Day 1- The prompt has several facets. First, acknowledge your less desirable personal qualities. Second, reflect on how these qualities may have aided in your fight against IBD (no need to get too deep into this yet). And third, begin to consider how these qualities can be used to help raise your self-esteem and allow you to regain control of your life – or at the very least, learn how to control your reactions to the bad things that may come your way.
Some of my less desirable personal traits include impulsiveness at times, tendencies to be selfish and bossy. I am stubborn when the need presents which is often. I want what I want right now so impatience is a big one. I can be inappropriately sarcastic and quite bratty. I can be convincing to the point where it may be more manipulation than convincing. I am loud and obnoxious like it's my job. I have no shame. I am brutally honest usually without apologies.I give everyone a chance and if you screw up, that's it. If you burn a bridge with me I will never forget it, even long after the anger has subsided. "When someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them".
I suppose if you separate these traits they can be seen as pretty ugly. Coupled together, they have made me who I am and enabled me to not roll over and to fight through a few tough times and this life changing disease. Being selfish and bossy I never let a doctor talk me into anything I wasn't comfortable with including meds. If I had questions, they had to listen until I was done and if I wasn't satisfied I kept going. I never settled. If a med wasn't doing what I wanted it was time to try again. I refused to sit back and just let it all happen. I had a hand and a role in my treatment choices and disagreed freely with a doctor or surgeon at will. When I wasn't ready for surgery and they were trying to convince me, I said no way. It was going to happen on MY terms. I'm a brat. I never shut up about what I wanted, how I wanted it and what I thought may work best for me. I am not a sideline patient. I'm sure many nurses have cursed me, but oh well. When I have had hospital employees who I felt were just not appropriate in their jobs or their treatment of me as a patient, their supervisor was getting a meeting with me. Those 'negative' traits make me my own advocate.
My humor, and sarcasm helps me through the crap. It helps me cope. It is my outward expression in this disease when many people would have laid down and let it win. People always say my attitude is amazing. That is grounded with sarcasm, and my lack of shame. My stubborn tendencies will push me through until I'm 'normal' again. My brattiness misses my old life, and the nonstop things I did and want back. Talking about what I've been through and blogging is helping a lot. Manipulation? Nah, just convincing others and educating.
Day 2 Prompt: Approach a person unknown to you and compliment them. Make it totally random and be genuine.
Well, this one was easy for me because I do it quite often and not in that snarky, fake way either. I've never really been intimidated by other women. Everyone has their flaws, everyone thinks someone is prettier than them, or skinnier or whatever. If I hate my body, some other woman would kill for it. So, I have always just flat out said what I think. Last week leaving the doctor's, this woman had on this fabulous coral colored dress. Her skin was some exotic tan(not fake and bake) and OMG she POPPED!!! So I told her... I said, "I love that dress and that color is so amazing on you". Boom. Her jaw dropped. Then she smiled. That was it. I dind't feel the need to carry on superficially or say anything else. I just observed and commented. It made me feel good that I could be that way because quite honestly, she was a knockout. She was that woman that women generally hate... I hope I made her day. =)
Day 3 Prompt: Reach out to a friend or acquaintance who has been having a hard time, or perhaps a friend you haven’t talked to in a long time, just to say “hi, I’m thinking about you and wondering how you’re doing?”
This one is tough. I'm so caught up in my own nonsense that I forget about this. Between kids, and illness, and house and being hundreds of miles away from most of my close friends, it's hard to stay present in everyone's lives. There are a handful that no matter what, I can call and cry to, or can make me laugh until my stomach hurts(I don't mind now. A few weeks ago it would have sucked). I don't know why the phone calls can seem so tough to keep up on, when afterwards I feel so great hearing their voices. Life gets in the way but I need to stop and remember that life is empty without those people.
I guess a big reason I don't is probably because my illness consumed so much of my life that I really didn't have much going on to talk about. I wasn't traveling or working. #1 had school and I started school but who the hell wants to talk to me about my classes. I didn't feel I had much to add to the conversation. I was just sick and in pain daily, and didn't do much of anything. I was kind of lame. Plus, I feel so foreign with my ostomy that it's almost like I'm an outsider. I don't revel in shopping or dressing like I used to. I am more self conscious than every before. It's pretty gross for the most part. I need to get past it. I know it'll get better and my connections will become more forefront in my life again.
Day 4 Prompt: Think back to a time when you were really sick, stuck in bed or in the hospital, and try to remember one thing that you really, really wanted to do, but couldn’t. What was that thing? Are you able to do it now? If so, take whatever that thing is and make a plan for how you can start putting thought into action.
I would have to say with this one, the one thing I really wanted to do and couldn't was eat a proper meal without being tore up for 4 days. I was raised around great cooks and appreciate a great meal. This disease took out something that I enjoyed. A great meal, some wine, friends.... All three were eradicated from my reality. Now that I have my ileo, I enjoy food again and don't think twice. I forgot how nice it is just to eat and not weigh the consequences or brace myself for a liquid diet for a week, or needing pain pills to sleep because I ate a vegetable. It opened my eyes to how much we abuse our bodies and take for granted what works. I see people shovel disgusting, horrible foods into their bodies and cringe. I know how hard their guts are about to work. They don't feel it, but when you have IBD and thousands of ulcers in your gut, you feel every second they are working to move and process food. It is a big life changer to feel the impact in terms of pain, blood, and physical reaction.
Day 5 Prompt: You’ve already made a list of your negative qualities and how they’ve helped you through IBD. Now make a list of your positive qualities and pick the one you feel most exemplifies who you are today and why it makes you proud.
This one is easy for me. I named my blog 'Gutsy Broad' for two reasons. #1 a play on my UC and #2 b/c I'm gutsy. Ballsy. Always have been. My strength walks in the room ahead of me. Not much intimidates me. Situations, people, the unknown. I fight for what I want. I don't take shit. I had a crap ass first marriage that I walked from to be a strong role model for my daughter and a horrible divorce and custody battle that followed. I fought. One thing I never wanted was for my daughter to see me weak, or see me compromise myself or my self respect. If that meant making a tough choice, so be it.
It was the same with this illness. Did I have moments where I cried, and said I couldn't do it? Absolutely. Those moments passed and I moved on, carried on. I opted to be opened up and gutted at my urging. Many, many people have been sick years longer than me and can't do it. It never scared me.
If I want it, I'm going to make it happen. I've held it together through the pain, unknown, and anxiety. I went back to school FT flaring daily and only missed 3 days all semester. There were mornings I had to force myself to get out of bed and MOVE. It took all I had. But this broad isn't giving up that easily. I'm happy to be the ballsy, gutsy broad that I am. Doormat, I am not!
Days 6 and 7 Prompt: What does it mean to you to FIGHT IBD? Do you feel that fighting to defy IBD places a lot of pressure on you? Do you feel the idea that IBD shouldn’t stop you from doing anything is offensive in any way? How would you characterize your own experience with IBD and do you think you’ve gained some good qualities or aspects in your life BECAUSE you have it??
To me, fighting IBD is not stopping or giving up on what your what your life to be. No quitting, no settling. Things may be horrible but you keep going. My illness doesn't define me. I'm not Lisa with UC. I don't wear it on my sleeve but I won't cower from informing people. I don't use it for sympathy. I don't use it as a crutch or a cop out. It's inconveniencing but me fighting it, isn't letting it win and overshadow my life. At times IBD has slowed me, but never stopped me. It has altered life, and the options I make but I take it on as a challenge. Healthy people say they can't do something... well, if I can do it with an autoimmune disease then they have no excuse. Having this disease has made me understand my body more than anything else. I'm more aware of how things work. It has also taught me to never settle. I may have stuck with a crappy doc for a while before I was diagnosed, but never now. I hired them..they do the job or don't. They want the best for me or I find someone who does. I don't regret going through this. I've gained a lot of insight into life.
Day 8 Prompt: It may seem silly or childish, but try decorating one of your ostomy pouches – or have your children decorate some if you’re a parent. It may not seem like much, but having a few extra smiles each day when you look down can’t be a bad thing, right?
I have done this a few times, but only took one picture. I've had #1 decorate two. Now that I'm using disposables it's not the same.
Here it is.
Day 9 Prompt: For many ostomates, disguising our pouches is an almost constant concern. We worry that others will either catch a glimpse of our bags or see the outlines or both. It’s hard for us to accept that most people are probably not paying attention to our bellies because to us the bag is so obvious. Therefore, for one day (that will hopefully turn into two, then three, then four, etc.) I challenge myself to not look down to see if my pouch is noticeable when I’m in public. Can you do the same?”
This one is VERY tough for me. I am constantly checking, feeling etc...so paranoid ALL the time. ESPECIALLY when I'm in normal clothes (not comfy pants and t shirt). Once it has the littlest bit in it, I get even worse. Dresses and skirts work best for full camo because it doesn't affect a waistline. My bag switch has definitely helped me feel more confident though. The first month was brutal. It just feels so completely unnatural in every way.For the most part I think it's well hidden. I always ask Hubs if he can see it. I guess because I know it's there, I assume everyone knows there's something there. We all know what happens when you assume. =)
I'm feeling a little better daily. I swear I've seen people look, but it's probably in my head. If it's a new bag and empty I don't even look down anymore. I usually wear a right tank under everything to keep it somewhat flattened and smoothed out. I notice the bag when I don't. It's hard to layer in Texas summer weather.
Getting better. I guess I shouldn't feel so self conscious. Have you seen some of the outfits on people!!!!??? And I'm worried about me? I need to stop it! =)
Okay everyone. I'm caught up. =)I'll be posting with day 10 shortly!!
Thanks for reading.
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