So here's this Gym Class Heroes song called The Fighter. I absolutely love it. It actually chokes me up. It's about a boxer, (even though the video features an Olympic gymnast) but man, most of the lyrics are talking about me the last few years. Have a listen.
It's great isn't it? It makes me realize that whether people acknowledge it or not, I'm a fighter. I've been fighting daily for years. Even now, post colectomy, my fight continues. It's exhausting. I'm seriously beginning to think my fight is gone. Is that even possible. It's the night before my classes start up and I'm anxious. I need A's, no exceptions or else I retake Anatomy and Physiology to try again or don't move forward in the program. I'm afraid I don't have it anymore. In my brain I have a lot of things I want to accomplish, but it stops there. I should be happy and relieved that life is on a much healthier scale than it's been in years. I know that. I'm not taking it for granted. I still have issues that disrupt my days, my sleep, my eating. I have pain. But it's a different ball game now. Even so, I want to lie in bed. Just because I want to. Because I don't have to be there because I'm malnourished and anemic. I want to lay in bed and be lazy. By choice. But then I feel guilty because I'm pretty sure I told myself when I was balled up in the hospital in pain, a PICC line in my arm because all my veins were shot, that if I ever got healthy and beat this shit, I would never waste another day in bed again. In fact, I know I did. Yet here I am. My lazy ass slugging along. I have this idea that I want to run the CCFA Team Challenge marathon. Of course this depending on my foot healing but for arguments sake let's say it does.... I don't know if I have it in me to push myself anymore. When I was sick I had no choice but to force myself to go on. I somehow made it through days of seeing spots and almost blacking out, being in so much pain it takes your breath away, being too weak to lift a spoon to my mouth, or step up onto a curb. It's amazing the strength we have when THERE IS NO CHOICE. You just do it. Smile through pain and fear. Joke with the nurses when you are scared out of your mind. Take a deep breath as you are about to undergo another invasive test. Or 6 hours of IV infusion for a medicine that shuts your immune system down. And you joke when they can't get a vein, or it blows, or they hit a valve, or they just can't get it and they are rooting under your skin until you tell them to stop. You put your nose in the air when you see people looking at the bruises on your arms, and see how underweight you are and you know exactly what they assume. You keep going. The tears running down your face into your ears because you are lying there listening as they tell you that you need 2 more units of blood because the first two weren't enough.
Maybe that's all I had. I had a certain amount of fight and now my bank's empty. I don't know. Maybe I'm just tapped out for now. The surgeries this year were a lot. They shook me more than I let on day to day. It's not easy getting gutted. Now, when I have pain or discomfort it's just exhausting. Like, come on body... ENOUGH. <Sigh>. Some days I just don't have it in me to deal. It's heartbreaking after so long. Maybe I just need a fight refill? Recharge... Let's hope there's still some in there somewhere.
It's great isn't it? It makes me realize that whether people acknowledge it or not, I'm a fighter. I've been fighting daily for years. Even now, post colectomy, my fight continues. It's exhausting. I'm seriously beginning to think my fight is gone. Is that even possible. It's the night before my classes start up and I'm anxious. I need A's, no exceptions or else I retake Anatomy and Physiology to try again or don't move forward in the program. I'm afraid I don't have it anymore. In my brain I have a lot of things I want to accomplish, but it stops there. I should be happy and relieved that life is on a much healthier scale than it's been in years. I know that. I'm not taking it for granted. I still have issues that disrupt my days, my sleep, my eating. I have pain. But it's a different ball game now. Even so, I want to lie in bed. Just because I want to. Because I don't have to be there because I'm malnourished and anemic. I want to lay in bed and be lazy. By choice. But then I feel guilty because I'm pretty sure I told myself when I was balled up in the hospital in pain, a PICC line in my arm because all my veins were shot, that if I ever got healthy and beat this shit, I would never waste another day in bed again. In fact, I know I did. Yet here I am. My lazy ass slugging along. I have this idea that I want to run the CCFA Team Challenge marathon. Of course this depending on my foot healing but for arguments sake let's say it does.... I don't know if I have it in me to push myself anymore. When I was sick I had no choice but to force myself to go on. I somehow made it through days of seeing spots and almost blacking out, being in so much pain it takes your breath away, being too weak to lift a spoon to my mouth, or step up onto a curb. It's amazing the strength we have when THERE IS NO CHOICE. You just do it. Smile through pain and fear. Joke with the nurses when you are scared out of your mind. Take a deep breath as you are about to undergo another invasive test. Or 6 hours of IV infusion for a medicine that shuts your immune system down. And you joke when they can't get a vein, or it blows, or they hit a valve, or they just can't get it and they are rooting under your skin until you tell them to stop. You put your nose in the air when you see people looking at the bruises on your arms, and see how underweight you are and you know exactly what they assume. You keep going. The tears running down your face into your ears because you are lying there listening as they tell you that you need 2 more units of blood because the first two weren't enough.
Maybe that's all I had. I had a certain amount of fight and now my bank's empty. I don't know. Maybe I'm just tapped out for now. The surgeries this year were a lot. They shook me more than I let on day to day. It's not easy getting gutted. Now, when I have pain or discomfort it's just exhausting. Like, come on body... ENOUGH. <Sigh>. Some days I just don't have it in me to deal. It's heartbreaking after so long. Maybe I just need a fight refill? Recharge... Let's hope there's still some in there somewhere.
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