Tuesday, May 20, 2014

It's like this and like that and like this and ah...

So a few things. This is probably NOT going to be a shiny, happy post. Just warning. I'm a BITCH. First things first, yesterday was World IBD day and I posted and retweeted and what not which is fine bc all the other days of the year I do that too so it's cool. I was on a few sites and groups yesterday getting all bent out of shape. EVERY SINGLE THING was "bring awareness TODAY on World IBD day". "Wear your purple TODAY to bring awareness"... blah blah blah. Seriously. These are the same people who hide their illness, are ashamed of their scars, embarrassed by their ostomies and NEVER talk about their illness outside their locked down Facebook group. Hey, we all have our things. Not all of us are as comfortable with things as others are. I get it. BUT DON"T BLAST THE SHIT OUT OF THE INTERWEBS ONE DAY A YEAR IN THE NAME OF IBD AWARENESS. Because you blasting Twitter is NOT bringing awareness. The average person is not following #WorldIBDday. Bringing awareness to our illness is a DAILY job. You want people to "get" what IBD is about so bad? Do you really? Then open your mouth the OTHER 364 days a year in REAL life. I will guarantee I have enlightened more people this year NOT wearing purple and just by peppering my conversation with my struggle and NEVER hiding what I am, than you do wearing your purple that no one looks twice at. Wearing an ostomy bag to the beach and not hiding it will spark more conversation and offer more chances to inform and educate than posting meme's all damn day long on World IBD day. Don't get me wrong, I love that we have a day. But the point of that day is to be impactful!! Can we TRY to do that the right way going forward? All days? Ugh, sorry. I know I'm a bitch.

Here's my second issue. I am SICK and TIRED of being poked, prodded and tested. I mean just totally fed up. I went to the dentist today for a cleaning bc I've been putting it off. It's hard enough dealing with one thing. Dealing with my oral hygiene has not ranked up there lately. I brush multiple times a day, I floss daily. I'm not a negligent toothy person. But the dentist. Not urgent. Not when I have REAL issues. So I go and it was horrible. First off, my teeth have NEVER been the same since I've been sick. The steroids and the meds have ruined my teeth. Steroids destroy bone. My bone is lower in MANY spots under my gums from a few years ago. I have like 4 cavities and I think prior to getting sick I had 4 my whole life. So I had to schedule to go back for more torture with the cavities. In the meantime, my gums in the back were inflamed caused but me not going in for cleanings. It's just impossible to be as thorough brushing back there on your own apparently. So, I needed my gums LASERED today. Yeah. Freakin' smelled so bad. He was burning my face off. I was laying there just thinking, "This shit never ends with me". They got lasered so they could get at the tartar and bacteria that was beneath the inflamed part. So that was awesome. It didn't hurt because he numbed a lot with novacaine gel and what "hurts" for others isn't shit for me to flinch at anymore. BUT----I'm NEVER skipping a cleaning again. A little PSA- GO GET YOUR TEETH CLEANED!!!

Thirdly, I got set up for a surgery date for my second reversal. I am both excited and terrified. There's something really freaky about knowing what kind of pain you are in for. It is truly easier to be surprised by it. The determination hasn't been made about whether he's opening me up again, or going to be able to do everything local through my ostomy site. At this point I don't even care. What's getting cut open all the way for a third time? I basically have no feeling left around the scar so no chance making it worse. There are always risks no matter what. NOT being cut open doesn't even insure a faster recovery because last time my reversal recovery hurt. AND it was local through my ostomy. So flip a coin, doc. Let's do this. Five weeks from now and we are off. I'm having pain around my stoma site and pain passing output so I can't wait to get reversed. Even if I know how bad it's going to be.

I just have a lot going on in my head. Being chronically ill and always having in the back of your head that you'll need to get cut open again is exhausting. Truly exhausting. It's hard not to let it affect every day and the outlook I have in everything in my life. Recovery is exhausting. Pain kicks your ass. The last reversal turned into a slew of other problems which of course led to more complicated surgeries and another ostomy. Knowing that I'm basically going backwards into that situation again is hard because I can't help but have the little nag in my brain wondering if it's going to end up the same way in a vicious cycle of issues. Hoping not. Thanks for letting me vent.
---->> Get your teeth cleaned and don't take your health for granted. XO

1 comment:

  1. I. Love. You.
    I'll certainly pray for you.
    God bless your indelible soul.
    Cya soon Upstairs...