#sickmomfail

Guilt. So much guilt comes with being chronically sick and in pain. This is the summer of #sickmomfail. Last summer I was recovering from surgery. This summer was supposed to be my "all in" summer. Nope. In pain. Stoned on pain meds. Laying on my bed playing word games on my phone. I can't imagine being sick like this prior to the digital age. I would have gone nuts. Daughter #1 loves to just GO... and I'm in park. As in parked on my sore ass. I feel like my chronic lameness makes her sad. I know she gets so disappointed. I hate it. I hate not being me. I feel trapped in a body that is defying me. I'm not eating much. I feel lethargic from meds. But let me back up a minute.
I left off needing to see my surgeon about my biopsy and scope results.  So I went last Wednesday and naturally there couldn't be good news. The basic rundown is as follows: I have Pouchitis in my JPouch. I have inflammation and ulceration of the 1cm that's left of my rectum, called the rectal cuff. So it's Cuffitis. My fistula that was opened is still healing and open and painful. And the cherry on top is that I have dysplasia somewhere up in there. By the time he got to that I was upset and didn't get the specifics of where. For those who don't know, dysplasia is abnormal cell growth. Often it is precancerous in nature so the area needs to be taken care of so it doesn't progress to cancer. For those that haven't been reading my blog, I had advanced cervical dysplasia over about 50% of my cervix in 2011 and had to have the area scraped away to prevent it from manifesting into cancer. So now I'm dealing with it somewhere else. Seriously..I have zero shame and modesty left. This must be how porn stars feel... nothing left to hide. So, now my surgeon wants to confer with some super specialist and double check the labs and maybe re-scope me and take new biopsies. HOW FUN!!! WoooooHoooooo! What a fan-fucking-tastic summer so far.
So, now I'm back on a steroid three times a day. This time Entocort. So far I don't notice much change other than the night sweats and being on edge 24/7. I'm used to being on Prednisone which kicks in fast so I know I'm being impatient. I'm also using a nightly suppository which is just a regular party in my ass. Yeah--- so painful, open wound ass and I need to put that through that. It SUCKS. Big time. It's hard too. Like plastic. So all you "I do anal stuff for sexy fun" people are OUT OF YOUR DAMN MINDS. Holy shit. Never.
I'm also still taking Norco for pain and Flagyl for the pouchitis. So, that's my day. Pill popping. Barely eating because it's just not worth it right now. It is truly a big struggle to pull myself together and be normal. I'm not succeeding. I feel useless. I am sad. I hate disappointing my kids. Lots of movies with Daughter #1. I feel so guilty not being 100%. I would love to run around. Can't swim because of the fistula healing. Can't ride bikes. Hurts to move a whole lot. Hurts to sit. The pain pills that normally knock me out at night are now fighting against the steroid induced night sweats. That's a lot of fun. :-/
My big outings have been a swim meet, fireworks on the 4th and the drive in movie. The last two I was parked in the back of Hub's truck trying to stay comfortable. Not an easy thing to do. So yeah. It's been tough. I need to find out where we go from here. I will have to be scoped again and they will need to surgically remove all the precancer cells and then monitor me. For now just trying to get rid of the pouchitis and treat the cuffitis that is causing me pain and issues. And I'm starving. I love food and this sucks. I had some rice yesterday and some marshmallows. I think that's it. But I had made a tomato cream sauce the night before and ate it and was in MISERY all that night into yesterday so that makes me pull back on eating. I knew acidic tomato would be bad, but I just wanted to EAT! It's really hard to cook and NOT eat what you made. It was yummy but it made me want to die for 6-12 hours later. NOT WORTH IT! But I'll do it again. It's hard just not eating what you like. Or cooking one thing and knowing you are eating something lame. It erases any motivation to make something. So at 4pm when I have no dinner plan, it sucks. I know all IBDers struggle with this. We just want something real and want what we want. If we feel ok we push the envelope and we suffer. I'm no exception. My diet is crap. Many fruits are bad. Most vegetables. I could live on potato chips and junk and be fine. One helping of something healthy and I'm in misery. I never thought I'd miss salad so much. And broccoli. It's ridiculous.
Enjoy your day everyone. Run and play with your kids. Or without your kids. Take advantage of being able to just 'Do'. When you can't it royally sucks.

Guilt. So much guilt comes with being chronically sick and in pain. This is the summer of #sickmomfail. Last summer I was recovering from surgery. This summer was supposed to be my "all in" summer. Nope. In pain. Stoned on pain meds. Laying on my bed playing word games on my phone. I can't imagine being sick like this prior to the digital age. I would have gone nuts. Daughter #1 loves to just GO... and I'm in park. As in parked on my sore ass. I feel like my chronic lameness makes her sad. I know she gets so disappointed. I hate it. I hate not being me. I feel trapped in a body that is defying me. I'm not eating much. I feel lethargic from meds. But let me back up a minute.
I left off needing to see my surgeon about my biopsy and scope results.  So I went last Wednesday and naturally there couldn't be good news. The basic rundown is as follows: I have Pouchitis in my JPouch. I have inflammation and ulceration of the 1cm that's left of my rectum, called the rectal cuff. So it's Cuffitis. My fistula that was opened is still healing and open and painful. And the cherry on top is that I have dysplasia somewhere up in there. By the time he got to that I was upset and didn't get the specifics of where. For those who don't know, dysplasia is abnormal cell growth. Often it is precancerous in nature so the area needs to be taken care of so it doesn't progress to cancer. For those that haven't been reading my blog, I had advanced cervical dysplasia over about 50% of my cervix in 2011 and had to have the area scraped away to prevent it from manifesting into cancer. So now I'm dealing with it somewhere else. Seriously..I have zero shame and modesty left. This must be how porn stars feel... nothing left to hide. So, now my surgeon wants to confer with some super specialist and double check the labs and maybe re-scope me and take new biopsies. HOW FUN!!! WoooooHoooooo! What a fan-fucking-tastic summer so far.
So, now I'm back on a steroid three times a day. This time Entocort. So far I don't notice much change other than the night sweats and being on edge 24/7. I'm used to being on Prednisone which kicks in fast so I know I'm being impatient. I'm also using a nightly suppository which is just a regular party in my ass. Yeah--- so painful, open wound ass and I need to put that through that. It SUCKS. Big time. It's hard too. Like plastic. So all you "I do anal stuff for sexy fun" people are OUT OF YOUR DAMN MINDS. Holy shit. Never.
I'm also still taking Norco for pain and Flagyl for the pouchitis. So, that's my day. Pill popping. Barely eating because it's just not worth it right now. It is truly a big struggle to pull myself together and be normal. I'm not succeeding. I feel useless. I am sad. I hate disappointing my kids. Lots of movies with Daughter #1. I feel so guilty not being 100%. I would love to run around. Can't swim because of the fistula healing. Can't ride bikes. Hurts to move a whole lot. Hurts to sit. The pain pills that normally knock me out at night are now fighting against the steroid induced night sweats. That's a lot of fun. :-/
My big outings have been a swim meet, fireworks on the 4th and the drive in movie. The last two I was parked in the back of Hub's truck trying to stay comfortable. Not an easy thing to do. So yeah. It's been tough. I need to find out where we go from here. I will have to be scoped again and they will need to surgically remove all the precancer cells and then monitor me. For now just trying to get rid of the pouchitis and treat the cuffitis that is causing me pain and issues. And I'm starving. I love food and this sucks. I had some rice yesterday and some marshmallows. I think that's it. But I had made a tomato cream sauce the night before and ate it and was in MISERY all that night into yesterday so that makes me pull back on eating. I knew acidic tomato would be bad, but I just wanted to EAT! It's really hard to cook and NOT eat what you made. It was yummy but it made me want to die for 6-12 hours later. NOT WORTH IT! But I'll do it again. It's hard just not eating what you like. Or cooking one thing and knowing you are eating something lame. It erases any motivation to make something. So at 4pm when I have no dinner plan, it sucks. I know all IBDers struggle with this. We just want something real and want what we want. If we feel ok we push the envelope and we suffer. I'm no exception. My diet is crap. Many fruits are bad. Most vegetables. I could live on potato chips and junk and be fine. One helping of something healthy and I'm in misery. I never thought I'd miss salad so much. And broccoli. It's ridiculous.
Enjoy your day everyone. Run and play with your kids. Or without your kids. Take advantage of being able to just 'Do'. When you can't it royally sucks.

Unexpected recovery.

Well, in my last post I talked about getting scoped to check for fistulas, fissures etc... Tuesday morning came and I was STARVING after being on fluids all day Monday.

Ready to go. A simple scope, right?

 I couldn't wait to eat after my scope. It's always one of my favorite meals because you realize how great food is after spending two days on chicken broth.

My view of the lights in the OR. Just hanging out, waiting. 

Well, imagine my surprise(horror) when I woke up from anesthesia in absolute, excruciating pain and in tears. Waking up crying isn't exactly normal. I was there alone b/c I've had so many scopes that it is nothing to me, so I had told Hubs to leave and just head back when they call that I'm in recovery. I was my surgeon's last procedure before he left to have his office hours and was still out when he checked in before he left. So in my fog, I heard the nurse say something about surgery, she handed me a Lortab and then said she was calling my surgeon. I was just laying there crying... Not to be completely ridiculous but it felt like someone drove a car up my ass. After 20 minutes the Lortab had done nothing. At that point I was wishing for post delivery pain from having my kids. Lovely. So I vaguely hear her on the phone. She returned like an angel with a push of Demerol for my IV, so within 5 seconds I was a happy and completely stoned girl. Hubs shows up and talks to my surgeon. He discovered a few issues while doing the scope. Ulcers and inflammation in the 1cm of what's left of my rectum and anal fistulas. Now, if you were a good student and googled 'fistulas' like I said, you would have found out that they are essentially an infection that burrows and fills with pus below the surface. As you can imagine, pockets of that can cause the extreme pain I had been dealing with for MONTHS.  Sexy, I know... settle down!! I am one lucky bitch!!
 So the only way to treat these disgusting things is to open them up and clean them out and let them drain. Antibiotics don't work. So, yeah. I woke up to that having been done to my ass. And he took a bunch of biopsies as well because of the inflammation. I'm actually kinda thankful he just did it while he had me there. The procedure cost $1200 so having had to go back and pay that again would have pissed me off. As it is I feel like someone should have paid ME for having to go through that shit. Just disgusting. I mean, prior to me getting sick I never even knew this kind of crap existed for people. I suppose that's why I talk about it.
Needless to say, my Norcos have been my best friend since Wednesday. Tuesday I was out for the count for the rest of the day which I'm used to. Anesthesia has always done that which I don't mind.
It has been pretty painful this week. Walking around is nearly impossible. Squatting, sitting... I can't lift for another week while this crap heals. I'm afraid to eat because you can imagine how fun going to the bathroom is with all that nonsense going on... so it's been pretty cool. Not at all.
So yeah, the last few weeks have really sucked. Last night I got the coolest message from a friend I haven't seen in years... He said my blog was like me- "honest and awesome". I have to say, that made my night. It's funny how you may think someone may not even consider you at all...and then have them say something so great like that. I don't know. It was just pretty cool. So, to my friend, thank you for that. =)

Trying to make recovery look easy.

I'm hoping the next few days has the pain tapering off. I see my Surgeon on the 3rd so I will get all my biopsy results back. He's assuming it will be Proctitis and not Crohn's like we feared. I'm just preparing for the worst anyway. It tends to make the reality easier. Regardless, this means I will be going on meds  of some type. Possibly a steroid. None of that is making me happy because the whole reason I went with getting gutted was to avoid pumping myself full of meds forever. <sigh> Such complete bullshit. Like really, that 1cm has to give me trouble after getting over 5 feet of guts removed. Ridiculous. Sneaky disease. I'm still going to shut you down. It might take me another 5 years. Whatever. But I'm going to win. I always win. ;-)
Thanks for reading... go out and run around and eat a bunch of food, and drink some beer for me, ok? Sweet! I appreciate it.

Well, in my last post I talked about getting scoped to check for fistulas, fissures etc... Tuesday morning came and I was STARVING after being on fluids all day Monday.

Ready to go. A simple scope, right?

 I couldn't wait to eat after my scope. It's always one of my favorite meals because you realize how great food is after spending two days on chicken broth.

My view of the lights in the OR. Just hanging out, waiting. 

Well, imagine my surprise(horror) when I woke up from anesthesia in absolute, excruciating pain and in tears. Waking up crying isn't exactly normal. I was there alone b/c I've had so many scopes that it is nothing to me, so I had told Hubs to leave and just head back when they call that I'm in recovery. I was my surgeon's last procedure before he left to have his office hours and was still out when he checked in before he left. So in my fog, I heard the nurse say something about surgery, she handed me a Lortab and then said she was calling my surgeon. I was just laying there crying... Not to be completely ridiculous but it felt like someone drove a car up my ass. After 20 minutes the Lortab had done nothing. At that point I was wishing for post delivery pain from having my kids. Lovely. So I vaguely hear her on the phone. She returned like an angel with a push of Demerol for my IV, so within 5 seconds I was a happy and completely stoned girl. Hubs shows up and talks to my surgeon. He discovered a few issues while doing the scope. Ulcers and inflammation in the 1cm of what's left of my rectum and anal fistulas. Now, if you were a good student and googled 'fistulas' like I said, you would have found out that they are essentially an infection that burrows and fills with pus below the surface. As you can imagine, pockets of that can cause the extreme pain I had been dealing with for MONTHS.  Sexy, I know... settle down!! I am one lucky bitch!!
 So the only way to treat these disgusting things is to open them up and clean them out and let them drain. Antibiotics don't work. So, yeah. I woke up to that having been done to my ass. And he took a bunch of biopsies as well because of the inflammation. I'm actually kinda thankful he just did it while he had me there. The procedure cost $1200 so having had to go back and pay that again would have pissed me off. As it is I feel like someone should have paid ME for having to go through that shit. Just disgusting. I mean, prior to me getting sick I never even knew this kind of crap existed for people. I suppose that's why I talk about it.
Needless to say, my Norcos have been my best friend since Wednesday. Tuesday I was out for the count for the rest of the day which I'm used to. Anesthesia has always done that which I don't mind.
It has been pretty painful this week. Walking around is nearly impossible. Squatting, sitting... I can't lift for another week while this crap heals. I'm afraid to eat because you can imagine how fun going to the bathroom is with all that nonsense going on... so it's been pretty cool. Not at all.
So yeah, the last few weeks have really sucked. Last night I got the coolest message from a friend I haven't seen in years... He said my blog was like me- "honest and awesome". I have to say, that made my night. It's funny how you may think someone may not even consider you at all...and then have them say something so great like that. I don't know. It was just pretty cool. So, to my friend, thank you for that. =)

Trying to make recovery look easy.

I'm hoping the next few days has the pain tapering off. I see my Surgeon on the 3rd so I will get all my biopsy results back. He's assuming it will be Proctitis and not Crohn's like we feared. I'm just preparing for the worst anyway. It tends to make the reality easier. Regardless, this means I will be going on meds  of some type. Possibly a steroid. None of that is making me happy because the whole reason I went with getting gutted was to avoid pumping myself full of meds forever. <sigh> Such complete bullshit. Like really, that 1cm has to give me trouble after getting over 5 feet of guts removed. Ridiculous. Sneaky disease. I'm still going to shut you down. It might take me another 5 years. Whatever. But I'm going to win. I always win. ;-)
Thanks for reading... go out and run around and eat a bunch of food, and drink some beer for me, ok? Sweet! I appreciate it.

Invisibly sick... a day in my life.

So people always talk about Invisible Illnesses. IBD has that funny way of being one. You don't always look sick. Currently I'm not anemic so I'm not pale. I'm thin but not malnourished and sickly thin. I'm not weak and run down so I have what looks like normal energy levels. I'm no longer on steroids that puff my face up. I'm not on immunosuppressants that make my hair fall out. On the surface I look fine. If you didn't know, you wouldn't know. So I'm sure there are plenty of people rolling their eyes if I say I have pain or who are doubtful about why I haven't worked in years or why when I finally was feeling better and got a job, I got taken out for two weeks. I suppose it's all very easy to doubt and to not believe. Those who have had chronic pain understand. Those with IBD understand. You have weeks, months of feeling "normal" for the first time and think you have finally crossed that bridge. Then you realize you haven't even gotten there yet. I've written about the IBD stuff often enough that people get how it affects lives. Now, post surgery, a year out from colectomy I am frustrated. I am in pain. It hurts to stand, to walk, to move around. It hurts to wear anything but granny panties and sweats. It hurts to pee. I've been eating less so I won't go to the bathroom. I'm taking pain meds and muscle relaxers and topical creams to lessen my misery. No one can see any of that. No one looks at me and has any idea how much pain and discomfort I'm in while I'm carrying on the most random conversation about nothing. Google 'anal fissures'. Google 'anal fistulas'. It's horrible. Click on 'images' and it gets even better. It is graphic. They are things you probably never even considered existed. Hemorrhoids, yes maybe, but the issues that can crop up down there with IBD just aren't talked about. The whole fissure situation was bad enough...seriously. But with fistulas it's an entirely different scenario. That means surgery. More pain. I'm not here to gross you out but if you went and googled like I said to, you can only imagine. Of course many of those images are VERY extreme. But my point is, sickness can be invisible. Pain is invisible and easily hidden by those who are accustomed to having it daily. So before you pass judgement on people who 'don't look sick', you should also consider what you can't see. Issues that you'll never even consider being a possibility in life that someone right in front of you has going on. I don't know. I feel like it's been a very weird few years of my brain and body battling it out and my body winning a lot. It has been hard being in my early 30s and having to say I just don't work. I'm sure to many that sounds like a dream or is their reality, but when it's not a choice, it's different. I'm not just choosing to stay home with my kids. I'm not just choosing to be dependent on Hubs. I'm not lazy or feel like a man has to take care of me. It has not been a realistic possibility for me to work since 2010. And honestly I probably should have stopped prior to that because work was affecting my health immensely but I didn't.  I don't know where I wanted to go with this post other than to say, sometimes it just really sucks to not be in control. To be limited in your capacities and abilities and independence really sucks. It's the Anti-Lisa. And I'm tired of it. Life really does have a way of laughing at your plan. No matter how much a perfect plan or life you have plotted out, in the end you don't have very much control over it like you think. You get dealt one bad health situation and it affects you for years. You just never know what's around the corner and that goes for positive things as well. I just try to play the hand I'm dealt. I try to make the best decisions for right now, for today, because that's the only thing I'm sure of. Tomorrow may prove me wrong... I guess I'll wait and see.

So people always talk about Invisible Illnesses. IBD has that funny way of being one. You don't always look sick. Currently I'm not anemic so I'm not pale. I'm thin but not malnourished and sickly thin. I'm not weak and run down so I have what looks like normal energy levels. I'm no longer on steroids that puff my face up. I'm not on immunosuppressants that make my hair fall out. On the surface I look fine. If you didn't know, you wouldn't know. So I'm sure there are plenty of people rolling their eyes if I say I have pain or who are doubtful about why I haven't worked in years or why when I finally was feeling better and got a job, I got taken out for two weeks. I suppose it's all very easy to doubt and to not believe. Those who have had chronic pain understand. Those with IBD understand. You have weeks, months of feeling "normal" for the first time and think you have finally crossed that bridge. Then you realize you haven't even gotten there yet. I've written about the IBD stuff often enough that people get how it affects lives. Now, post surgery, a year out from colectomy I am frustrated. I am in pain. It hurts to stand, to walk, to move around. It hurts to wear anything but granny panties and sweats. It hurts to pee. I've been eating less so I won't go to the bathroom. I'm taking pain meds and muscle relaxers and topical creams to lessen my misery. No one can see any of that. No one looks at me and has any idea how much pain and discomfort I'm in while I'm carrying on the most random conversation about nothing. Google 'anal fissures'. Google 'anal fistulas'. It's horrible. Click on 'images' and it gets even better. It is graphic. They are things you probably never even considered existed. Hemorrhoids, yes maybe, but the issues that can crop up down there with IBD just aren't talked about. The whole fissure situation was bad enough...seriously. But with fistulas it's an entirely different scenario. That means surgery. More pain. I'm not here to gross you out but if you went and googled like I said to, you can only imagine. Of course many of those images are VERY extreme. But my point is, sickness can be invisible. Pain is invisible and easily hidden by those who are accustomed to having it daily. So before you pass judgement on people who 'don't look sick', you should also consider what you can't see. Issues that you'll never even consider being a possibility in life that someone right in front of you has going on. I don't know. I feel like it's been a very weird few years of my brain and body battling it out and my body winning a lot. It has been hard being in my early 30s and having to say I just don't work. I'm sure to many that sounds like a dream or is their reality, but when it's not a choice, it's different. I'm not just choosing to stay home with my kids. I'm not just choosing to be dependent on Hubs. I'm not lazy or feel like a man has to take care of me. It has not been a realistic possibility for me to work since 2010. And honestly I probably should have stopped prior to that because work was affecting my health immensely but I didn't.  I don't know where I wanted to go with this post other than to say, sometimes it just really sucks to not be in control. To be limited in your capacities and abilities and independence really sucks. It's the Anti-Lisa. And I'm tired of it. Life really does have a way of laughing at your plan. No matter how much a perfect plan or life you have plotted out, in the end you don't have very much control over it like you think. You get dealt one bad health situation and it affects you for years. You just never know what's around the corner and that goes for positive things as well. I just try to play the hand I'm dealt. I try to make the best decisions for right now, for today, because that's the only thing I'm sure of. Tomorrow may prove me wrong... I guess I'll wait and see.

The mask I wear...

Well, I've been meaning to bang this bitch fest out for a few days so here goes...
I HATE IBD. I HATE what it has done to my body and my life. I HATE being THAT girl who can't hold up her end of the deal because I have no idea when my body wil decide to betray me. I HATE being forever changed. Even though being sick has taught me a lot about myself and has revealed a strength and resolve I never knew I had, I kinda liked me the way I was. I don't think I needed to learn that I could endure this much pain. If I never had it, I think I would still be kick ass and living my life my way like Hurricane Lisa does. Instead, I got sidetracked and held back along with the lesson. The last 10 days have been unbearable for me. Besides the wonderful rectal spasms that are in a pain category all their own, I developed yet another horrible rash. IBDers call it butt burn but this is butt burn times 100. It is full on adult diaper rash. No wonder babies scream bloody murder with rashes. Holy shit, it hurts. My skin is so raw it's weeping. I have cut back my food and my fluids because going to the bathroom is pure torture. Even peeing. Your pee is acidic. That on raw skin can make you cry. And it has. I go through all of this with a smile on my face. With my makeup done, and my hair blow dried and a cute outfit on. I crack jokes as my facade. I'm due a mother effing Oscar is what it is.
Someone in one of my IBD groups on Facebook had commented this weekend that a picture I posted showed me looking happy and healthy. It's all bullshit. Smoke and mirrors. Urban Decay concealer and some great highlighter. Here's me faking everything being swell while I'm in pain just sitting down.

Concealer, bronzer, highlighter and Norco= fake health. 

My dad was in town for Father's Day. I wasn't about to let my pain control his trip. We went to dinner. I smiled and took pictures on Father's Day while on the inside I was cringing and in pain. My head a fog of pain killers and muscle relaxers just to allow me to function at a basic level. Moving sends pain searing through my body. I reapply my lipgloss and smile and make a joke. It's such a game. It's such bullshit. I want my life back. I don't want to leave work early because I'm in pain. I freaking HATE it. And I'm skinny. I'm at the lowest end of a healthy weight for 5'3". A few days of pain and I drop 5-8 pounds because as it is I absorb nothing. But I look great. I'm so skinny. I'm so lucky. Oh yeah--- Soooooo lucky. :|  I can buy clothes in the girls department and I lost my tits. Yeah- I lucked the hell right out with the big ole IBD lottery. Ugh--- I'd trade all this crap for 40 pounds and a properly functioning body.
So my surgeon was out of town last week and I finally got in to see him today at 5.

Just a normal day. Waiting for more pain at the surgeon's. 

 I need to get my pouch scoped because he doesn't feel the CT AND the MRI were comprehensive enough to figure out what's going on. I'm in too much pain. Spasms won't stop. My pouch surgery was textbook and now to have all this post OP shit is ridiculous. My surgeon says to me tonight that all my issues are issues that are present with Crohn's. CROHN'S. No. I refuse to accept that until there is something to substantiate it. I was tested and retested and biopsied within an inch of my life and NOTHING ever pointed to Crohn's. My surgeon had my small intestines IN HIS HANDS on purpose last May to triple check. I got gutted and cut wide open instead of doing it laproscopically so that he could better check my small bowel before gutting me.
I just don't know. So I get to go have my pouch checked out at Baylor with my surgeon, his partner and some other superman colo-rectal guy so they can all use me as a science experiment and try to problem solve. Luckily, I don't have any modesty left whatsoever so 3 grown men scoping my ass is just another day for me.
It is days like today where I feel this tiny pull telling me to go back to my ileostomy. Yes...seriously. Where many feel ostomies are a death sentence, I would actually consider going back.
I'm emotionally exhausted. I'm physically shutting down some days. I don't sleep from pain. I feel like I've been fighting an internal war for 4 years. How do I hang on? How do I get up everyday and bother faking it and keep going. Wouldn't it be easier to stay in bed, screw wearing makeup and putting an outfit together. Wouldn't that be more reflective of "sick"?? Sure. But I know that's not me. IBD may be destroying my body but I try so hard to stop it from destroying who I am. I give up a lot as it is. I don't feel independent anymore. Well, I'm not. I went back to work to try to regain some of it and it is a daily battle every time I have to go in. That's not me. I keep trying to force myself back into a Lisa that isn't really there anymore. And I'm stubborn and just keep trying.  I rely on Mat so much. He went out on a whim yesterday and got a new truck. I want to do that. I'm so afraid I'm stuck in this dependent state forever because these issues won't end. I hate putting that on him too. It's not fair to him. I could go around and around. It won't change anything right now. I just need to face the reality head on and make the most of it. In the meantime, my Disability hearing is finally in August. Yeah, over a year after it was requested because I got denied 3 times because I should have had no problem working fulltime while I was hemorrhaging blood daily about 30 times a day. Yeah- sounds completely doable to be holding a job with that going on.
Ok, I'm ending on this because the pain meds are kicked in. My surgeon took me off work for two weeks while I get tested, scoped and so my skin can heal. He wants me basically doing nothing to try to keep the spasms at bay and help my skin heal. <Sigh>  Defective. I feel like a defective burden. I don't know how much more I can take.
Good night all....

Well, I've been meaning to bang this bitch fest out for a few days so here goes...
I HATE IBD. I HATE what it has done to my body and my life. I HATE being THAT girl who can't hold up her end of the deal because I have no idea when my body wil decide to betray me. I HATE being forever changed. Even though being sick has taught me a lot about myself and has revealed a strength and resolve I never knew I had, I kinda liked me the way I was. I don't think I needed to learn that I could endure this much pain. If I never had it, I think I would still be kick ass and living my life my way like Hurricane Lisa does. Instead, I got sidetracked and held back along with the lesson. The last 10 days have been unbearable for me. Besides the wonderful rectal spasms that are in a pain category all their own, I developed yet another horrible rash. IBDers call it butt burn but this is butt burn times 100. It is full on adult diaper rash. No wonder babies scream bloody murder with rashes. Holy shit, it hurts. My skin is so raw it's weeping. I have cut back my food and my fluids because going to the bathroom is pure torture. Even peeing. Your pee is acidic. That on raw skin can make you cry. And it has. I go through all of this with a smile on my face. With my makeup done, and my hair blow dried and a cute outfit on. I crack jokes as my facade. I'm due a mother effing Oscar is what it is.
Someone in one of my IBD groups on Facebook had commented this weekend that a picture I posted showed me looking happy and healthy. It's all bullshit. Smoke and mirrors. Urban Decay concealer and some great highlighter. Here's me faking everything being swell while I'm in pain just sitting down.

Concealer, bronzer, highlighter and Norco= fake health. 

My dad was in town for Father's Day. I wasn't about to let my pain control his trip. We went to dinner. I smiled and took pictures on Father's Day while on the inside I was cringing and in pain. My head a fog of pain killers and muscle relaxers just to allow me to function at a basic level. Moving sends pain searing through my body. I reapply my lipgloss and smile and make a joke. It's such a game. It's such bullshit. I want my life back. I don't want to leave work early because I'm in pain. I freaking HATE it. And I'm skinny. I'm at the lowest end of a healthy weight for 5'3". A few days of pain and I drop 5-8 pounds because as it is I absorb nothing. But I look great. I'm so skinny. I'm so lucky. Oh yeah--- Soooooo lucky. :|  I can buy clothes in the girls department and I lost my tits. Yeah- I lucked the hell right out with the big ole IBD lottery. Ugh--- I'd trade all this crap for 40 pounds and a properly functioning body.
So my surgeon was out of town last week and I finally got in to see him today at 5.

Just a normal day. Waiting for more pain at the surgeon's. 

 I need to get my pouch scoped because he doesn't feel the CT AND the MRI were comprehensive enough to figure out what's going on. I'm in too much pain. Spasms won't stop. My pouch surgery was textbook and now to have all this post OP shit is ridiculous. My surgeon says to me tonight that all my issues are issues that are present with Crohn's. CROHN'S. No. I refuse to accept that until there is something to substantiate it. I was tested and retested and biopsied within an inch of my life and NOTHING ever pointed to Crohn's. My surgeon had my small intestines IN HIS HANDS on purpose last May to triple check. I got gutted and cut wide open instead of doing it laproscopically so that he could better check my small bowel before gutting me.
I just don't know. So I get to go have my pouch checked out at Baylor with my surgeon, his partner and some other superman colo-rectal guy so they can all use me as a science experiment and try to problem solve. Luckily, I don't have any modesty left whatsoever so 3 grown men scoping my ass is just another day for me.
It is days like today where I feel this tiny pull telling me to go back to my ileostomy. Yes...seriously. Where many feel ostomies are a death sentence, I would actually consider going back.
I'm emotionally exhausted. I'm physically shutting down some days. I don't sleep from pain. I feel like I've been fighting an internal war for 4 years. How do I hang on? How do I get up everyday and bother faking it and keep going. Wouldn't it be easier to stay in bed, screw wearing makeup and putting an outfit together. Wouldn't that be more reflective of "sick"?? Sure. But I know that's not me. IBD may be destroying my body but I try so hard to stop it from destroying who I am. I give up a lot as it is. I don't feel independent anymore. Well, I'm not. I went back to work to try to regain some of it and it is a daily battle every time I have to go in. That's not me. I keep trying to force myself back into a Lisa that isn't really there anymore. And I'm stubborn and just keep trying.  I rely on Mat so much. He went out on a whim yesterday and got a new truck. I want to do that. I'm so afraid I'm stuck in this dependent state forever because these issues won't end. I hate putting that on him too. It's not fair to him. I could go around and around. It won't change anything right now. I just need to face the reality head on and make the most of it. In the meantime, my Disability hearing is finally in August. Yeah, over a year after it was requested because I got denied 3 times because I should have had no problem working fulltime while I was hemorrhaging blood daily about 30 times a day. Yeah- sounds completely doable to be holding a job with that going on.
Ok, I'm ending on this because the pain meds are kicked in. My surgeon took me off work for two weeks while I get tested, scoped and so my skin can heal. He wants me basically doing nothing to try to keep the spasms at bay and help my skin heal. <Sigh>  Defective. I feel like a defective burden. I don't know how much more I can take.
Good night all....

I'm in pain & uncomfortable & bitchy & I'm not sorry.

Hey there--- It's been a bit. I didn't mean to go this long but life has a way of making me feel like I got blasted with a Louisville slugger and then I'm down for the count. That was way too many sports references in one sentence!
So I've been working part time and for the most part it's kicking my ass. I am just so thoroughly exhausted I can barely function on my days off. I feel so guilty because I just want to sit down and not get up. It takes everything in me to get ready... When I work I don't eat much that day so I've lost some weight that I can't afford to lose. So work days I eat maybe one time. I don't drink enough on those days either so I know it's contributing to my dehydration, sluggishness and lightheadedness. It's just not a good combination. It amazes me what that 20-25 hours is doing to me. Not to mention the days I am in so much pain while I'm working. There are nights I don't think I'll make it. Or I need to take care of something while it feels like a hot poker is searing through my insides with my spasms. It's beyond frustrating. Some days I just want to give up and stay in bed because I think, that may be overdoing it at the moment. I don't know. I'm in a horrible catch 22.
Being in chronic pain takes so much out of me. I'm wiped out over the littlest thing. And it's hard to explain it, or make people understand without just sounding like a big lazy wuss. I was supposed to see my surgeon this week  but they rescheduled me once and then I had to reschedule it due to some personal commitments. So still doing the same meds. The antispasmotic drug puts me in a coma so I guess it works???? I don't know because I'm in a coma. So that's out for daytime. 5mg of Flexeril doesn't do much and if I up it to 10mg I'll be stoned out of my mind. Same with the Valium. So not sure what to do next. Some days I can't even think about dealing with this forever. I hate thinking that way because I keep telling myself, "Well, you aren't bleeding to death anymore", but that doesn't take the current pain away. And my canker sores are back. I have 5. That used to be my warning signs for a flare. When I get them now I freak internally. So it's Stress? IBD? I don't know but they Hurt! I don't consider myself to NOT have an IBD anymore although technically my UC was gone when my colon hit the biohazard bin. I still feel as though I am an IBD patient. I always will be. The actual diseased part of my body is gone, but the aftershock of that surgery continues to affect my daily life. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to deal with it some days. I am just so worn out. I had two late nights at work and on my day off today have no energy to enjoy it. What kind of shit is that??? Complete shit, that's what. I don't enjoy cooking anymore because I feel like anything I eat will kill me later, and the effort it takes is more than the energy I have. I am mentally exhausted from the stress my physical limitations cause me. Every night when I go to bed I dread the morning because it comes too soon. My sleep is broken nightly. On the odd night I sleep through the night, it's a drug induced sleep and I still feel like shit the following day.
 I know... I bitch and moan and complain...blah blah. I'm running on empty. Faking being okay takes a lot of work and today I don't feel like pretending. I want to be a crabby bitch who is in pain and discomfort CONSTANTLY and I don't want to apologize for it. I'm sorry that this is inconvenient for some but- oh well. Too bad, so sad.  I won the big IBD lottery which has been a big ole F you for me, so anyone else's inconvenience is the least of my problems. Ugh-- I HATE being this person. Today isn't an anomaly. I just took my mask off. Figuratively and literally. I'm not even putting makeup on today.  Today I want to be a miserable, chronically sick asshole and not be apologetic for it. And that's all I've got. Sorry this was a pisser. Tomorrow may bring me something to feel happier about. Enjoy your health. Don't take it for granted. Take advantage of just being able to do whatever you want. Don't put that run off until tomorrow. Or the day trip or the hike..... One day you may not be able to accomplish it because of something you have no control over and you will wonder why you put it off. Thanks for reading. Enjoy your weekend, everyone. XO

Hey there--- It's been a bit. I didn't mean to go this long but life has a way of making me feel like I got blasted with a Louisville slugger and then I'm down for the count. That was way too many sports references in one sentence!
So I've been working part time and for the most part it's kicking my ass. I am just so thoroughly exhausted I can barely function on my days off. I feel so guilty because I just want to sit down and not get up. It takes everything in me to get ready... When I work I don't eat much that day so I've lost some weight that I can't afford to lose. So work days I eat maybe one time. I don't drink enough on those days either so I know it's contributing to my dehydration, sluggishness and lightheadedness. It's just not a good combination. It amazes me what that 20-25 hours is doing to me. Not to mention the days I am in so much pain while I'm working. There are nights I don't think I'll make it. Or I need to take care of something while it feels like a hot poker is searing through my insides with my spasms. It's beyond frustrating. Some days I just want to give up and stay in bed because I think, that may be overdoing it at the moment. I don't know. I'm in a horrible catch 22.
Being in chronic pain takes so much out of me. I'm wiped out over the littlest thing. And it's hard to explain it, or make people understand without just sounding like a big lazy wuss. I was supposed to see my surgeon this week  but they rescheduled me once and then I had to reschedule it due to some personal commitments. So still doing the same meds. The antispasmotic drug puts me in a coma so I guess it works???? I don't know because I'm in a coma. So that's out for daytime. 5mg of Flexeril doesn't do much and if I up it to 10mg I'll be stoned out of my mind. Same with the Valium. So not sure what to do next. Some days I can't even think about dealing with this forever. I hate thinking that way because I keep telling myself, "Well, you aren't bleeding to death anymore", but that doesn't take the current pain away. And my canker sores are back. I have 5. That used to be my warning signs for a flare. When I get them now I freak internally. So it's Stress? IBD? I don't know but they Hurt! I don't consider myself to NOT have an IBD anymore although technically my UC was gone when my colon hit the biohazard bin. I still feel as though I am an IBD patient. I always will be. The actual diseased part of my body is gone, but the aftershock of that surgery continues to affect my daily life. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to deal with it some days. I am just so worn out. I had two late nights at work and on my day off today have no energy to enjoy it. What kind of shit is that??? Complete shit, that's what. I don't enjoy cooking anymore because I feel like anything I eat will kill me later, and the effort it takes is more than the energy I have. I am mentally exhausted from the stress my physical limitations cause me. Every night when I go to bed I dread the morning because it comes too soon. My sleep is broken nightly. On the odd night I sleep through the night, it's a drug induced sleep and I still feel like shit the following day.
 I know... I bitch and moan and complain...blah blah. I'm running on empty. Faking being okay takes a lot of work and today I don't feel like pretending. I want to be a crabby bitch who is in pain and discomfort CONSTANTLY and I don't want to apologize for it. I'm sorry that this is inconvenient for some but- oh well. Too bad, so sad.  I won the big IBD lottery which has been a big ole F you for me, so anyone else's inconvenience is the least of my problems. Ugh-- I HATE being this person. Today isn't an anomaly. I just took my mask off. Figuratively and literally. I'm not even putting makeup on today.  Today I want to be a miserable, chronically sick asshole and not be apologetic for it. And that's all I've got. Sorry this was a pisser. Tomorrow may bring me something to feel happier about. Enjoy your health. Don't take it for granted. Take advantage of just being able to do whatever you want. Don't put that run off until tomorrow. Or the day trip or the hike..... One day you may not be able to accomplish it because of something you have no control over and you will wonder why you put it off. Thanks for reading. Enjoy your weekend, everyone. XO

happy colonlessiversary...or something.

One year. About the same exact time I sit here typing I was waking up from anesthesia. It seems nearly dreamlike, but I can say it was the most intense pain I have ever experienced. There are no words to explain it. Naturally they wake you up, you feel pain and then they get you going with the good meds. But in the time they moved me from a gurney to my bed, I thought I was dying. Hubs said I made animal sounds. Just primal, hurting sounds. I remember them telling me to roll and shift so they could move me. I remember just crying and saying I couldn't. I had just been cut open from above my belly button to my pelvic bone. My guts were separated from the surrounding organs and tissue. He pulled out my small intestines and looked them over for signs of Crohn's. He then put all of that back in and proceeded to remove all five feet of my large intestines and almost all of my rectum. Just enough was left to attach my J Pouch later. The loose end of my small bowel was formed into a reservoir shaped like a "J" and that was attached to what was left of my rectum. A portion of my small intestines much closer to the stomach was then disconnected from the rest and rerouted out through my abdomen at a stoma site so nothing would pass to the J Pouch while it healed. I was then stapled shut. All that shit hurts. The incision hurt. The stoma site hurt. The internal pain hurt. I felt like I got run over. Getting gutted is no joke. I just looked through my post op pics. I remember thinking my scar was so intense. In one year I almost forget it's there. But I don't hide it.

From being stapled shut after surgery---->

40 staples

Early scar, about 2 weeks post op after staples came out --->

FrankenBelly

Two days ago on World IBD Day.

I remember wondering if it was going to look like train tracks forever.
One year ago was the end of one long battle that changed me, crushed a lot of my spirit, messed with my self esteem, altered my body image, made me fear food, and made me doubt what I can do. It has been a very different type of battle this year, especially my time with an ostomy. There were nights I struggled and cried and said I couldn't do it. Hubs would say, "Well, it's too late. You have to. They can't put your colon back in now". My post surgical pain only ever came close to my UC flare pain the first few days post op. By the time I was home my flare pain put my recovery to shame.'
I still struggle. I will never be normal. Some days are worse than others. Some days are so great I forget I'm missing a major organ. Other days I swear I don't know how I can live this way. In terms of having colitis, no I technically don't have it anymore since Ulcerative colitis is only in the colon. But I struggle. My life is impacted everyday by this change in my anatomy. There are some foods I'll never eat again. There are other foods I just can't say no to and I pay for it for almost two days. I may have issues forever. They will never compare to a flare but regardless, they are there. My scar tissue pain has finally started subsiding. My fear that I have Crohn's and not UC is slowly fading as time goes on. I still have symptoms I am dealing with daily that keep me on alert. I can dehydrate very quickly and some days I get lightheaded fast because of it. I spent my first day out in the heat the other day and it didn't go so well. It hit me fast. Summers will be a continuous effort to stay hydrated and keep myself from blacking out. My absorption probably isn't the best and when my levels drop I feel it pretty quickly. I don't want to say I may have limitations forever. I hope not. I hate that thought and I hate when my body holds me back and betrays me. I don't want to be afraid to go for a bike ride. Or wonder if my spasms will shackle me for the day, or keep me up all night. I can only take it and it comes and play the hand I'm dealt. Being back at work part time has already been impacted by it. I hate that. I don't like feeling like maybe I can't hold up my end because my stupid body has other plans. It's hard. It hurts. It frustrates me and creates a lot of self doubt. Hoping that will lessen as time goes by.
 Anyway- Happy one year to me being colonless and getting to tell my story. Thanks everyone for being supportive and reading and sharing. Love to all.
XO from one gutsy broad. =-)

One year. About the same exact time I sit here typing I was waking up from anesthesia. It seems nearly dreamlike, but I can say it was the most intense pain I have ever experienced. There are no words to explain it. Naturally they wake you up, you feel pain and then they get you going with the good meds. But in the time they moved me from a gurney to my bed, I thought I was dying. Hubs said I made animal sounds. Just primal, hurting sounds. I remember them telling me to roll and shift so they could move me. I remember just crying and saying I couldn't. I had just been cut open from above my belly button to my pelvic bone. My guts were separated from the surrounding organs and tissue. He pulled out my small intestines and looked them over for signs of Crohn's. He then put all of that back in and proceeded to remove all five feet of my large intestines and almost all of my rectum. Just enough was left to attach my J Pouch later. The loose end of my small bowel was formed into a reservoir shaped like a "J" and that was attached to what was left of my rectum. A portion of my small intestines much closer to the stomach was then disconnected from the rest and rerouted out through my abdomen at a stoma site so nothing would pass to the J Pouch while it healed. I was then stapled shut. All that shit hurts. The incision hurt. The stoma site hurt. The internal pain hurt. I felt like I got run over. Getting gutted is no joke. I just looked through my post op pics. I remember thinking my scar was so intense. In one year I almost forget it's there. But I don't hide it.

From being stapled shut after surgery---->

40 staples

Early scar, about 2 weeks post op after staples came out --->

FrankenBelly

Two days ago on World IBD Day.

I remember wondering if it was going to look like train tracks forever.
One year ago was the end of one long battle that changed me, crushed a lot of my spirit, messed with my self esteem, altered my body image, made me fear food, and made me doubt what I can do. It has been a very different type of battle this year, especially my time with an ostomy. There were nights I struggled and cried and said I couldn't do it. Hubs would say, "Well, it's too late. You have to. They can't put your colon back in now". My post surgical pain only ever came close to my UC flare pain the first few days post op. By the time I was home my flare pain put my recovery to shame.'
I still struggle. I will never be normal. Some days are worse than others. Some days are so great I forget I'm missing a major organ. Other days I swear I don't know how I can live this way. In terms of having colitis, no I technically don't have it anymore since Ulcerative colitis is only in the colon. But I struggle. My life is impacted everyday by this change in my anatomy. There are some foods I'll never eat again. There are other foods I just can't say no to and I pay for it for almost two days. I may have issues forever. They will never compare to a flare but regardless, they are there. My scar tissue pain has finally started subsiding. My fear that I have Crohn's and not UC is slowly fading as time goes on. I still have symptoms I am dealing with daily that keep me on alert. I can dehydrate very quickly and some days I get lightheaded fast because of it. I spent my first day out in the heat the other day and it didn't go so well. It hit me fast. Summers will be a continuous effort to stay hydrated and keep myself from blacking out. My absorption probably isn't the best and when my levels drop I feel it pretty quickly. I don't want to say I may have limitations forever. I hope not. I hate that thought and I hate when my body holds me back and betrays me. I don't want to be afraid to go for a bike ride. Or wonder if my spasms will shackle me for the day, or keep me up all night. I can only take it and it comes and play the hand I'm dealt. Being back at work part time has already been impacted by it. I hate that. I don't like feeling like maybe I can't hold up my end because my stupid body has other plans. It's hard. It hurts. It frustrates me and creates a lot of self doubt. Hoping that will lessen as time goes by.
 Anyway- Happy one year to me being colonless and getting to tell my story. Thanks everyone for being supportive and reading and sharing. Love to all.
XO from one gutsy broad. =-)

WEGO health Writing day #30- I slacked big time. A day late....

Yesterday's prompt--- Today, write a recap of your experience. What was your favorite prompt? Least favorite? What have you learned? Or describe your HAWMC experience in one word!

I tried. I really did. Between starting back to work, school homework, kids etc... I can't believe I managed to do 14 out of 30. I think that's a pretty good average.
Some days I knew what I wanted to write but didn't have the time, or the energy to get it done. Some days I just plain forgot I had it going on.
I like Day 7, 9 and 19.
Here are the links to them.....

http://gutsylisa.blogspot.com/2013/04/day-7-wego-writers-challenge.html?zx=aa8d516472424431

http://gutsylisa.blogspot.com/2013/04/wego-health-writers-challenge-day-9.html

http://gutsylisa.blogspot.com/2013/04/wego-day-19-vintage-lisa-throwback-pic.html

I've been really realizing the last few weeks how much impact my daily symptoms have on my life. I've been struggling with spasms STILL. The Flexeril and Valium barely keep them limited enough so I can function but I have had some days recently that a double dose didn't help. I went back to work and from day #1 my body is retaliating. Pain. Spasms. I can smile and fake it through most of my pain and discomfort now. I've had lots of practice.
Today I feel worn out. Just completely run down. It's a flashback feeling I don't like at all. I could just lay in bed all day. I'm working 5-10pm today so something has to give or it'll be a long rough night.
The frustration of feeling like I'm at the mercy of my stupid body that won't get it's act together is indescribable. I HATE it. The broken sleep is killing me. Being awake from 3-430 in the morning KILLS me. It's nightly. I'm tired(ha!) of it. My brain wants to wake up and go for a run. My body wants to stay in the fetal position in PJs all day long. I'm upset. I'm pissed. I'm annoyed. I'm fed up. I went for an MRI yesterday to see if there is anything the inconclusive $700 CT scan missed. For $700 it should have come to clean my bathrooms too. So now we wait. I should have results by tomorrow. I'm losing blood. Daily. It's not much but ANY puts me in panic mode. I definitely haven't hit anemic mode or anything because I know that feeling all too well. I can function like it ain't no thang at a 7 hemoglobin when normal is around 14. Sick girl. Ugh.
Also the self esteem is at an all time rock bottom low lately. I hate what I see. Oddly, my scars are the last thing I'm dissatisfied with!! it's everything else. I'm just weak. And look like shit. I'm tired. I'm out of shape. I feel like I've aged 10 years in the last 4. Chronic pain and illness will do that I suppose.
Anyway, enough of my sobbing.
Have a good day everyone. My semester is winding down. Having a mental battle about what to do about school. On the fence about continuing. I need a nap. Or a drink. Whatever.

Yesterday's prompt--- Today, write a recap of your experience. What was your favorite prompt? Least favorite? What have you learned? Or describe your HAWMC experience in one word!

I tried. I really did. Between starting back to work, school homework, kids etc... I can't believe I managed to do 14 out of 30. I think that's a pretty good average.
Some days I knew what I wanted to write but didn't have the time, or the energy to get it done. Some days I just plain forgot I had it going on.
I like Day 7, 9 and 19.
Here are the links to them.....

http://gutsylisa.blogspot.com/2013/04/day-7-wego-writers-challenge.html?zx=aa8d516472424431

http://gutsylisa.blogspot.com/2013/04/wego-health-writers-challenge-day-9.html

http://gutsylisa.blogspot.com/2013/04/wego-day-19-vintage-lisa-throwback-pic.html

I've been really realizing the last few weeks how much impact my daily symptoms have on my life. I've been struggling with spasms STILL. The Flexeril and Valium barely keep them limited enough so I can function but I have had some days recently that a double dose didn't help. I went back to work and from day #1 my body is retaliating. Pain. Spasms. I can smile and fake it through most of my pain and discomfort now. I've had lots of practice.
Today I feel worn out. Just completely run down. It's a flashback feeling I don't like at all. I could just lay in bed all day. I'm working 5-10pm today so something has to give or it'll be a long rough night.
The frustration of feeling like I'm at the mercy of my stupid body that won't get it's act together is indescribable. I HATE it. The broken sleep is killing me. Being awake from 3-430 in the morning KILLS me. It's nightly. I'm tired(ha!) of it. My brain wants to wake up and go for a run. My body wants to stay in the fetal position in PJs all day long. I'm upset. I'm pissed. I'm annoyed. I'm fed up. I went for an MRI yesterday to see if there is anything the inconclusive $700 CT scan missed. For $700 it should have come to clean my bathrooms too. So now we wait. I should have results by tomorrow. I'm losing blood. Daily. It's not much but ANY puts me in panic mode. I definitely haven't hit anemic mode or anything because I know that feeling all too well. I can function like it ain't no thang at a 7 hemoglobin when normal is around 14. Sick girl. Ugh.
Also the self esteem is at an all time rock bottom low lately. I hate what I see. Oddly, my scars are the last thing I'm dissatisfied with!! it's everything else. I'm just weak. And look like shit. I'm tired. I'm out of shape. I feel like I've aged 10 years in the last 4. Chronic pain and illness will do that I suppose.
Anyway, enough of my sobbing.
Have a good day everyone. My semester is winding down. Having a mental battle about what to do about school. On the fence about continuing. I need a nap. Or a drink. Whatever.