving up activities and just all in all having your life become almost unrecognizable. I am, at times, unrecognizable. My lack of energy and lack of involvement in things is not who I am. Well, not who I was. It's a struggle and a process to not let your head stay in the "old" you. It's a process to accept and adjust to who you have become. It's hard to come up with the right words to explain that but for a long time who I was in my head did not match what my body had become. I'm 35 years old and that depresses the shit out of me. I can't just take off running. Firstly, I have zero muscle strength from my daily fatigue and not using my body. I am chronically dehydrated from that whole no colon thing. Pushing myself through the pain is the easy part. You do what you have to but it's just different when your body CAN'T. I mentally prepare for the littlest things. Things most people take for granted. Getting in and out of the car hurts. My sleep sucks and I'm up for hours every night. Getting groceries will wipe me out until the next day. It's stupid. Just 100% stupid.
I have many days I just cry at the realization that life just carries on. It is not stopping until I am healthy again. I'll be 36 this week. I'm not kidding when I say I have lost the last few years of my life. Those years haven't been mine no matter how hard I battled to control it and live it. The last 4 years have belonged to my illness. Hey, I'm playing the hand I'm dealt because that's all I can do, but I don't have to like my shitty hand. I haven't lived. I've been going through the motions the best I can given the circumstances. It's very upsetting. What's more upsetting are the people who are healthy and go through life the same way. They have no limitations, nothing holding them back but themselves yet they are content to not fully embrace everything. I'd trade one day with them at this point because I'm just so fed up. I'm ready to become bionic and be done with it.
So that's my update from the last month and a half. Just more twists and turns and yet, it's all the same. I'm not sure how that can be but it is. I want more. I'm not satisfied with what's going on. I'm not satisfied with the turns my life has been taking. It is truly hard to fight for more, for extraordinary, when it takes everything you have to fight to be normal. To go to dinner, to do a load of laundry, to blow dry my damn hair. Touring Europe really isn't in the cards when a 45 minute car ride wipes me out.
As I'm getting older the famous "Bucket List" is getting longer but I'm feeling less confident any of it will happen. And not to be an asshole, but I deserve it. This shit has been long, and exhausting and excruciating and I deserve a fucking yacht vacation in Greece and unlimited wine in Italy. So help me.... my road keeps winding and if it's the last thing I do, I'm going to pave it EXACTLY where I WANT it to go.
Hope everyone is well. Thanks for reading.
Read, love, share.
XO

Hey there. It's been some time since I've written. To be honest I just didn't want to write the same old crap because nothing has been changing. Life is still going on while I am still in pain, on meds, struggling through my days and trying to participate in life when I generally want to stay in bed. I have felt numb the last few months. Fed up with my issues. Feeling inadequate and like a failure. Feeling depressed and like a burden to my family. My two year old knows to find me in bed a lot. She's already used to the reality of her sick mom.
 Aside from summer life ending(pretty uneventful), potty training with Daughter #2,  Daughter #1 starting swim and school again, it's just been the same bullshit with me. It's really brought out the NY bitch in me quite a bit. I'm definitely no southern belle.

 One big, outstanding thing is that I had my Social Security Disability hearing in August and I won! Yep. After being denied since 2010 and being told I'm not sick despite surgeries, daily meds that make me less than able to function and chronic issues, I finally got in front of a judge who very quickly put forth judgement in my favor. I cried. It was a big deal. I'll finally be able to get some income while I'm figuring out how to get myself back in working order. The added stress of not contributing to my household didn't help my already unstable self worth. I'm not built to be dependent financially on someone. I'm just not that girl. I like my money. I like financial confidence. So this will help.
I feel like the fight went on forever. Redundant paperwork and bureaucratic nonsense. So obnoxious.
I've been having horrible abdominal pain aside from my other issues with the cuffitis and pouchitis. I am going to see some specialist at Baylor in Dallas as the meds and steroids are not doing much. And I'm basically immune to antibiotics at this point. I couldn't begin to count how many rounds I've been on over the last 4 years. It's nuts. There has been talk of a temporary ileostomy again to let my pouch and cuffitis get a time out and heal. So that surgery is looming on the horizon.
I had a CT scan last month which showed a mass and according to my colorectal surgeon it is nothing gut related so referred me to my Gyno. I got an ultrasound with my Gyno and apparently my left fallopian tube is blown up like a sausage and needs to come out. Yippee-- more surgery! I know.. everyone is so surprised. I'm going to run out of organs. A fallopian tube is about the size around as a piece of uncooked spaghetti. Mine is blown up to almost 2cm. 3/4 of an inch. So since she was going in for one, she was just going to take both. Apparently there is a lot of info out now showing that ovarian cancer starts in the tubes anyway and since I've had a tubal there's no point finding out why this is happening so we are just eliminating the problem. We also discussed my autoimmune issues, my dysplasia history and the fact that many women with IBD also have related female issues as a result. If I end up having more GI surgery it will increase my chances of adhesions and could lead to more pelvic issues so in the end my Gyno and I decided to clean me out. Everything but the ovaries are going because I'm so pre menopausal and it would be silly to put me on Hormone Replacement while I'm dealing with all these other meds. So I'm getting opened up AGAIN. Is it weird it doesn't bother me? Doesn't even phase me in the slightest.
When my Gyno saw the ultrasound she just matter of fact said she had to go in and get the tube out. I shrugged and said, "I figured". That's how nonchalant surgery and hospitalization is now. It's not even rational but it's my life.
I've been saying for a while that I'm used to pain. Well, it's not that I'm used to it as it's just such a normal part of every single day. It's expected. I'm used to it's presence not the actual pain. That sucks no matter what.
Pain changes you. It really does break down your spirit. So much of being sick isn't in the physical as it's in the mental fight. The fight to maintain yourself despite hurting, giving up activities and just all in all having your life become almost unrecognizable. I am, at times, unrecognizable. My lack of energy and lack of involvement in things is not who I am. Well, not who I was. It's a struggle and a process to not let your head stay in the "old" you. It's a process to accept and adjust to who you have become. It's hard to come up with the right words to explain that but for a long time who I was in my head did not match what my body had become. I'm 35 years old and that depresses the shit out of me. I can't just take off running. Firstly, I have zero muscle strength from my daily fatigue and not using my body. I am chronically dehydrated from that whole no colon thing. Pushing myself through the pain is the easy part. You do what you have to but it's just different when your body CAN'T. I mentally prepare for the littlest things. Things most people take for granted. Getting in and out of the car hurts. My sleep sucks and I'm up for hours every night. Getting groceries will wipe me out until the next day. It's stupid. Just 100% stupid.
I have many days I just cry at the realization that life just carries on. It is not stopping until I am healthy again. I'll be 36 this week. I'm not kidding when I say I have lost the last few years of my life. Those years haven't been mine no matter how hard I battled to control it and live it. The last 4 years have belonged to my illness. Hey, I'm playing the hand I'm dealt because that's all I can do, but I don't have to like my shitty hand. I haven't lived. I've been going through the motions the best I can given the circumstances. It's very upsetting. What's more upsetting are the people who are healthy and go through life the same way. They have no limitations, nothing holding them back but themselves yet they are content to not fully embrace everything. I'd trade one day with them at this point because I'm just so fed up. I'm ready to become bionic and be done with it.
So that's my update from the last month and a half. Just more twists and turns and yet, it's all the same. I'm not sure how that can be but it is. I want more. I'm not satisfied with what's going on. I'm not satisfied with the turns my life has been taking. It is truly hard to fight for more, for extraordinary, when it takes everything you have to fight to be normal. To go to dinner, to do a load of laundry, to blow dry my damn hair. Touring Europe really isn't in the cards when a 45 minute car ride wipes me out.
As I'm getting older the famous "Bucket List" is getting longer but I'm feeling less confident any of it will happen. And not to be an asshole, but I deserve it. This shit has been long, and exhausting and excruciating and I deserve a fucking yacht vacation in Greece and unlimited wine in Italy. So help me.... my road keeps winding and if it's the last thing I do, I'm going to pave it EXACTLY where I WANT it to go.
Hope everyone is well. Thanks for reading.
Read, love, share.
XO

My trip to the 716...

I can not believe I didn't blog about my trip in NY!!!
Wow- I must be losing it. Or lost it already. Whatever.
I had a really great time. NO issues with the TSA. I even put out a challenge by wearing my 'Ask me about my Ostomy' tshirt.

Nothing. Hmmmm..it was definitely a positive way to start the trip.
I was so worried about having issues with a body scanner or whatever and I didn't go through one at all. I don't think. Hmmm.. I was pretty distracted with all my gear, the stroller, Violet, taking shoes off etc... that I guess I didn't notice. I tend to get way worked up about stuff and then find out it was overkill. I guess I'd rather plan for the worst than get blindsided.
I spent most of my time with family. Saw my Gram a lot and her party was so much fun. I spent way too much time gabbing with people I hadn't seen and  didn't get in enough pics or take enough pics and I'm kicking myself. I tend to do that sometimes. I need to learn to shut up.
I made sure to get Tim Horton's coffee daily, I ate a lot of kick ass pizza that I am already craving, and had homemade sauce and meatballs three different days!!! Can't beat that.
My kids had a ball, especially Dillan. She was loving every minute with my female teenage cousins. She's ready to be 16 and it's scary. She loved her time with Sarina, Miranda and Alissa.
It was a really great time. I was really sad to leave everyone. I grew up really close with my cousins Toni and Marisa.The two of them and my sister and me were all the same ages and spent a lot of time together. Went to the same high school.  Your cousins are your first friends... glad I have them and we are still relatively close even living far away.
I was there 6 days which always seems like a lot until you are trying to fit people in, and go do this, see this etc... I probably needed ten. I had so much time until I had none. There were some people I didn't get much time with as schedules are crazy. Ten days may work a bit better next time.
I got to spend the day with my best friend on her birthday with all our girls. We had a fun outing at a pumpkin farm where chaos ensued as it always does with us. Then we tortured the diners at my favorite Greek restaurant with us and our five girls. Hahahaha.... I love seeing Dillan with Janelle's oldest Jillian. They are a year apart and are us. Seriously. They haven't seen each other in two years and were off together in 5 minutes like they were never apart. I absolutely love it!! It's those moments I miss and wish I could get back there more. It's just such a financial fee to fly my two kids and me to Buffalo. And then I need a rental car. I need to worry about who has the room to board us. I hate feeling like I am inconveniencing anyone. It was really great staying at my Aunt's though. She was wonderful and I had a great time talking and spending time with her.
I could never imagine living back there though. I can't handle the cold anymore. It is so beautiful in the fall so I'm glad we went when we did. I'm going to try to plan something maybe for the summer. I love my family, and miss them. It's important to me that my kids has time with them and have them in their lives even if we are 1500 miles away!
Violet was perfect on the flight home. Traveling with the girls by myself was a lot easier that I imagined. It helped that we had an empty seat with us the whole way back so Miss VIP got her own seat to sit in. Worked out perfectly!!
The ostomy was pretty well behaved. Weird that I no longer have it. All the Italian food made my nights a bit uncomfortable as those damn acidic tomatoes had me up a few times a night. I shared a room with the girls and OMG I barely slept. Violet snores, and Dillan talks in her her sleep. That meant I was a tired, hag every single day I was there. By the time I got back and went into the hospital the next day, I was ready for a nap!!
I think I finally finished laundry and unpacking from the trip a few days ago. Between going in the hospital the day after we returned and then recovery, I realized it had been a while since we got back and I never even blogged about it! Here are some pics. Missing everyone already!
XOXO

 My girls having pizza down my the river in Lewiston.

 My girls and me with my cousins and my Gramma at her party. Missing my sister.

 The girls on the plane on the way back to Dallas. Southwest was so good to us.

 At the pumpkin patch. Love fall in WNY.

My cousins Toni, Marisa, Dom and me. Miss these hang outs.

I can not believe I didn't blog about my trip in NY!!!
Wow- I must be losing it. Or lost it already. Whatever.
I had a really great time. NO issues with the TSA. I even put out a challenge by wearing my 'Ask me about my Ostomy' tshirt.

Nothing. Hmmmm..it was definitely a positive way to start the trip.
I was so worried about having issues with a body scanner or whatever and I didn't go through one at all. I don't think. Hmmm.. I was pretty distracted with all my gear, the stroller, Violet, taking shoes off etc... that I guess I didn't notice. I tend to get way worked up about stuff and then find out it was overkill. I guess I'd rather plan for the worst than get blindsided.
I spent most of my time with family. Saw my Gram a lot and her party was so much fun. I spent way too much time gabbing with people I hadn't seen and  didn't get in enough pics or take enough pics and I'm kicking myself. I tend to do that sometimes. I need to learn to shut up.
I made sure to get Tim Horton's coffee daily, I ate a lot of kick ass pizza that I am already craving, and had homemade sauce and meatballs three different days!!! Can't beat that.
My kids had a ball, especially Dillan. She was loving every minute with my female teenage cousins. She's ready to be 16 and it's scary. She loved her time with Sarina, Miranda and Alissa.
It was a really great time. I was really sad to leave everyone. I grew up really close with my cousins Toni and Marisa.The two of them and my sister and me were all the same ages and spent a lot of time together. Went to the same high school.  Your cousins are your first friends... glad I have them and we are still relatively close even living far away.
I was there 6 days which always seems like a lot until you are trying to fit people in, and go do this, see this etc... I probably needed ten. I had so much time until I had none. There were some people I didn't get much time with as schedules are crazy. Ten days may work a bit better next time.
I got to spend the day with my best friend on her birthday with all our girls. We had a fun outing at a pumpkin farm where chaos ensued as it always does with us. Then we tortured the diners at my favorite Greek restaurant with us and our five girls. Hahahaha.... I love seeing Dillan with Janelle's oldest Jillian. They are a year apart and are us. Seriously. They haven't seen each other in two years and were off together in 5 minutes like they were never apart. I absolutely love it!! It's those moments I miss and wish I could get back there more. It's just such a financial fee to fly my two kids and me to Buffalo. And then I need a rental car. I need to worry about who has the room to board us. I hate feeling like I am inconveniencing anyone. It was really great staying at my Aunt's though. She was wonderful and I had a great time talking and spending time with her.
I could never imagine living back there though. I can't handle the cold anymore. It is so beautiful in the fall so I'm glad we went when we did. I'm going to try to plan something maybe for the summer. I love my family, and miss them. It's important to me that my kids has time with them and have them in their lives even if we are 1500 miles away!
Violet was perfect on the flight home. Traveling with the girls by myself was a lot easier that I imagined. It helped that we had an empty seat with us the whole way back so Miss VIP got her own seat to sit in. Worked out perfectly!!
The ostomy was pretty well behaved. Weird that I no longer have it. All the Italian food made my nights a bit uncomfortable as those damn acidic tomatoes had me up a few times a night. I shared a room with the girls and OMG I barely slept. Violet snores, and Dillan talks in her her sleep. That meant I was a tired, hag every single day I was there. By the time I got back and went into the hospital the next day, I was ready for a nap!!
I think I finally finished laundry and unpacking from the trip a few days ago. Between going in the hospital the day after we returned and then recovery, I realized it had been a while since we got back and I never even blogged about it! Here are some pics. Missing everyone already!
XOXO

 My girls having pizza down my the river in Lewiston.

 My girls and me with my cousins and my Gramma at her party. Missing my sister.

 The girls on the plane on the way back to Dallas. Southwest was so good to us.

 At the pumpkin patch. Love fall in WNY.

My cousins Toni, Marisa, Dom and me. Miss these hang outs.